Losing a child is not an easy journey. It is definitely not a walk in the park, but the longest journey anyone can ever travel, where taking an easy way out seems to be the only solution because arriving to the destination seems impossible. You get inflicted with the biggest wound that you will live the rest of your life trying to nurse, while asking yourself questions that will never have answers. And each time you make it to another day will start to feel like an achievement, because it becomes something you don't look forward to.

Remember, you have not just lost a regular somebody, you have lost your entire heart, because it feels like your heart has been ripped out of its place and your lungs are failing to keep up, and only you see yourself breathing only because of luck. You feel like the universe is resting upon your shoulders and you are too pale to can do anything.

While some days feels easier, the rest of them feels the worst, as if you have been hit by a train, and you are not even willing to fight to stay alive. Other days feel normal, yet the rest are out of rhythm. You are labelled as "weird" at times because some days you will just wonder off and find yourself at the graveyard, because all you desire is to just spend time with your child because of how you feel robbed. Along the way, you lose yourself, you lose a purpose in life, because it feels like there is nothing to live for in a moment, as it all becomes unbearable. To even think about how you are not going to be able to hold him/her ever again, or to remind him/her of your love. And you could only wish if they had lived a little longer.

In the early days of your grief, everytime you close your eyes you see your child sleeping next to you, hugging you, smiling at you, and then suddenly disappearing. You keep calling and calling after them yet with no answer, but further slipping away from you and only to be waken up to "Shh! Shh! you've been dreaming". You open your eyes slowly and tears quickly escape your eyes, realising that indeed it was just a dream, s/he is gone forever and never coming back.

For the first time in my existence, I saw my mother's tears and I felt her pain. I layed in her belly in silence and only you could hear our sniffles after each soft cry as she longed for her son. I saw strong becoming weak, joy becoming a gloom, and peaceful becoming an anger. She could barely eat, barely sleep, and most of the time you could see her physicality but her mind was lost somewhere so far away, definitely caught between a rock and a hard place. She had questions no one had answers for.

Mama picked her shares of scars that will never heal, it's not like she had a choice anyway. What hurt the most was, she had no one, no one to hold her, no one to make promises that she will be okay even though we knew it will never will be, no one to prepare her for the real funeral that start after everyone has left. Not a mother, not a sister, no one, she had to do it all on her own. Putting up a brave face for her two daughters while breaking into million pieces.

Let's continue another time. Xoxo!!!
© HOPE.N❤️