CHAPTER 3

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CONJUGATION OF TRAUMA


• Tuesday June 2 •

My thoughts are as dark as the asshole of the world. I am disgusted to see how exhausted I am. How madly the slightest little annoyance aroused in me. How much I refrain from exploding, how much I internalize. But I feel so good in the middle of the mess, staring at the walls, staring at my face that I no longer recognize. And then first, how do we go about happiness? Me, happy people disgust me. All because I would like to feel so justified in being so bad and disillusioned ...

How to get rid of this layer of bad emotions ? It suddenly seems to me that I am taking pleasure in this nameless shit, because the truth is that I am afraid. I am scared to come out of my irrational navel-gazing. Because it is so hard to be. Giving birth to ourselves is the most difficult task there is. And what? All this does not prevent me from suffering. Happiness requires so much effort. Sadness is free. You subscribed as with your mobile phone plan. It is warm, enveloping. Happiness...