Darkness.
Darkness everywhere.
I am going deep in the darkness.
I cannot hear my voice even though I am screaming.
I cannot feel my heartbeat even though I am breathing.
I want to hold on to something, somewhere in this deep,dark hollow,but there is nothing.
It feels like a pool of asphalt, pitch black,sticky, abrading every inch of my body.
I want to get out of here,I want to breath,but I don't know how can I.
My heart is getting heavy.My eyes are swell now,I don't know what to do,where is the escape,I couldn't find.

Someone once said to me,that it would be great to have more like me in this world.
I deny it.
The world will become a sad place,sadder than it is now,when it has more people with a heart like me.
To be honest,there is not a single day when I have not hated myself.Hated to be like the one I am and trust me,I never envied someone.I never looked at someone and thought that it would be great to be like them.
No! I don't want to be like anyone else,but I don't want to be like myself either.

If I was given the right to carve my path myself,to engrave my own destiny,I would choose to create easier paths for all those who intervene my path.I would sure, create a path of easiness that goes smoothly without any hurdle for myself,but I would choose the same for others.

And here I am,In this room,every night,I can't breathe.
I try my best to hold still and not to fall,but every night my body feels pain and my limbs feel numb,my eyes are swollen and my head hurts.

What did I do to deserve all this ?

What did I do to be in this position,right here, homeless, worthless, peace deprived.

I do not complain.
I do not complain of this situation I have been gifted with.
I do not complain.I am destined to be with it.
But,
I cannot bear.
Its getting painful everyday.
People say I am strong,and eventually I started thinking about it too.But the truth is,I am as weak as the silkworm who can't even hold on to its own thread.

Everyday I wish for peace, everyday my brain screams to death.
You can say its fantasy,its just words,but the truth is only I know because I feel.
No single night went by when I thought that I don't want to see the sun of next day.Yet I got up like everyone else,ready to swing it all again.

I am angry.
I am sad.
I am powerless.
I am ...alive.
and that is not what I want.

The more you stay alive,The more it hurts,the more you think,the more it feels colder and painful.

Here,every night,on my warm bed,I count days when I will be taken away from this place called home,where I was born,where I spent years of my life smiling, crying with the people I love.
And every night,I wished that a day would come when I should not exist to watch that day.

Hopeless ?
I am not.
Disappointed ?
I am not.

I have seen broken people getting into better places.I have seen people who had nothing, getting everything.

I am just saying that its getting painful.
Its painful for me and I am not strong enough to see and hear all this.

I need escape.
I need to go.
but I can't.
Because I am alive.

~Sakura Sakka
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