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road trips of 2022
The year 2022 has been full of adventure. I met a girl in February and she's absolutely lovely. She's not only beautiful and uplifting, but she's encouraging, supportive and damn, she's fun! She likes to go places that are further than the local walmart, ya know? Which is fine. I'm not a huge travel kind of a guy, but i do love a roadtrip. Our first roadtrip together was to a town about 4 hrs away from where we live. A buddy of mine wanted to visit a friend and was in need of a ride, so i agreed to take him. I texted my girl up. "Hey, baby. How you doin? What do you say about a day trip?"
She agreed but said we should go the day before the pick up and do shopping. We could get a hotel and make a little trip out of it.
"Sure, baby. Whatever you want, we'll do." We headed out. Nice ride there fighting over what music to listen to. Litres upon litres of coffee. And after tens of tens of idiots drivers, we made it. We check in. I open the door. Key works...good start. Everything looked in order, no police tape. No blood stains on the carpet or chalk outline of a body. No pentagram drawn in lipstick on the mirror. I open the beside table drawer, bible is nice and straight. Nice Tv.
There was a keurig machine with included k cups! That's worth 75 bucks right there! Okay, okay. This could work.
I head into the bathroom and see there's a complimentary set of toiletries. There was a little bottle of hotel brand toothpaste with enough paste in it to brush one tooth. There was also a tiny little bottle of lotion. What's that for? In case i want to crank one out watching the basic cable you've included with this luxurious hotel package? But, i appreciated the effort, hotel. I look over to the desk and there's no bucket with a plastic bag in it. No bucket that you are provided with to take to the ice machine this hotel did not have. Strike one, hotel. Everybody knows hotel ice is worth the trip alone, and now there is none? That's cold, unlike my drinks will be without my complementary ice!
I mean, for a bill and a half a night, could you at least put mints on the pillows?
Speaking of that. Why do hotels put mints on the pillows? Is it because they only provide enough toothpaste to brush one tooth and want you to have something to combat morning breath? Which, is it just me, or is morning breath the worst when you're at a hotel? Morning breath is atrocious as is, but when you're at a hotel, you can break the bathroom mirror just by smiling. I called the front desk one time at a hotel. "Yeah, how you doin', buddy? It's room 408. I was wondering if you'd seen any cats wandering in here last night?"
"Cats?"
"Yeah. The animal. Four legs. Meow. Meow. You know, cats?"
"No, sir. We have a no animal policy here."
"No cats, huh?"
"No, sir. Why do you ask?"
"Well, i just woke up there, bud, and it tastes like one shit in my mouth. But, don't worry, I'll take care of it. Oh, and tell the schmuck that runs this place that you need to bring the ice machine back!"
Anyway, i jump onto the bed and begin to relax,
and she starts pretting up to go out to dinner. "So, where we eating, baby? How's 'bout you and me...we hit up a five guys...make it six guys and a braud, huh?"
We go out to eat at the keg. I got this chicken breast the size of a mentos. You know, the freshmaker? It costed 117 dollars. But, you need to treat yourself now again to overpriced food, right? We didn't end up hitting the five guys because i was broke after our elegant dining experience. I could've bought an actual keg for that price.
Next day, we hit up the toys R us. While I'm in there, i need to pee. So, i go into the washroom and see a sign. "No Smoking. No weed. No vaping." What kind of kids are coming into this store? Toys R us? More like Toys for the troubled youth. Why do they need to post that sign? What kind of terrible human being smokes in a toys R us restroom? That's what i wanna know. Some guy goes in with a pack of cigarettes, sits on the toilet and lights 'em up one after another because...fuck those kids?
Unbelievable.
Anyhoot, i go to pee and the urinal is really low. Like, for kids. So, here i am relieving myself in a yoga pose, and my yams in my legs....you know, my yam strings? They're about to snap in half. I realize, i got to get the hell out of there.
After that trip, we went to see a ball game in toronto. The blue jays. We're looking into hotels, and my girl texts me.
"Hey, i found one for 300 bucks."
I go, "new phone, who dis?"
I know that sounds asshole to do but...
That-that's like, her favourite thing, don't worry about it. I go, "300 bucks? For what? A used car?" No, hotel. Again, bill and a half a night.
Oh, and 50 bucks for parking. Wait, what?
Parking? What the hell is this nonsense?
We're giving them money. No. I refuse. We'll find a Walmart close by. Park there. Walk to the hotel. I'm not a sucker. Trailers, campers, travelers...they can all park overnight at a Walmart no charge. No ticket. Say what you will about walmart, but walmart is more reasonable than a hotel...
to be continued...
© pouty
She agreed but said we should go the day before the pick up and do shopping. We could get a hotel and make a little trip out of it.
"Sure, baby. Whatever you want, we'll do." We headed out. Nice ride there fighting over what music to listen to. Litres upon litres of coffee. And after tens of tens of idiots drivers, we made it. We check in. I open the door. Key works...good start. Everything looked in order, no police tape. No blood stains on the carpet or chalk outline of a body. No pentagram drawn in lipstick on the mirror. I open the beside table drawer, bible is nice and straight. Nice Tv.
There was a keurig machine with included k cups! That's worth 75 bucks right there! Okay, okay. This could work.
I head into the bathroom and see there's a complimentary set of toiletries. There was a little bottle of hotel brand toothpaste with enough paste in it to brush one tooth. There was also a tiny little bottle of lotion. What's that for? In case i want to crank one out watching the basic cable you've included with this luxurious hotel package? But, i appreciated the effort, hotel. I look over to the desk and there's no bucket with a plastic bag in it. No bucket that you are provided with to take to the ice machine this hotel did not have. Strike one, hotel. Everybody knows hotel ice is worth the trip alone, and now there is none? That's cold, unlike my drinks will be without my complementary ice!
I mean, for a bill and a half a night, could you at least put mints on the pillows?
Speaking of that. Why do hotels put mints on the pillows? Is it because they only provide enough toothpaste to brush one tooth and want you to have something to combat morning breath? Which, is it just me, or is morning breath the worst when you're at a hotel? Morning breath is atrocious as is, but when you're at a hotel, you can break the bathroom mirror just by smiling. I called the front desk one time at a hotel. "Yeah, how you doin', buddy? It's room 408. I was wondering if you'd seen any cats wandering in here last night?"
"Cats?"
"Yeah. The animal. Four legs. Meow. Meow. You know, cats?"
"No, sir. We have a no animal policy here."
"No cats, huh?"
"No, sir. Why do you ask?"
"Well, i just woke up there, bud, and it tastes like one shit in my mouth. But, don't worry, I'll take care of it. Oh, and tell the schmuck that runs this place that you need to bring the ice machine back!"
Anyway, i jump onto the bed and begin to relax,
and she starts pretting up to go out to dinner. "So, where we eating, baby? How's 'bout you and me...we hit up a five guys...make it six guys and a braud, huh?"
We go out to eat at the keg. I got this chicken breast the size of a mentos. You know, the freshmaker? It costed 117 dollars. But, you need to treat yourself now again to overpriced food, right? We didn't end up hitting the five guys because i was broke after our elegant dining experience. I could've bought an actual keg for that price.
Next day, we hit up the toys R us. While I'm in there, i need to pee. So, i go into the washroom and see a sign. "No Smoking. No weed. No vaping." What kind of kids are coming into this store? Toys R us? More like Toys for the troubled youth. Why do they need to post that sign? What kind of terrible human being smokes in a toys R us restroom? That's what i wanna know. Some guy goes in with a pack of cigarettes, sits on the toilet and lights 'em up one after another because...fuck those kids?
Unbelievable.
Anyhoot, i go to pee and the urinal is really low. Like, for kids. So, here i am relieving myself in a yoga pose, and my yams in my legs....you know, my yam strings? They're about to snap in half. I realize, i got to get the hell out of there.
After that trip, we went to see a ball game in toronto. The blue jays. We're looking into hotels, and my girl texts me.
"Hey, i found one for 300 bucks."
I go, "new phone, who dis?"
I know that sounds asshole to do but...
That-that's like, her favourite thing, don't worry about it. I go, "300 bucks? For what? A used car?" No, hotel. Again, bill and a half a night.
Oh, and 50 bucks for parking. Wait, what?
Parking? What the hell is this nonsense?
We're giving them money. No. I refuse. We'll find a Walmart close by. Park there. Walk to the hotel. I'm not a sucker. Trailers, campers, travelers...they can all park overnight at a Walmart no charge. No ticket. Say what you will about walmart, but walmart is more reasonable than a hotel...
to be continued...
© pouty
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