Before we start talking, you need to know I’m from Yorkshire. I’m not American or a fairy from down south. I say things that aren’t always seen or heard as the right thing to say. If you don’t like it, get on your bike and pedal away.**

The apocalypse happened quickly. There were warnings that we should have paid attention to, but no one did. It’s always up to someone else to do something about it. Well, no one did, and here we are. Zombies are strolling around, shuffling their feet, constantly moaning and wheezing. They sound like my ninety-year-old asthmatic gran when she was alive. You might think that the town would look worse for wear, but Huddersfield was such a shithole before, I didn’t particularly notice.

How zombies manage to eat anyone baffles me. They are noisy, slow, and have zero motor skills now. Come on, people—if you are in a building and a zombie chases you, just walk out of a door and close it behind you. The damned thing will be stuck there until one of two things happens: one, some other mug walks in without listening at the door first. In my opinion, if that happens, the zombie deserves the meal. Second option, the zombie trips, falls, and catches the door handle, and the door opens for it. By the time either of those things has happened, you are long gone.

I have been keeping a zombie in a log cabin in some woods for a while now. You see, my mind doesn’t seem to work like other people’s. I think differently. Like I just said about the zombie in a room. Everyone always seems to have a need to kill it. If you do that, you are putting yourself in harm’s way, increasing your chances of death or zombification. Nope, not for me, thanks.

Anyway, back to my pet zombie. Should I tell you I live and walk around the world alone now, or just let you work that out? There are still people about; I just stay away from them—they are worse than the zombies. So, the zombie in my shed. I got him the second he was turning. You know how when someone gets bitten, they get poorly and then die? Well, when they die, you have around six to twelve minutes before they are back as a zombie. Now I won’t go into too much detail, but on this occasion, some people needed help. I charged them for it. Unfortunately, they died; I didn’t. One of them was reasonably close to me when he died,...