First off I just want to let you know I love you. I always will. We didn’t end on the best of terms like I tried so hard to have. In fact we may have ended on the worst of terms (worst than before cos no there is no room for even a friendship). But I love you, nonetheless.

You always knew I’d be there pretty much no matter what. You knew I wasn’t letting you go for anything (no matter what crumbs of your table I had to eat). You took advantage of that and it’s cool. You walked all over me and I let you.

I’m definitely not saying you were all bad. In fact I had most of the best times of my 29 year life while we were together. There were times you showed me signs that you were capable of loving me. It only pulled me into your aura even more. I was stuck.

But unfortunately my feelings weren’t exactly reciprocated. Such is life. Feelings are almost never 50/50. Someone has to end up on the 50> side. For the first time ever that was me. But it felt like our ratio it was about 95/5 with me bearing the greater burden. But adoring someone that much is an awesome feeling. I just wished you would have took better care of your 5%

Confused, hurt, unloved, those are just a few of the emotions you have left me with. The pain continually cuts deeper into my skin with every breath I breathe. You destroyed me mentally and emotionally ….

Because of you I am petrified to be with anyone, because of you I don’t trust anyone and always wonder if they actually care or if they are just saving face the same way you did…

Because of you, I feel like a burden to everyone I come in contact with and feel like they are constantly being lied to…

Because of you, I question people's morals and their relationship with me…

You not only broke my heart but you broke me…



Thanks to you I understand what it feels like to be on the losing end of the power struggle of a relationship. I’m a better person because of it. Maybe one day your fine ass will finally understand. Maybe one day you’ll be able to look back at the trail of destruction that you’ve left behind and become a better person because of it. Unfortunately that doesn’t just happen. Most of the time we have to survive our own disasters in order to prevent future ones from occurring. I pray yours isn’t nearly as catastrophic.

I am not perfect and I definitely have my flaws and subsequent mishaps. And I do apologize for those and hope one day you can forgive me and let go of the underlying hate you have towards me…

We aren’t friends and I acknowledge that, so if you see me on the side of the road, stuck, helpless and needy please turn a blind eye like you did last night.. If you see me being molested or raped please turn a blind eye like you did last night… If you see anyone tormenting me or hurting me continuously please turn a blind eye like you did last night cos it took you turning a blind eye for me to realise how blinded I actually was.

You weren’t ready for the love I wanted to give you and that’s okay. It is what it is…

I wish you nothing but the best.

XoXo

The girl who wasn’t enough even as a friend