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Mistakes
I understood well. It hurt so bad though that now I regretted what I’ve done. I called Gaara…. Nothing. Zabuza? Still nothing. Near? He answered.
“Ha-ha how’s it going?”
“I did something awful. I didn’t mean to it just happened.”
He was hesitant, “I’ll be over in a few.”
***
Click I heard the phone beep telling me that the conversation was over. I waited outside. Still staring at the mess. It looked awful. I thought back to when I did it the last time. Seventh grade. It didn’t look this bad though. This deep. Covering my wrist. I needed help that I knew for sure. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of wheels rolling on the rough concrete. The squeak of the board informed me that Near was here.
He stared at me, “You shouldn’t do that.”
I sighed looking at the ground then my wrist, “I know.”
“So why did you do it then?”
“Issues?”
“Like?”
“Family, school, and other stuff.”
“You need help.”
Again I sighed, “I know.”
I felt my eyes swell as tears walked to the edge of my face jumping at my chin.
“You should take care of that. Hide it/ we don’t need the issues to build.”
“Ok”
“Let me help.
When everyone turns to look at my arm, it feels like the eyes of the world are upon me... The whispers burned my ears making the pain worse…… I pulled my sleeve down farther and farther. Making it look like they were devouring my arms. The pain was unbearable. Mainly when my friend would touch my arm. I had to act like the pain didn’t exsist. Sadly it did.
I felt as if everyone knew besides Near and me. Even though I knew for sure they didn't. Hiding it was hard. It being summer and all.
As I pulled it tighter, the bandage slips through my fingers. Grasping the bloody bandage seems more like a challenge each time. I lock it down and as soon as I let my hand drop, the bandage unfolds showing the world what I've done.
"Mr. Ryan can you possibly open a window?" I asked fanning my face with my History 11 book.
"I don't know if it will help but I sure can."
"Thanks."
Gaara turned around. "You have been acting different."
I was hesitating to answer, "How so?"
"You always wear T-shirts. Now you’re wearing sleeves. And if your left arm is touched you freak out."
I knew I needed to tell her. "If I tell you will you please swear no one will find out?"
"I swear."
I pulled my sleeve up. The shock in her face made me realize I didn’t just hurt my self, but Gaara as well.
You know that feeling you get when you do something wrong and everyone around is affected? Well that’s how it is. Even though I hurt me, all my friends are now hurt, worried, and confused. I wanted people to understand. Not to be in pain.
They don't trust me alone. They search my things. Taking anything I could use, that way I don't do it again. But I don't like this. I mean there is no trust left between me and my friends. Well all except Kira. She is the only one who doesn't know.
"You need to tell her," Near says as we walk towards my house.
"I can't. She will hate me. And worry. You guys already took my space. She would take everything else. I just can't."
"So you want her to remain clueless of the situation? Unaware that her best friend is possibly suicidal?"
"I am not suicidal. Not even close. I made a mistake. And from the way you talk you have made your share of them to."
"Yes but that is different."
"How is that different?"
"It... It just is ok. It’s better for you to live on in this world."
"Oh in a world where I am forgotten. Full of mess ups. All I do is screw up. I couldn't even stay fateful to him."
"Again a mistake was made but that doesn't mean a thing."
"It does to me. I remember when he did this to me. I was angry. And hurt. But this time he is the one hurt. He claims that he isn't mad at me. But I know Naruto too well. He is."
"Again you weren't thinking. You were vulnerable. Things happen. We move on. And if he is so hurt then why does he still love you. Yes he knows its over but he still loves you. He calls everyday just to hear your voice. He is hungry for it. It’s a need. Not a want."
I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I choked on the words urging to pour out. Tears fell. I felt ashamed of myself.
When I got to my house I was quiet. No one was home quite yet. I knew that I could cry, but that if I did it would only give in to the pain. Letting it take over. I needed Naruto. I needed his voice, his touch.
I needed Kakashi. The fact that he lived here made me want him more. I missed him. Even though I shouldn't. He is the kind of need that shouldn't exsist, but sadly does. His soft and sweet kisses. The way he held me.
I felt the goose bumps rising from there hiding stop on my arms and legs. It’s cold. I pulled the sleeve down father, whinsing in pain as it brushed the six large cuts on my arm. Stupid bandage.
I wrapped it for hours last night. My mom was watching. She knew.
When a mom is worried you can tell. It eats a hole in your heart making you aware of the pain. Never filling only growing. It burns. Just like the whispers at school.
I knew sooner or later I would...
“Ha-ha how’s it going?”
“I did something awful. I didn’t mean to it just happened.”
He was hesitant, “I’ll be over in a few.”
***
Click I heard the phone beep telling me that the conversation was over. I waited outside. Still staring at the mess. It looked awful. I thought back to when I did it the last time. Seventh grade. It didn’t look this bad though. This deep. Covering my wrist. I needed help that I knew for sure. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of wheels rolling on the rough concrete. The squeak of the board informed me that Near was here.
He stared at me, “You shouldn’t do that.”
I sighed looking at the ground then my wrist, “I know.”
“So why did you do it then?”
“Issues?”
“Like?”
“Family, school, and other stuff.”
“You need help.”
Again I sighed, “I know.”
I felt my eyes swell as tears walked to the edge of my face jumping at my chin.
“You should take care of that. Hide it/ we don’t need the issues to build.”
“Ok”
“Let me help.
When everyone turns to look at my arm, it feels like the eyes of the world are upon me... The whispers burned my ears making the pain worse…… I pulled my sleeve down farther and farther. Making it look like they were devouring my arms. The pain was unbearable. Mainly when my friend would touch my arm. I had to act like the pain didn’t exsist. Sadly it did.
I felt as if everyone knew besides Near and me. Even though I knew for sure they didn't. Hiding it was hard. It being summer and all.
As I pulled it tighter, the bandage slips through my fingers. Grasping the bloody bandage seems more like a challenge each time. I lock it down and as soon as I let my hand drop, the bandage unfolds showing the world what I've done.
"Mr. Ryan can you possibly open a window?" I asked fanning my face with my History 11 book.
"I don't know if it will help but I sure can."
"Thanks."
Gaara turned around. "You have been acting different."
I was hesitating to answer, "How so?"
"You always wear T-shirts. Now you’re wearing sleeves. And if your left arm is touched you freak out."
I knew I needed to tell her. "If I tell you will you please swear no one will find out?"
"I swear."
I pulled my sleeve up. The shock in her face made me realize I didn’t just hurt my self, but Gaara as well.
You know that feeling you get when you do something wrong and everyone around is affected? Well that’s how it is. Even though I hurt me, all my friends are now hurt, worried, and confused. I wanted people to understand. Not to be in pain.
They don't trust me alone. They search my things. Taking anything I could use, that way I don't do it again. But I don't like this. I mean there is no trust left between me and my friends. Well all except Kira. She is the only one who doesn't know.
"You need to tell her," Near says as we walk towards my house.
"I can't. She will hate me. And worry. You guys already took my space. She would take everything else. I just can't."
"So you want her to remain clueless of the situation? Unaware that her best friend is possibly suicidal?"
"I am not suicidal. Not even close. I made a mistake. And from the way you talk you have made your share of them to."
"Yes but that is different."
"How is that different?"
"It... It just is ok. It’s better for you to live on in this world."
"Oh in a world where I am forgotten. Full of mess ups. All I do is screw up. I couldn't even stay fateful to him."
"Again a mistake was made but that doesn't mean a thing."
"It does to me. I remember when he did this to me. I was angry. And hurt. But this time he is the one hurt. He claims that he isn't mad at me. But I know Naruto too well. He is."
"Again you weren't thinking. You were vulnerable. Things happen. We move on. And if he is so hurt then why does he still love you. Yes he knows its over but he still loves you. He calls everyday just to hear your voice. He is hungry for it. It’s a need. Not a want."
I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I choked on the words urging to pour out. Tears fell. I felt ashamed of myself.
When I got to my house I was quiet. No one was home quite yet. I knew that I could cry, but that if I did it would only give in to the pain. Letting it take over. I needed Naruto. I needed his voice, his touch.
I needed Kakashi. The fact that he lived here made me want him more. I missed him. Even though I shouldn't. He is the kind of need that shouldn't exsist, but sadly does. His soft and sweet kisses. The way he held me.
I felt the goose bumps rising from there hiding stop on my arms and legs. It’s cold. I pulled the sleeve down father, whinsing in pain as it brushed the six large cuts on my arm. Stupid bandage.
I wrapped it for hours last night. My mom was watching. She knew.
When a mom is worried you can tell. It eats a hole in your heart making you aware of the pain. Never filling only growing. It burns. Just like the whispers at school.
I knew sooner or later I would...
