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Personal Diary | Chapter 2 |
CHAPTER 2
.♧.
LIKE A HOMELESS
• Sunday, May 24 •
I congratulate myself on being so good at hiding, being able to protect myself behind a mask of insensitivity and apparent normality. But I hurt for everything, of everything. The changes scare me. The others terrorize me. How to do it, lost in the anthill...
A deep melancholy sets in, coupled with a feeling of being invaded by situations that go beyond me. Of an incessant fear of losing people, of losing myself.
• Monday, May 25 •
Phone call. Incessant indirect harassment. I hear his voice over the phone. I hear his insults. I would like to die.
My privacy is violated again and the images pass by, one by one, rekindling the silent trauma in me.
And I remember this decision, that of killing myself in a way that seemed softer, slower, yet accompanied by a deep desire to live or to survive. I don't really know. To smash my head with stupid existential questions for which anyway, I never get damn answers.
I resume my place as a terrorized child. Terrorized at being no one's love. My emotions overflow, in silence. Internally, they howl. I only live through them. And I, little by little, I cease to exist and refrain from Being. I prefer to give the change. Build me a neat and smooth appearance, very clean. Nothing that suggests the inner drama that is playing out in me. I'm sick of my emotions. These black emotions to die.
'What does this greed and helplessness cry to us other than that there used to be true happiness in man, of which all he has left now is the empty mark and trace and which he tries unnecessarily to fill with everything that surrounds him, looking for things absent the help he does not get from the present, but who are all incapable of it? '
Fucking Blaise, he understood everything.
• Saturday, May 30 •
Getting up too late, sleep became an overwhelming need of my body. And maybe also from my mind. I don't want to think anymore. Sometimes it's so hard, you understand? Sometimes it is unbearable, this bludgeoning of thoughts that burst out in all directions. This anguish gripped my guts.
Sign Out. I numb myself with sleep. The ambient disorder of the apartment and my things spread all over the place send me back to this mental confusion that I feel, the result of this fatigue and my demotivation.
And as the other would say, lost in an arid desert, I swallow sand thinking I am drinking water ...
To appear or to be, the question for me has never been posed as clearly as today. Having always only been appearing. I'm losing my sense of reality.
Sacred beautiful crap.
And the more I think about it, the more I tell myself that all I wanted was to regain control, even of what cannot be controlled. In reality, I no longer controlled anything thinking I was doing it. I've never done anything but persuade myself and lie to myself all this time. And sometimes even the evidence is not strong enough.
White or black. Emotional weather vane. Need for permanent emotional security.
No.
In fact I need anyone.
Needing me
...but I cannot help myself.
• Sunday, May 31 •
Emotions invade my mind. Plunged into urgency I must retranscribe, ask these words which often besides, are not enough any more. The borders separating reality from my illusions seem so blurred to me. I try to exist the spirit drowned between two waters. A kaleidoscope of questions reminds me of my frustrations. I am alone, lost in the middle of the void that inhabits me. Surrounded but yet so alone. And that strange feeling of not having started living yet. I wait for something to happen and finally I can take a deep breath without choking and suffocating all my negativity.
I get lost and in my fall I lose the world. And I see walls erect everywhere between me and the others. Anxiety and fear gnaw at me. I watch the world behind a window. Confronted with my own paradoxes, I feel dizzy. I demand freedom but the infinity of possibilities scares me.
I am my own equation, my own stranger. Homeless everywhere.
Is someone just looking for me?.
© Birdy'
.♧.
LIKE A HOMELESS
• Sunday, May 24 •
I congratulate myself on being so good at hiding, being able to protect myself behind a mask of insensitivity and apparent normality. But I hurt for everything, of everything. The changes scare me. The others terrorize me. How to do it, lost in the anthill...
A deep melancholy sets in, coupled with a feeling of being invaded by situations that go beyond me. Of an incessant fear of losing people, of losing myself.
• Monday, May 25 •
Phone call. Incessant indirect harassment. I hear his voice over the phone. I hear his insults. I would like to die.
My privacy is violated again and the images pass by, one by one, rekindling the silent trauma in me.
And I remember this decision, that of killing myself in a way that seemed softer, slower, yet accompanied by a deep desire to live or to survive. I don't really know. To smash my head with stupid existential questions for which anyway, I never get damn answers.
I resume my place as a terrorized child. Terrorized at being no one's love. My emotions overflow, in silence. Internally, they howl. I only live through them. And I, little by little, I cease to exist and refrain from Being. I prefer to give the change. Build me a neat and smooth appearance, very clean. Nothing that suggests the inner drama that is playing out in me. I'm sick of my emotions. These black emotions to die.
'What does this greed and helplessness cry to us other than that there used to be true happiness in man, of which all he has left now is the empty mark and trace and which he tries unnecessarily to fill with everything that surrounds him, looking for things absent the help he does not get from the present, but who are all incapable of it? '
Fucking Blaise, he understood everything.
• Saturday, May 30 •
Getting up too late, sleep became an overwhelming need of my body. And maybe also from my mind. I don't want to think anymore. Sometimes it's so hard, you understand? Sometimes it is unbearable, this bludgeoning of thoughts that burst out in all directions. This anguish gripped my guts.
Sign Out. I numb myself with sleep. The ambient disorder of the apartment and my things spread all over the place send me back to this mental confusion that I feel, the result of this fatigue and my demotivation.
And as the other would say, lost in an arid desert, I swallow sand thinking I am drinking water ...
To appear or to be, the question for me has never been posed as clearly as today. Having always only been appearing. I'm losing my sense of reality.
Sacred beautiful crap.
And the more I think about it, the more I tell myself that all I wanted was to regain control, even of what cannot be controlled. In reality, I no longer controlled anything thinking I was doing it. I've never done anything but persuade myself and lie to myself all this time. And sometimes even the evidence is not strong enough.
White or black. Emotional weather vane. Need for permanent emotional security.
No.
In fact I need anyone.
Needing me
...but I cannot help myself.
• Sunday, May 31 •
Emotions invade my mind. Plunged into urgency I must retranscribe, ask these words which often besides, are not enough any more. The borders separating reality from my illusions seem so blurred to me. I try to exist the spirit drowned between two waters. A kaleidoscope of questions reminds me of my frustrations. I am alone, lost in the middle of the void that inhabits me. Surrounded but yet so alone. And that strange feeling of not having started living yet. I wait for something to happen and finally I can take a deep breath without choking and suffocating all my negativity.
I get lost and in my fall I lose the world. And I see walls erect everywhere between me and the others. Anxiety and fear gnaw at me. I watch the world behind a window. Confronted with my own paradoxes, I feel dizzy. I demand freedom but the infinity of possibilities scares me.
I am my own equation, my own stranger. Homeless everywhere.
Is someone just looking for me?.
© Birdy'
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