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Bury them Dead
I like most women have been abused in many different forms from date rape, molestation, stalkers inappropriate touching, inappropriate conversations, catcalls, you know the list. Between denial, hiding, boundaries that were often self-punishing, rules, and dress adjustments the incident would still occur in new creative ways. Funny because it was also as if society still blamed my contribution to an act I had no say in.
This was the pain that made up much of my baggage and behavioral adjustment to protect myself but I still hurt and it still happened. The funny thing was I didn't even hate some of my abusers and laughed at my discomfort to ease them.
Somehow I couldn't forgive me either. Even when I tried forgiveness it never worked completely because to talk about the circumstance made me hurt all over again.
Sure I tried shared and got other women to share too. We acknowledge it wasn't our fault but it still hurt and it could bring a tear or a negative change a mood. I would live in denial and forgot what I could till the triggers came. Regularly in bed with men, you had given consent too. Then I would be a shell of myself. I tried therapy but that made me cry a lot but not erase the pain. Nothing really worked to close my wound till I learned how to 'bury it dead'.
I was listening to Dr. Mark Anthony talk during an online course I took. This man spoke about the fact you haven't forgiven till you 'bury the memory dead'. This intrigued me. He said that my abuser committed his crime once but I relived it multiple times and it was I who was crueler to myself than my abuser.
Mind you, this came after I became aware of how self-critical and abusive I was to me in general. The things I said to me, those mean internal dialogues, the harsh criticisms, the insults, the bashing my own intelligence, and the unrealistic expectations I demanded of me. With this awareness, I could understand, how this was another way I was willing to abuse myself.
The instruction was to stop replaying it and remove the emotions from the story. Stop being frightened, ashamed, upset, stop trying to understand why me. Take away any power I had given my perpetrators or the story. Start realizing it is over and done. They can't have my fear, my shame, my guilt and they can't have space in my heart or my mind. I gave them nothing.
I practiced till it no longer haunted me and it was truly dead. Till they and their actions had no power. It was real freedom. I thought wow this is what real forgiveness looked like. I felt empowered, lighter, happier. It was like reclaiming land, you had lost in a property dispute. They couldn't abuse me any longer, they weren't worth my hate, my scorn my contempt. I was free and it felt amazing.
I know many of us still hurt and even feel ugly from the wounds and scars they left. Remember they don't deserve anything more from us but to be buried dead. Do it for you. I hope it is as rewarding as it was for me.
Maria Collymore
Relationship Coach
June 10, 2020
This was the pain that made up much of my baggage and behavioral adjustment to protect myself but I still hurt and it still happened. The funny thing was I didn't even hate some of my abusers and laughed at my discomfort to ease them.
Somehow I couldn't forgive me either. Even when I tried forgiveness it never worked completely because to talk about the circumstance made me hurt all over again.
Sure I tried shared and got other women to share too. We acknowledge it wasn't our fault but it still hurt and it could bring a tear or a negative change a mood. I would live in denial and forgot what I could till the triggers came. Regularly in bed with men, you had given consent too. Then I would be a shell of myself. I tried therapy but that made me cry a lot but not erase the pain. Nothing really worked to close my wound till I learned how to 'bury it dead'.
I was listening to Dr. Mark Anthony talk during an online course I took. This man spoke about the fact you haven't forgiven till you 'bury the memory dead'. This intrigued me. He said that my abuser committed his crime once but I relived it multiple times and it was I who was crueler to myself than my abuser.
Mind you, this came after I became aware of how self-critical and abusive I was to me in general. The things I said to me, those mean internal dialogues, the harsh criticisms, the insults, the bashing my own intelligence, and the unrealistic expectations I demanded of me. With this awareness, I could understand, how this was another way I was willing to abuse myself.
The instruction was to stop replaying it and remove the emotions from the story. Stop being frightened, ashamed, upset, stop trying to understand why me. Take away any power I had given my perpetrators or the story. Start realizing it is over and done. They can't have my fear, my shame, my guilt and they can't have space in my heart or my mind. I gave them nothing.
I practiced till it no longer haunted me and it was truly dead. Till they and their actions had no power. It was real freedom. I thought wow this is what real forgiveness looked like. I felt empowered, lighter, happier. It was like reclaiming land, you had lost in a property dispute. They couldn't abuse me any longer, they weren't worth my hate, my scorn my contempt. I was free and it felt amazing.
I know many of us still hurt and even feel ugly from the wounds and scars they left. Remember they don't deserve anything more from us but to be buried dead. Do it for you. I hope it is as rewarding as it was for me.
Maria Collymore
Relationship Coach
June 10, 2020
