I watched as the cancer weighed her down, crushing her a feeble slump, both physically and mentally. It made her immobile and she could not do what she love the most nowadays, walking on the dirt covered path we frequented over the years with wind susurrating in the background.


It seemed such a such a simple thing but it is out of her reach now. Her wishing to walk on the same path we both grumbled at when walking back home back then made me realise how much we fail to appreciate trivial matters and ordeals that passes by in a blink. It made me appreciate her, my mom and annoying little brother more.


She taught me appreciation.


This resorted me into taking her on our own little adventure on that darned path with multiple broken bricks she loved. It was worth it though when her laugh resounded in the air augmented with the fishy smell coming from the little fish cake stall filling in the edge of the road as the wheelchair danced and bumbed. Anything is worth it for thy though, I realised.



I watched helplessly as she slowly succumbed into her knees infront of that deadly entity that entrapped around her like a vice squeezing the life out of her and forcing her legs down as she thrashed against it to just float up and not drown. She slowly detoriated, her will to live as well. It was evident from the way that the time she laid on her bed aimlessly increased as the time they spend together thinned out.


As determined she was, she made me read books for her after she was not able to go outside on our expedition revisiting all the place she seemed to enjoy due to the persistent pain of her bones which worsens at activity. She loved to read to the point that she was always surrounded in literary pieces before any of this and she recoiled in pain after finding out she could not bare to see words with a buzzing headache after her treatment started. Even though I hate anything correlated to literature, I rushed home to bath before speeding towards her home just so I could feel her presence beside me.



Her rosy chubby cheeks are pale and sunken with the amount of weight she lost after her radiation therapy. Her eyes lack the lustre it had in the past and shrivelled to the wind wearily but she still stubbornly refused to close it when we were together. Her now pale lips are stretched in an easy smile whenever we looked. It is hard to miss the way the same lips struggled to keep away the frown.



She jested about the way she wanted to be at ease and deviod of any pain in our memories of her final moments if she were to let go oneday which she definitely wasn't going to with a fight.


We both know


We know how she is barely holding on.


As I who hadn't touched even any books other than textbooks kept on reading mindlessly on the night because I couldn't understand half the words I was spouting, she seemed immersed trying to soak up and embody all the words despite her eyes protests. So I didnt have the heart to tell her to sleep. Maybe, I was afraid.



The day came when she was not able to stand any voice because of the headache she had. So I resorted to just sit beside her bed with mom across me. Gradually, the headache became excruciating to the point she writhed in the bed crying. Those days we were forced out of the room by her. I sit outside of her room until her cries reduced to snores which continued to really late at night untill it stopped happening and she was unable to even sleep.


It didn't come of as a suprise when the doctor asked if we want to continue the treatment or not. We are not able and didn't want to give her up just like that but when we saw her her face in pain, we let her choose. Though futile, she choose to fight.


She taught me courage.



She is the most strong person I know and will ever know. I don't think there is anyone who simply loves the essence of living and lives to love everything around her as much as she do. She appreciates all the little things god created just as how we all should. She cherishes God's creations as how he wanted us to when he moulded them. If there was anyone who deserves a chance at living, it was her.



But life is unfair to those who wants to truly live.


She fought for 15 whole days tooth and nail against death until it coaxed the fight out of her.


I found her unconscious on her bed on that fateful morning. I don't think I can scrap that image out of my mind even after years. It lies imprinted raw and bleeding. Let it be bleeding to feel something.



Even if I was mindful about how she were to be ripped away from me, I wasn't braced for the catastrophe when it happened. My heart seemed to have been buried with her as well, I suppose. This pain seemed to have consumed me as I struggled and still struggle to just function as a normal human and live.


Live..


She wanted to but she couldn't while the selfish me could but doesn't want to without her. It's a curse.


Living is a curse without you.



Oh god, Why couldn't you take me instead of her? Why couldn't you take me with her as well though it feels as if I'm buried alongside her?


They said that you know everything. Then, why did you leave me to scramble and live even when you know that,


When she leaves , my will to live will leave with her.




Forgive me, mom.

© silu_chk