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Part 1 of a Memoir By Derek Abraxas: "And There I Was, Feeding An Addiction."
"And There I Was , Feeding an Addiction... "
(Thank you all for reading.
Ebook and audiobook to be released soon,
and for free on most major platforms.
Including but not limited to Barnes & Noble and spotify.)
Dedication:
This memoir is dedicated to the faceless men I naturally consider angels, who set in motion a change inside of me during my darkest nights.
To the phantom seeking "The Fish tables"—were you truly a man, or a seraph disguised in earthly garb, sent to nudge my conscience toward redemption? Our sole exchange, a fleeting dialogue on that fateful night, set in motion a profound transformation within me. Yet, our second encounter, a wordless parting shrouded in shadows, left me wrestling with uncertainty. Did I inadvertently guide you toward oblivion, or were you simply returning home, your angelic mission fulfilled? The weight of this question still haunts my waking hours
To the enigmatic figure at the gas station—you were wrestling with your ensnared jacket, yet unwavering in your gaze. You, a stranger, somehow peered into the abyss of my soul, revealing a darkness I desperately concealed. How did you discern my deepest secret, etched in my eyes like an epitaph? Did you seek solace in the poison I offered, a desperate attempt to alleviate your own burdens? Know this: your silent judgment, that unspoken accusation reflected in your eyes, ignited a flicker of self-awareness within me, a spark that ultimately led to my salvation
To both of you—if you are indeed mortal, adrift in this world of shadows, I pray this message finds you. Seek me out, let us converse, and perhaps begin anew the story that fate so abruptly interrupted. For I believe that our destinies, intertwined in those fleeting encounters, have yet to fully unfold.
Preface:
Before I begin, I want to give some background on this story…”
January 2023… It arrived like a harbinger of change, marking the inception of an introspective journey. It began with the difficult decision to end a decade-long relationship with my child's mother, a betrayal that pierced deeply and marked the beginning of my downward spiral. This was not merely about the end of a relationship; it was the catalyst that nudged me toward a chasm of desolation, where addiction waited in the shadows.
As I grappled with the emotional aftermath, I retreated into an inner world, a place where depression cast its long shadows and reclusiveness became my refuge. The vibrant hues of my life—being a devoted father, a passionate chef, and a committed restaurant manager—began to fade as each day blurred into the next, leaving me in a monochrome existence. The familiar rhythms of my daily life unraveled, and I found myself seeking solace in addiction, a temporary escape from the encroaching darkness.
This was the end of the person that I was my whole life, in the beginning of a brand new life as a new person I did not know, understand, and at the time, didn't even want to be. Thrown into a dance with the shadows that would eventually lead to an awakening I neither sought nor foresaw. It was a struggle that took me to the edge. I was essentially a dead man searching for a second life. But it was within this darkness that the flicker of transformation awaited—a journey of introspection that would ultimately redefine my understanding of not only my existence, but the existence of all that exists, and doesn't exist.
Chapter 1: A Deep Meaning Buried In Nonsense.
This journey began with what felt like any other day, just before destiny decided to intervene. Gathered in my apartment were a couple acquaintances. We were dishing out our usual innocent one liners. Roasting each other to pass time and keep the mood light. I was cleaning up my desk and the two of them were having the familiar “I know how you'll die” conversation to exploit each other's bad habits. The jokes began coming in my direction as one friend quipped about my notorious habit of crossing streets without looking both ways—a quirk they often made a point to rib me about. To be typical of me, I laughed it off...
(Thank you all for reading.
Ebook and audiobook to be released soon,
and for free on most major platforms.
Including but not limited to Barnes & Noble and spotify.)
Dedication:
This memoir is dedicated to the faceless men I naturally consider angels, who set in motion a change inside of me during my darkest nights.
To the phantom seeking "The Fish tables"—were you truly a man, or a seraph disguised in earthly garb, sent to nudge my conscience toward redemption? Our sole exchange, a fleeting dialogue on that fateful night, set in motion a profound transformation within me. Yet, our second encounter, a wordless parting shrouded in shadows, left me wrestling with uncertainty. Did I inadvertently guide you toward oblivion, or were you simply returning home, your angelic mission fulfilled? The weight of this question still haunts my waking hours
To the enigmatic figure at the gas station—you were wrestling with your ensnared jacket, yet unwavering in your gaze. You, a stranger, somehow peered into the abyss of my soul, revealing a darkness I desperately concealed. How did you discern my deepest secret, etched in my eyes like an epitaph? Did you seek solace in the poison I offered, a desperate attempt to alleviate your own burdens? Know this: your silent judgment, that unspoken accusation reflected in your eyes, ignited a flicker of self-awareness within me, a spark that ultimately led to my salvation
To both of you—if you are indeed mortal, adrift in this world of shadows, I pray this message finds you. Seek me out, let us converse, and perhaps begin anew the story that fate so abruptly interrupted. For I believe that our destinies, intertwined in those fleeting encounters, have yet to fully unfold.
Preface:
Before I begin, I want to give some background on this story…”
January 2023… It arrived like a harbinger of change, marking the inception of an introspective journey. It began with the difficult decision to end a decade-long relationship with my child's mother, a betrayal that pierced deeply and marked the beginning of my downward spiral. This was not merely about the end of a relationship; it was the catalyst that nudged me toward a chasm of desolation, where addiction waited in the shadows.
As I grappled with the emotional aftermath, I retreated into an inner world, a place where depression cast its long shadows and reclusiveness became my refuge. The vibrant hues of my life—being a devoted father, a passionate chef, and a committed restaurant manager—began to fade as each day blurred into the next, leaving me in a monochrome existence. The familiar rhythms of my daily life unraveled, and I found myself seeking solace in addiction, a temporary escape from the encroaching darkness.
This was the end of the person that I was my whole life, in the beginning of a brand new life as a new person I did not know, understand, and at the time, didn't even want to be. Thrown into a dance with the shadows that would eventually lead to an awakening I neither sought nor foresaw. It was a struggle that took me to the edge. I was essentially a dead man searching for a second life. But it was within this darkness that the flicker of transformation awaited—a journey of introspection that would ultimately redefine my understanding of not only my existence, but the existence of all that exists, and doesn't exist.
Chapter 1: A Deep Meaning Buried In Nonsense.
This journey began with what felt like any other day, just before destiny decided to intervene. Gathered in my apartment were a couple acquaintances. We were dishing out our usual innocent one liners. Roasting each other to pass time and keep the mood light. I was cleaning up my desk and the two of them were having the familiar “I know how you'll die” conversation to exploit each other's bad habits. The jokes began coming in my direction as one friend quipped about my notorious habit of crossing streets without looking both ways—a quirk they often made a point to rib me about. To be typical of me, I laughed it off...
