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5 year old version of death
I remember the 3rd of March, 1991. I was only 5 years old. It was also our 2nd week in our new land and house all paid for my dads hard working selling crops to local and some off island. I remember sitting on the dinning table with some of my siblings and my mom when all of the sudden my mom burst into tears and scream. I remember how our neighbors, our family members and church members all came over to our house and hug my mom and all of my siblings. My mom was not my mom I can recall because all she did was crying heavily even when we go to sleep.
I remember the next day, our house was full of people, some relatives and some faces I've seen before, each have a role to play. Some where at the kitchen cooking, some were cleaning the land, some were digging a hole, some were decorating our house with finemats and siapo. Group of people came with boxes of can fish, traditional finemats, a cow that just got killed, and envelope with money. A traditional culture in Samoa for family faalavelave (funeral/wedding/birthday). Well it sure wasnt a wedding or a birthday. I have all my cousins over same age group so I was pretty much occupied playing around with them just like any normal 5 year old will.
The next day my mom could barely see her eyes were swollen from crying. It was the day that I remember we woke up to go to church on a weekday which was odd. My mom wasnt with us, I remember my favourite white lace dress that's what I was wearing. At church my siblings and I were sitting in the front chair of the middle isle. I remember how many people were there that day, some of them whom I've known as family members some church members some village people, some new faces I've never seen before. I remember how one of the bishop of the church announced for everyone to stand up. In the back entrance of the main chapel a black box with wheels moving slowly towards the front, behind it was my mom in tears.
I was crying too but because I saw my mom for the 20th time in a role the past 2 days crying. Not even a dry eye in the room except for my age group. The box was right in the middle of the isle we were sitting. My mom could barely breathe crying heavily as her friends were hugging her one by one. Service start with a song and prayer and of course the Bishops Word Of Preaching. Then I see my mom, my dad family and friends took turn going up to say whatever they said. All I could recall was each and everyone if them mentioned my dads name. The Service took so long, I know because I was hungry but I was told to sit still it's almost finish.
Finally the last song play and the last prayer was said I shouted the loudest AMEN. We all walked home it was only a 3 minutes away from our house except for my mom that came in a weird looking black car with a black box in it. Got home everyone that was at the church service follow us home. Even the black car with the black box too. I remember seeing a 6ft square hole, all cement, cover with traditional tapa siapo. Decorated beautifully. The Choir sings the glorious tune of heaven and earth. I remember the black box was finally open and only to hear, kiss goodbye to your daddy. There he was fast asleep so deep in his dreams so handsome with a while gown as my sisters and brothers kissed him goodbye.
It was my turn my mom held me up again his forehead crying still, of all the scenario I've seen and witness a couple of days I still didnt feel the need to cry maybe I was on 5 years old with a brain of a 5 year old. As I lean forward to kiss my dads forehead my lips felt cold before it reaches his smooth but cold forehead. At the time I thought it was cool. Looking at him laying peaceful and unbothered with arms fold I thought he was taking a long restless sleep. As I stood wondering and observed the people, the hole and my mom was just crying holding on to him.
Some people came and took my mom off the box and close the box, but even still when then put the box slowly down the hole, people were trying to hold my mom back from jumping in the same hole. It was confusing apart of me cried because I've never seen my mom like that. The box was underneath the hole and the top was cover with cement and dirt. Food was serve. It looks like a big feast. A big celebration. Everyone including the kids were feed. The day was slowly done to the afternoon sound of a normal evening in a daily life of our beloved household. People started going home to there own home.
I slept tirelessly that whole night till the morning. It feels a little different but dont really know what was different. Some family members were still there Cleaning up. My mum in her own corner still crying as my two older sisters were hugging and crying with her. The next day the same, the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th,7th, 8th, 9th,10th.. were slightly the same. As weeks turn into months and months to years I started to notice my mom attend to all of our needs, cooking, cleaning, household chores and whatnot, and my dad is still sleeping. Mom would wake up in the early hours of the morning to get is ready for school with a lunch and every after school we will come home to be greeted by a delicious smell of a homemade can of fish gravy or whatever she can afford that day.
It wasnt until I was in Year 8 middle school. It was when all the parents would come to register there kids who make it to Year 8 and attend the school welcome assembly that I saw mostly all the kids in my level with 2 sets of parents, a father and a mother. And only to see my mom sitting by herself next to a set of parents. For the very first time in my life I felt so numb that I couldn't breath. My heart was beating like the long leg of the clock. I try to distract myself so I dont look stupid in the middle of a thousand kids. For some reason I pause then breath heavily until I got call my class and teacher. My mom came to see where my classroom was and my teacher. As she kiss goodbye and walked away I could feel my cheeks wet with tears. I quickly wiped it dry and get back in the classroom. The first day has come to an end. I went home, as soon as I walk in the house my heart dropped as if I've been carry a 40ltrs of rocks. I couldnt explain what was in my heart that makes me cry. I couldnt come believe why my mom has been crying too and the fact that she manage to cry and attend to our needs daily was even harder to comprehend. I knew right then that my dad was gone forever that he wasnt sleeping. But why didnt I feel this pain before? I knew right then how my mum was twice as hurt as how I'm feeling right now. But I didnt know? I knew right then why she has been doing everything by herself. But I didnt notice soon enough? How could this be? Why my mom? Why us? We literally dont have anything rather then a piece of land and each other.
We were in our own house, fighting battles that noone could see. Breaking every mold that is trying to destroy us physically and spiritually just because our dad pass and leaves only our mom and us. I was that child that give in and almost give up. But my mom, my mom is like no other. I've witness her breaking point crying herself to sleep and with a still small voice, her mouth mumbling words that i couldnt here. But she is praying. Praying was her only weapon when we are all under one roof. She became the warrior that she is right infront of my eyes. Walked a widow journey, feeding and schooling 6 of us kids all by herself. Tired and restless she still leads. It was because of her that makes our home a place to leave, it was because of her that makes our days surpasses by at ease, it was because of her that we learn how to survive, it was because of her that taught us the meaning of life, it was because of her that I am the person I am today, is was because of her that I learn the purest of love. I am forever in dept of her sacrifice. My dad was fortunate enough to have met my mother for she is our Warrior. Undefeated no matter what the world throws at her whether it'll break her rest assure she will rise up and conquer all for God is with her.
© Tamz Sua
I remember the next day, our house was full of people, some relatives and some faces I've seen before, each have a role to play. Some where at the kitchen cooking, some were cleaning the land, some were digging a hole, some were decorating our house with finemats and siapo. Group of people came with boxes of can fish, traditional finemats, a cow that just got killed, and envelope with money. A traditional culture in Samoa for family faalavelave (funeral/wedding/birthday). Well it sure wasnt a wedding or a birthday. I have all my cousins over same age group so I was pretty much occupied playing around with them just like any normal 5 year old will.
The next day my mom could barely see her eyes were swollen from crying. It was the day that I remember we woke up to go to church on a weekday which was odd. My mom wasnt with us, I remember my favourite white lace dress that's what I was wearing. At church my siblings and I were sitting in the front chair of the middle isle. I remember how many people were there that day, some of them whom I've known as family members some church members some village people, some new faces I've never seen before. I remember how one of the bishop of the church announced for everyone to stand up. In the back entrance of the main chapel a black box with wheels moving slowly towards the front, behind it was my mom in tears.
I was crying too but because I saw my mom for the 20th time in a role the past 2 days crying. Not even a dry eye in the room except for my age group. The box was right in the middle of the isle we were sitting. My mom could barely breathe crying heavily as her friends were hugging her one by one. Service start with a song and prayer and of course the Bishops Word Of Preaching. Then I see my mom, my dad family and friends took turn going up to say whatever they said. All I could recall was each and everyone if them mentioned my dads name. The Service took so long, I know because I was hungry but I was told to sit still it's almost finish.
Finally the last song play and the last prayer was said I shouted the loudest AMEN. We all walked home it was only a 3 minutes away from our house except for my mom that came in a weird looking black car with a black box in it. Got home everyone that was at the church service follow us home. Even the black car with the black box too. I remember seeing a 6ft square hole, all cement, cover with traditional tapa siapo. Decorated beautifully. The Choir sings the glorious tune of heaven and earth. I remember the black box was finally open and only to hear, kiss goodbye to your daddy. There he was fast asleep so deep in his dreams so handsome with a while gown as my sisters and brothers kissed him goodbye.
It was my turn my mom held me up again his forehead crying still, of all the scenario I've seen and witness a couple of days I still didnt feel the need to cry maybe I was on 5 years old with a brain of a 5 year old. As I lean forward to kiss my dads forehead my lips felt cold before it reaches his smooth but cold forehead. At the time I thought it was cool. Looking at him laying peaceful and unbothered with arms fold I thought he was taking a long restless sleep. As I stood wondering and observed the people, the hole and my mom was just crying holding on to him.
Some people came and took my mom off the box and close the box, but even still when then put the box slowly down the hole, people were trying to hold my mom back from jumping in the same hole. It was confusing apart of me cried because I've never seen my mom like that. The box was underneath the hole and the top was cover with cement and dirt. Food was serve. It looks like a big feast. A big celebration. Everyone including the kids were feed. The day was slowly done to the afternoon sound of a normal evening in a daily life of our beloved household. People started going home to there own home.
I slept tirelessly that whole night till the morning. It feels a little different but dont really know what was different. Some family members were still there Cleaning up. My mum in her own corner still crying as my two older sisters were hugging and crying with her. The next day the same, the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th,7th, 8th, 9th,10th.. were slightly the same. As weeks turn into months and months to years I started to notice my mom attend to all of our needs, cooking, cleaning, household chores and whatnot, and my dad is still sleeping. Mom would wake up in the early hours of the morning to get is ready for school with a lunch and every after school we will come home to be greeted by a delicious smell of a homemade can of fish gravy or whatever she can afford that day.
It wasnt until I was in Year 8 middle school. It was when all the parents would come to register there kids who make it to Year 8 and attend the school welcome assembly that I saw mostly all the kids in my level with 2 sets of parents, a father and a mother. And only to see my mom sitting by herself next to a set of parents. For the very first time in my life I felt so numb that I couldn't breath. My heart was beating like the long leg of the clock. I try to distract myself so I dont look stupid in the middle of a thousand kids. For some reason I pause then breath heavily until I got call my class and teacher. My mom came to see where my classroom was and my teacher. As she kiss goodbye and walked away I could feel my cheeks wet with tears. I quickly wiped it dry and get back in the classroom. The first day has come to an end. I went home, as soon as I walk in the house my heart dropped as if I've been carry a 40ltrs of rocks. I couldnt explain what was in my heart that makes me cry. I couldnt come believe why my mom has been crying too and the fact that she manage to cry and attend to our needs daily was even harder to comprehend. I knew right then that my dad was gone forever that he wasnt sleeping. But why didnt I feel this pain before? I knew right then how my mum was twice as hurt as how I'm feeling right now. But I didnt know? I knew right then why she has been doing everything by herself. But I didnt notice soon enough? How could this be? Why my mom? Why us? We literally dont have anything rather then a piece of land and each other.
We were in our own house, fighting battles that noone could see. Breaking every mold that is trying to destroy us physically and spiritually just because our dad pass and leaves only our mom and us. I was that child that give in and almost give up. But my mom, my mom is like no other. I've witness her breaking point crying herself to sleep and with a still small voice, her mouth mumbling words that i couldnt here. But she is praying. Praying was her only weapon when we are all under one roof. She became the warrior that she is right infront of my eyes. Walked a widow journey, feeding and schooling 6 of us kids all by herself. Tired and restless she still leads. It was because of her that makes our home a place to leave, it was because of her that makes our days surpasses by at ease, it was because of her that we learn how to survive, it was because of her that taught us the meaning of life, it was because of her that I am the person I am today, is was because of her that I learn the purest of love. I am forever in dept of her sacrifice. My dad was fortunate enough to have met my mother for she is our Warrior. Undefeated no matter what the world throws at her whether it'll break her rest assure she will rise up and conquer all for God is with her.
© Tamz Sua
