I have gotten this clarity about myself - I have to reach my potential - there is no 2nd way. Even if I make unlimited money, find my soulmate/love of my life/etc - still I know I will be unhappy - because I didn't reach my potential - this awareness will kill me.

It's like a hunger that needs to be fed, else it will prey on me.

I always knew something like this existed within me - and I was always scared of it - and so I always neglected it and tried to run away from it - I have only ended up damaging myself - because since I did not feed that hunger - it fed on me. I self destructed myself - a subconscious slow suicide.

I was waiting for my death - but all along - I wasn't even truly alive. Soul wise - I was already dead - I was just waiting for the physical decay.

^ such a wastage.

Especially, now that I understand the absurdity of my fear - to begin with there was never anything to lose - because I never owned anything. So why?

My fear to live - was overwhelming.

My fear to live - because given a chance - what if by chance I ended up enjoying living? Then what excuse would I have for not participating in life? And so I always found excuse to reject life.

Until, I realised, it's not an option. I am forced to live. Participating in life isn't an option. It's like I was forcibly closing my eyes and hoping reality would disappear - doesn't work.

And then I slowly realised - I never actually wanted to reject life - I only meant to reject the definition of life that had been fed to me - by family/society.

My life = I, myself must define it.

^ that demands the courage and grit of an explorer of uncharted worlds - road that has never been travelled on - a super hero. Just an ordinary human can't do it.

And since, I must do it - find my definition of life, explore roads that don't yet exist - I must become a superhero too ... Nope. I am already a superhero. And not only me - everyone around me - everyone is a superhero ... They just haven't realised it yet :/


© Saibal Samadder