You know when I started to realize that I am already an adult?

No. Not on my eighteenth birthday that a few years from now it’ll be a decade ago.

No. Not the day after my graduation when I was scared shitless of what to do with my life. Or is this even the life I’ve always wanted?

No. Not on my first day from work when I was that clueless beginner, asking myself do I really belong here? Or will I ever fit in?

I don’t remember the exact year, month, week, day, hour, minute and second I realized that I was in fact a full blown adult.

The proper thing to ask is where.

Where did I realize that I am already an adult?

It was in that four corner space where I take a bath every single day.

The place that used to be my sounding board from my terrible voice trying to hit the note of every song that I memorized from heart and failing each time, now become the place where I make most of my decisions in life.

That I don’t even have the slightest idea if I was in fact doing the right thing. Or I’m just trying to bury myself in the dark even more.

Oh that place was still my sounding board. But this time around not my off-key voice ruining a beautiful song. Instead, it became the only place where I allow myself to cry. No, not cry. But to weep. That heart breaking, gut wrenching kind because it’s the only place that I will never be afraid that someone would hear.

And along with the water freely falling from my face each time I always wish for the pain inside my chest, for the tears in my eyes to be washed away with it. And never to return again.

But it never did. It only became a cycle.

Every single day.

That day when I started to realize maybe there was a magic in it?

For it transforms me whenever I step outside of it.

For feeling crap as soon as I wake up to feeling fresh and ready to face the day ahead.

Or maybe I put my mask on pretty nicely.

When I was younger I used to think that being an adult means you get to do what you want. Who you want to be. And where you want to be.

That when that time comes you’d be able to make decision without anyone interfering.

Decisions that I would never ever regret. Because this is my freaking life and I’m the one taking the wheel. And the path that I will take never would go wrong.

Coz nobody told you.

That there were moments where you’ve got to slow down. Or slam the break right instantly for it’s not making sense at all. You’re losing the sight of the road. And the direction you are heading was going nowhere.

Nobody told you that there's too many crossroads and make you want to ask, where will I go to?

And too many shortcuts. Teasing, tempting you. Because unknown places gives you thrill and make you wanna say why the fuck not?

Things you don’t know often excites you. And makes you wanna step on the gas and just fucking go with it. No direction. Just drive. And never look back.

Nobody told you.

That you’d ran out of gas and the moment has come for you to stop. Recharge. Think. Reflect. Because that is the sanest thing to do.

That's what an adult was supposed to do.

Because life's no rose garden and sunshine everyday.

There are moments where it’ll rain. Lucky for you if it’ll only rain.

For there are moments where there’ll be a storm. A storm that will test you. Try to break you and will make you fall down on your knees.

And you need to rise. Wipe off your tears. Smile.

Because that’s what an adult was supposed to do.

Learn from your mistake and be better.

So now it makes me wonder why kids today can’t wait to grow older.

Because if it’s me. Just once. I want to be a child. Once again.

But a wish like that, like stars in the night sky is impossible. Unreachable.

So if I could wish, you know what I'd wish for?

Better days.

Because I have enough storm to last me a lifetime.

I long for it. For the better days to come.

Just to get me through.

And continue.


© euphemia
9/23/2018

#Life #prose #adultslife #writcoapp #writco #writers #Writing #thoughts #thoughtoftheday