I was missing him. But he had no time. My new college was hectic. I was busy. I had no time for cooking, cleaning or anything.

We had calls which lead to fight. His busy and running behind time... My mind ruled by responsibilities!

My Dad got ill. Seriously ill that he had been taken to the hospital. His operations. I was alone. My family members visit ... Looked arround, gave plenty of advice and then went back.

Sagen told me... He is leaving for his home tome.
I waited for his call... Msg... Its 10 days he didn't called or msg me once. I felt cheated. I was sad. I decided not to call him or msg him until he does. (No what's up entered in life ) .

One evening his call came.
I was happy but sad as well.
"Swath... Let's leave run away. I will leave whole realm, you leave your dad... We get married...ok".
I felt its not right. It's not what I dream for. It's not what I wished for. More over. It's not my love to run and hide from our own parents.
No Sagen I won't leave Dad. His condition...
Ok then. Bye.

He cut call.

Silence turned us from weeks to months... And months...
I called him. He didn't responded.

I was going through depression.
My friends suggested me to move on... But all I do is end up missing him.
Preeta couldn't handle me she took me outside so that my mind can be freed. But ... It's in a cage of love!

" 6 years... Yar..its too long... Relationship.... And you are in relationship or not"? My friend Sanoj asked me.
I dont know Sanoj. I avoided looking in her eyes.

I looked at sky getting darker... Few stars were visible. Moon visible... But Sagen... Invisible!

One day... His text poped...
"See you. I reached the city. "
His msg killed my mind.
I felt sad.

I was laying beside him. My skin felt heavyness of my mind. I couldn't feel anything.

"What Swath... What are you thinking?" He asked me touching my nipples.
I moved his fingers away in anger.
I felt as if he is a stranger.

"Sagen...where are we leading...
Do you even love me?" I asked him for answer.
"Oh... For God sake stop asking me again and again.... If it wasn't love why should I have to be here." he got aggressive too.
"Then..why we can't talks as we were... " I said. But he got up to go... Dressing himself... And in anger.
"See this is your problem... You can not accept reality... You need to understand... I'm changed... My life as well... I'm busy with work and I have dream to achieve... I can't simply sit on office chair and take orders." I can't give you time... I have no time... Time is what you are asking... Then Iam sorry I can't give" .he said in full of anger as if I'm not his liver anymore!
"So... Is you going to be like this... "
I uttered almost ready to be flooded up with tear.
"I can't make you understand... Words are not in my nature... You cannot see things which are unsid... And I cannot say in words as you want. I'm not good to explain... It will be better you understand me.
Don't be clingy... Time changes things changes accept it. Don't call or msg unnecessarily."
His words just fell like... He is done in his mind. I lost him. I lost his care. His love. Everything.

I felt so heavy in heart.
I reached home locked my self. Perhaps... It was ...Forever!


Swath... You ok... Preeta asked me.
"Hmm... I don't know... It's just I can't forget him. I try every day Preeta, but I fail. I dont know how to handle Dad his impulsive nature... And this unhappyness in heart... Ufff... I should have never loved him this deep... I never had sex...I fear men... I fear to be married... I fear to think about kids... I just fear everything...I check mobile in every 5 mint... But he never called me once ...atleast to ask how I'm?"

"Leave him.. Dump him... Find someone else... Don't loose yourself yar. " she said as she dont know how to console me.
I was blank to answer her.

The darkness of night... It wrapped me... Every night I sit and see sky, star, moon... Every morning...birds, sky, sun...and think and think only about Sagen... I couldn't breathe...I get short tempered in silly things, I think of dead... Afterlife... I forgot prayers.... I hardly visit temple and if I visit ...i cry out in pain.... I cry and cry...untill... My eyes...burn in pain.... I dont remember my period date... I hate Dad... I love dad... I care him...i just live alive...but...dead within... Dad was ill and his anger in every thing just made me to kill myself many times.
One night I called ... Sagen....called many time... Msged him in madness. Emailed him like I have lost my mind!

Next morning...
" it's over. Don't irritate and stop calling me. " he said. I heard it as I was dead already.
I broke down in tears...
I said..." I'm begging you... Sagen.. Don't do... ".
He said... "It's over. I cannot tolerate you any more. It's better we go in different ways. Anyhow I will be switching my job place... May be outside of this country".
I felt I'm talking with complete stranger.
"I dont have time or commitment for you. So... It's over. Goodbye. Plz, stop calling and msg. Good if you forget me".

I felt my heart is no more placed in my body.
"I give you this promise." I said to myself.... I will never call you or msg you...whatever it takes!

I cried... I felt sad... Slowly I felt anger... All over... I was depressed.
I left music. I left reading. I left paints.
I go college did with exams. My internship... I cracked....Got a job. Salary of 10k....

In 10 k had to look after everything as Dad was ill.

Only Preeta held my hand. Saw me in pain. Cried.
And once twice thrice .... I tried to commit suicide.... But failed just like my relation with Sagen.

One day I couldn't take my breath... Depression went through my whole body.
My dad understood it. He held my hand... Calmed me ... Asked me many times... I said nothing.
He thought I'm depressed due to not completing Masters.
Poor Dad...he wished always my good!
He too was sad. Unhappy. My home turned ugly. I dont cook. I prepare something for dad and leave home without food.

At school being a teacher... I was aggressive. I was helpless. All in all... I hate Sagen... But I wouldn't able to remove him. All kids looked at me as a mess. Teachers used to keep me telling do this, do that.... But All I wished was... Kill this Sagen from my memory!

Months and months turned over.... I tried to be normal with people but sad and depressed within.

To forget Sagen, I tried everything. But I couldn't. His hurt was deep.

I blocked him from FB...
I unblock and see him...
Again block him.

Years passed into two...

Still, you miss him... Swath... Preeta asked...
Yes... Every day he haunts me in my dream. I take his name as I get up...I forgot his to wash my skin... In my mind...its Sagen...in my heart...his given... pain... I wish I would have killed him and myself.
Preeta, do whatever...but never give your heart to anybody.... Because they break it and you will be left to wait for dead".

"Oh God... Plz.... You have to be strong and you are... " she tried to console in her possibleway.

"Plz, Preeta stop saying this... You know ...all im hearing this that im strong...looking after her dad... Home...earning.....ufff....
I'm mad.
I need to fill hate for Sagen so that I can live.".
She looked sad at me and clueless.

I kept aloof myself.
Whenever any boy talks to me... I feel it's only for sex...
I hate all... I hate my self... I hate ...and hate...
Boys text me hi... And I block them... If someone try to be frank... I shout on them...
I was so sad that ... I can't take help from my neighborhood... I reject people over hate.
I cut out all. I cut out friends. I was cut out from the world...

Sleep less night... Food less body... Turned up with a messy women at early age!
I was still in the cage of Mr. Hitler!

Marriage proposal came popping up... I reject them or destiny rejects them, thankful to horoscope matchmaking system!
In my mess... Sagen was a permanent mark... I missed him... Loved him...hate him... Uff this Sagen virus!
© Saranya Anish Nair