I'm supposed to forgive myself. I'm supposed to be strong and feel proud. I'm supposed to get back into therapy and open up to a complete stranger about what I'm feeling without sounding crazy or unstable. I'm supposed to forgive you and believe that there will be healing and light in my future. I'm supposed to accept the person I loved wasn't real. I'm supposed to be gentle with myself through all of this chaos and pain AND I'm supposed to get out of bed before Sunday. Take a shower and maybe eat so I could put on the best face for my kids. I was in a war zone for your approval and hoping and at times praying you'd give me the ONLY two things I ever asked of you..... Kindness and Respect.
What I got was a punishment for the self hatred you have for yourself. I know it took two of us but only God knows my intentions were beautiful. You took me for granted and I take responsibility for denying your constant need to hurt me. I blamed myself, the weather I even blamed the shows I watched for your moodswings. I felt ashamed when I was gaining weight and my hair started turning gray. I was embarrassed when you would come over smelling like a fresh crisp forest and I was still in the last clothes you saw me in wreaking of the night sweats and all the meals I cooked for my kids. You had how many haircuts? I couldn't even make eye contact with people because I knew they'd see the pain I was in. So now it's me alone isolated from the world and the disaster that F5 left behind is freaking scary.....Tell me.. What mess do you have to clean?
@willow8
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