Have you ever blocked something out from your memory so good, that you never believe it happened until one day, out of nowhere something reminded you of it, making your skin crawl, almost throw your breakfast up, and out of desperation, your mind wandered to that part, where everything was just a lie, no it didn’t happen, not to you of all people, because you don’t deserve it, you don’t deserve it to happen, you don’t deserve to be haunted by memories you’ve tried so hard to bury,  you buried it so deep that led you to believe that it was untrue but then it is, one day will come, where your fantasy and reality will collide, you will learn to separate which are truth and lies, and then, you’ll just break down and cry, your face buried on top of your knees, arms trying so hard to embrace your fragile body, fearing it’ll break with the number of sobs that uncontrollably rocked your body and for a moment you wish it will break you. But then it didn’t. 
Tears stopped falling, eventually. Feelings subsided; you regained the control, that same control that was the main reason you’re still here. Something in you switched it off, that awful feeling and you get back to normal, the normal you know, the normal that you can live with.
The amazing part was if it was—you lived among them, just like them. You eat, sleep, get up, go to work, get home, eat, and sleep like any normal person does every single day.
You laugh, cry, get sad, get angry, mourn, and seek love as anyone does.
You were just like everyone else.
But then you’re not.
On most days you wish there was someone beside you, maybe it’ll lessen the pain, and maybe you’ll get through it. Maybe, a lot of maybe’s. But then on most days too, you can’t let it happen, for someone to be there, because it’ll hurt more when they leave, you know one day they will, it always happens every time, no more heartbreak, you can only take so much.
You perfectly know you’ll doubt them, if they care like they said they do, you always will. Not because they’re insincere, but because you’re insecure. And they’ll get annoyed, when you ask them if you mean it because you always need reassurance, and it gets tiring every day, because you push them away, but want them back each time. Maybe they think you want that? You hope next time they’ll think about it again before thinking otherwise.
Because you always think you’re replaceable, forgettable. No one wants a troubled one. Some say they do, but not all the time. When things get rough, the only way is out.
Walking away is not easy.
 But then, it’s easier.





© euphemia