The next morning I got up at the usual time got my coffee when I got to the front porch
morning Jay. Jane what are you doing here this time a morning I ask her. She was sitting on the edge of the porch swinging her legs like we did when we were upset as kids.
Oh snap what's wrong, why you think something wrong she asked. I was just thinking about those changes you were talking about I can't get'em off my mind.
See this is what I'm talking about we were just hanging, and some just don't fit. I found myself calling other women bitches saying things like motherf.....er even when I was talking to myself. I was fighting with my daughter but Jane when we had a knock down drag out I heard me say to her.....
( bitch I'll fuck you up. ) Jane that's my baby
and I told her that. I am her mother better yet umm, her ma... Jane something is wrong.
I don't claim to be a lady although I don't know what the hell a lady is and I ain't no Sunday school teacher either but I am a woman.
And the Lord chastised me for that Jane....
( bitch I'll fuck you up.) Jane I can hear him just as plain as day say, listen at what you just said.
Look at what's going on in your house, that's when I started being by myself. Things started to get better but Jane....
If you let satan ride that sapsucker will drive.
No matter how I looked at it it was all my fault cause I know better. Somethings are just not for me.... I heard all the comments, I think I'm better than others, I need to humble myself, my ego is too big. And everywhere I go everything I say there is somebody that make it offensive no matter how I meant it.. So I just started being by myself. My entire family is ripped apart for things I said most things what I said was taken in the wrong way because it's what they thought I meant not what I meant.
I have never felt so much distance in my life, any words that come out of my mouth is meant to be offensive made by others because that's how they want me to be.
I found myself not wanting to do anything with anybody not even talk.
All I want to do is collect myself correct myself and most of all renew the connection that I know that I have with the Lord.
Jane I can't do it like this No I'm not giving up but I need time to become me again and
when I regroup and make my house into a home I'll come back.
But Jane I need you to understand that ok...
No I'm not mad, I not hurting, but this is not me. I know that some people just can't get alone but I need time and time for home.
See I'm too wrapped up in other things until my house is not a home....oh yeah...
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...


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