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SLASHER-FILES: The Killer Crone of Slatsville
SLATSVILLE BULLETIN
Officers swarmed local eatery Gutsy Gary's early Saturday morning in response to a 911 call from the popular doughnut shop. The call gave responders only a garbled mess of screams of agony and muffled cries for help, and 911 operators and police have yet to identify any of the voices, or any of the remains.
First to arrive as always, Sergeant Dane Gribbits pulled his patrol car to a halt outside the scene just moments after the call. Due to the unknown nature of the crime, and the ominous 911 call, officers were advised not to enter the building alone. However Gribbits inexplicably entered by himself before any backup arrived.
Witnesses say the career officer appeared dazed as he stumbled over the frozen stone steps towards the entrance, as if compelled by some unseen force. According to local trash can painter and professional underwater basket weaver Beatrix Flagweevil, she attempted to warn Gribbits but was unable.
"I shouted at him, you see! I yelled not to go into Gutsy Gary's but he acted like he couldn't hear me! Damn it all, you'd think he'd have enough sense to stay out of there, with all the blood and guts paintin' the big windows!" commented Flagweevil, who had been painting little yellow dog-like fetuses on the side of a rusty alleyway bin when she'd heard noises coming from the popular bakery. "It was horrible! Sounded like a whole herd o' hogs gettin' tossed into a big fiery meat grindin' oven, alive! 'Cept worse, cause with people. People bleed much louder than hogs."
Once inside, Gribbits was allegedly apprehended and killed by an unknown assailant who is still at large. Little is known about the mysterious attacker, but bodycam footage recovered from Dabble's remains is rumored to have somehow surfaced on a local blog from some anonymous leaker and has thus inspired a tidal wave of morbid hear-say to wash over the town.
Residents speak of a sadistic, murderous, even demonic killer who is said to resemble an elderly woman. Many who claim to have seen the body cam footage tell of mutilation and crimes against the human body, the caliber of which typically regarded as the stuff of bad dreams and late night horror flicks.
The Slatsville Bulletin has reached out to Slatsville Police for further comment and has been so far met with silence. But, during a brief press conference Police Chief Ricky Sparkles offered these words when questioned by our reporters:
"Listen! There is no crazy old lady killing people!" shouted Chief Sparkles through mouthfuls of notably convenience store jellied donut. "She did not mutilate our finest officer and film it all purposely on his body cam so we'd have to watch. She did not then bake Sergeant Dabble's remains into a batch of doughnuts and use his pulverized innards as filling. And she's not threatening me in emails and voicemails to castrate me and replace my genitals with my eyes and tongue! These claims are just ridiculous, delusional!"
We pressed the chief for comment on the details he had just revealed about the crime, albeit while at the same time denying them; but the chief only frowned, mumbled some remark about how gas station doughnuts never hit the spot, and rushed home in an evident hurry.
The Mayor of Slatsville, Carolyn Crungles the Fifth, advised the populace that everything was fine and great, and added that her total confidence in this assertion had absolutely nothing at all whatsoever to do with the large, burly man holding a gun to her head.
Who is the mysterious killer? Who is the burly man? Where else can a concerned citizen get a quality jelly doughnut now that Gutsy Gary's is a murder scene? Perhaps we'll never know, but all God-fearing citizens of Slatsville can rest assured that we here at the bulletin will keep you informed on what matters most.
UPDATED 4:55 PM
An anonymous tip to the Bulletin reports that Police Chief Ricky Sparkles was found murdered in his home earlier this afternoon.
UPDATED 5:32 PM
Slatsville Police have released an official memo that claims the beloved chief died of completely natural causes, and that the officers and paramedics fleeing the scene and projectile vomiting onto the sidewalk is a totally normal reaction to finding someone who died in their sleep.
The Mayor's office did not respond to our requests for comment.
(END ARTICLE)
© S. Farglebopp
#horror #fiction #fauxnews #article #slasher #gore #shortstory #spooky #writer
Officers swarmed local eatery Gutsy Gary's early Saturday morning in response to a 911 call from the popular doughnut shop. The call gave responders only a garbled mess of screams of agony and muffled cries for help, and 911 operators and police have yet to identify any of the voices, or any of the remains.
First to arrive as always, Sergeant Dane Gribbits pulled his patrol car to a halt outside the scene just moments after the call. Due to the unknown nature of the crime, and the ominous 911 call, officers were advised not to enter the building alone. However Gribbits inexplicably entered by himself before any backup arrived.
Witnesses say the career officer appeared dazed as he stumbled over the frozen stone steps towards the entrance, as if compelled by some unseen force. According to local trash can painter and professional underwater basket weaver Beatrix Flagweevil, she attempted to warn Gribbits but was unable.
"I shouted at him, you see! I yelled not to go into Gutsy Gary's but he acted like he couldn't hear me! Damn it all, you'd think he'd have enough sense to stay out of there, with all the blood and guts paintin' the big windows!" commented Flagweevil, who had been painting little yellow dog-like fetuses on the side of a rusty alleyway bin when she'd heard noises coming from the popular bakery. "It was horrible! Sounded like a whole herd o' hogs gettin' tossed into a big fiery meat grindin' oven, alive! 'Cept worse, cause with people. People bleed much louder than hogs."
Once inside, Gribbits was allegedly apprehended and killed by an unknown assailant who is still at large. Little is known about the mysterious attacker, but bodycam footage recovered from Dabble's remains is rumored to have somehow surfaced on a local blog from some anonymous leaker and has thus inspired a tidal wave of morbid hear-say to wash over the town.
Residents speak of a sadistic, murderous, even demonic killer who is said to resemble an elderly woman. Many who claim to have seen the body cam footage tell of mutilation and crimes against the human body, the caliber of which typically regarded as the stuff of bad dreams and late night horror flicks.
The Slatsville Bulletin has reached out to Slatsville Police for further comment and has been so far met with silence. But, during a brief press conference Police Chief Ricky Sparkles offered these words when questioned by our reporters:
"Listen! There is no crazy old lady killing people!" shouted Chief Sparkles through mouthfuls of notably convenience store jellied donut. "She did not mutilate our finest officer and film it all purposely on his body cam so we'd have to watch. She did not then bake Sergeant Dabble's remains into a batch of doughnuts and use his pulverized innards as filling. And she's not threatening me in emails and voicemails to castrate me and replace my genitals with my eyes and tongue! These claims are just ridiculous, delusional!"
We pressed the chief for comment on the details he had just revealed about the crime, albeit while at the same time denying them; but the chief only frowned, mumbled some remark about how gas station doughnuts never hit the spot, and rushed home in an evident hurry.
The Mayor of Slatsville, Carolyn Crungles the Fifth, advised the populace that everything was fine and great, and added that her total confidence in this assertion had absolutely nothing at all whatsoever to do with the large, burly man holding a gun to her head.
Who is the mysterious killer? Who is the burly man? Where else can a concerned citizen get a quality jelly doughnut now that Gutsy Gary's is a murder scene? Perhaps we'll never know, but all God-fearing citizens of Slatsville can rest assured that we here at the bulletin will keep you informed on what matters most.
UPDATED 4:55 PM
An anonymous tip to the Bulletin reports that Police Chief Ricky Sparkles was found murdered in his home earlier this afternoon.
UPDATED 5:32 PM
Slatsville Police have released an official memo that claims the beloved chief died of completely natural causes, and that the officers and paramedics fleeing the scene and projectile vomiting onto the sidewalk is a totally normal reaction to finding someone who died in their sleep.
The Mayor's office did not respond to our requests for comment.
(END ARTICLE)
© S. Farglebopp
#horror #fiction #fauxnews #article #slasher #gore #shortstory #spooky #writer
