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species is over
I'm actually in the process of transitioning into a shark.
A male. I'm not going to be all dramatic and unnecessary by being a "they'' shark or anything. None of this, "species is over!" Nonsense.
I'm taking shark hormone pills to grow guills. Guills? What's that "u" doing there?
That must be my Canadian instinct. I'm taking shark hormone pills to grow gills.
I got them from some doctor.
I don't know if he's "legally" a doctor, but he told me he was, and someone's word is a verbal diploma as far as I'm concerned.
He also told me not to overthink. Just take the pills. They are definitely not birth control.
And I believe him.
I took a baby stopper pill in business class once in high school.
Got me no gills.
I hope to be a full shark by next year. So, if you all could start acknowledging me as a shark instead of a human, please.
First thing I'm doing when I'm a full shark? I'm murdering every turtle I see like a fucking sea serial killer.
For no reason other than they're gross turtles.
Then, I will intimidate the shit out of any octopus I come across. I assume the ocean is like prison, so I'll be the new guy. I'll need to show I'm not to be fucked around with.
Step 1: I'm a fucking shark.
Step 2: murder the turtles.
Step 3: get in an octopus' face.
I'll swell up on him, "what's up, bitch? Huh? Oh, what's that? You're throwing on me? With your little testicles on your arms? Cute. I'm a fucking shark, bud! I have skin like sand paper, and no bones. Plus I never sleep, and you do. I will kill you where you float, all right? So listen up! The bluer water, you see over there, that's shark land. You stay the fuck out of there, you hear me? I will cornhole you. Well, I'm a new shark, I'm not sure if sharks are into cornholing. I'll need to check with the other sharks, but I will bite every leg you have off and murder your kids. I have been here 13 minutes, and I've already killed. Who? Oh, just some turtle. He was looking too much like a turtle, and we ended up having a problem. So, you stay in your little area, I'll leave you be. Don't fuck with me! I'm a shark! Confused, are you? Don't know how I'm speaking? I used to be a fucking human, all right? I was in prison for killing a hotdog vendor who asked me if I wanted a drink. Then, some prison experiments helped me transition, now I'm a shark. No big story. I'm watching you, motherfucker.''
see you all in the ocean.
© All Rights Reserved
A male. I'm not going to be all dramatic and unnecessary by being a "they'' shark or anything. None of this, "species is over!" Nonsense.
I'm taking shark hormone pills to grow guills. Guills? What's that "u" doing there?
That must be my Canadian instinct. I'm taking shark hormone pills to grow gills.
I got them from some doctor.
I don't know if he's "legally" a doctor, but he told me he was, and someone's word is a verbal diploma as far as I'm concerned.
He also told me not to overthink. Just take the pills. They are definitely not birth control.
And I believe him.
I took a baby stopper pill in business class once in high school.
Got me no gills.
I hope to be a full shark by next year. So, if you all could start acknowledging me as a shark instead of a human, please.
First thing I'm doing when I'm a full shark? I'm murdering every turtle I see like a fucking sea serial killer.
For no reason other than they're gross turtles.
Then, I will intimidate the shit out of any octopus I come across. I assume the ocean is like prison, so I'll be the new guy. I'll need to show I'm not to be fucked around with.
Step 1: I'm a fucking shark.
Step 2: murder the turtles.
Step 3: get in an octopus' face.
I'll swell up on him, "what's up, bitch? Huh? Oh, what's that? You're throwing on me? With your little testicles on your arms? Cute. I'm a fucking shark, bud! I have skin like sand paper, and no bones. Plus I never sleep, and you do. I will kill you where you float, all right? So listen up! The bluer water, you see over there, that's shark land. You stay the fuck out of there, you hear me? I will cornhole you. Well, I'm a new shark, I'm not sure if sharks are into cornholing. I'll need to check with the other sharks, but I will bite every leg you have off and murder your kids. I have been here 13 minutes, and I've already killed. Who? Oh, just some turtle. He was looking too much like a turtle, and we ended up having a problem. So, you stay in your little area, I'll leave you be. Don't fuck with me! I'm a shark! Confused, are you? Don't know how I'm speaking? I used to be a fucking human, all right? I was in prison for killing a hotdog vendor who asked me if I wanted a drink. Then, some prison experiments helped me transition, now I'm a shark. No big story. I'm watching you, motherfucker.''
see you all in the ocean.
© All Rights Reserved
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