22 views
Diary of a lost girl novel part 1
July 12, 1992
What a dream! I can do the assosiation thing and see some connection but the symbolism was wonderful! I can only remember bits and pieces - there was a huge dark storm, tornado, approaching the house I was in with several others - a house similar to the one on 51st here. The storm and funnel were fast approaching I conquered it by commanding all evil gone from that place in the name of Jesus. There was a lady dressed in witch-like attire yelling at me not to say that and reaching at me. I'd had my eyes closed and saw her when I opened them.
Then someone said, "what's that?" Suddenly there was a tube of brilliant light outside the windows. The tube was glowing and spinning, I was trying to close the front door against the strong storm winds, after dragging a frozen cat into the house. I could close and lock the door but then the wind would blow it open because the lock had not fully caught. Then a strong man was at my left side, slightly behind me. I couldn't see his face, but he pushed with me. I noticed together it was easy to close and lock the door.
I know there were more facets to the dream but they're blurred. THis dream so powerfully shows me my father's precense in my life - and that I'm not alone - and that together there is strength and that He will protect me from that storm!
Praise God!
I still feel lonely and confused as to the direction my life is to take. However, I am feeling stronger more often.
July 15, 1992
I'm sitting in Java Jive and have ordered my half-price chicken pot pie dinner.
It really all is going to be okay - Correction! - It really is ok! I saw Mr. Dan Stock this morning and he paraphrased everything I told him. Hell, I'm doing lots to look after and improve me! He pointed out that I did NOT fall apart after Roger left.
In fact, I've blossomed!
I don't need a man to validate me! I have friends.
I can be with a man quite comfortably when they don't want sex - ie, Gorden and Brian.
I'm ok.
I must start to meditate and my "mantra" will be Jesus!
This is fun. I wonder if keeping a journal differs in any way with keeping a diary. Probably not - just a more mature phrase. And there are "courses" for keeping one, for Pete's sake! Just realized the reference to off Peter! How.
Last night between midnight and 3:00 A.M, I found out I'm an ENFP on the Bryers Briggs type indicater. And I feel closer to realizing the dream of becoming in one way or another, a counseller! The VEISA sure points that way. This whole tie is so exciting! I no longer feel guilty in just being, or relaxing, or looking after ME!
As Mr. VS pointed out, I'm throwing out old "stuff", ie, donut and garage sale! And if I want to move, I can and if Roger misinterprets that, I'm not responsible for how he feels! And I do need to be honest with him and let him know I'm not ready for marriage yet and I'm not responsible for his reaction. His stuff has conditioned him.
July 28, 1992
So, I finally had a phone call from the Great West Life Inc Co and spoke to Frankie someone. She said they only recieved my apllication YESTERDAY!! Damn that Cheryl. She's been trying to control me. Because I did not phone her as she TOLD me to, she withheld my application for benefits!!!
I am so angry!
I spoke to Lora today and she told me about Cheryl LYING at the Hearing for Discovery! They will stoop to ANY level to stay on top.
That was written while having a 1/2 price dinner at Java Jive! I'm now at the U of A farm.
The sun is waring a cacaphony of sounds from the birds, gas pools are pushing into 4 balloons above me, luge humming around me, cows lounging beside me. I'm truly blessed to be in God's creation
I've just spoken to Don he says yes, come - to Vancouver for Jesus in Motion! With him and Gordon.
Also Jane says my aptitude tests came out "very strong."
But the best part was helping Linda by giving her the relinquishing notes. And she affirmed how much I put her instantly at ease at the Ultreya even though we were strangers.
Good day!
Thank you, God!
August 2, 1992
The March for Jesus
Vancouver, B.C
Plaza of Nations
What a fabulous day!! Hot, sunny, clear. I stood up, sang and marched for my Saviour! I'm exhausted!
The trip here was truly a wonderful and educational experience! Dom is so wise and we spoke of relationships, children, religions, the other and generally shared fairly deeply. My feelings for Gordon are varied and muted. Dom helped when he told me Gordon has not yet fully dealt with the failure of his marriage and really doesn't know what he wants. I really don't know if I want to share with him anymore. Why am I always attracted to the losers? I'm so ambivalent about him but it's probably because I've had so little sleep!!
But, to the more important and real reason for this trip. Praise God - and we DID. It was good to be with Barb and Deb. And I met Hendy Macdonald who is a close friend of Pat. The singing of the songs of Graham Kendrick was so powerful!! It was really necessary to focus, think and concentrate on the Holy Trinity. I feel so surrounded by the Trinity. I'm feeling confused about my emotions, but VERY SURE about my spiritual self!
The trip home should be a sharing experience, too.
August 27, 1992
I feel like I'm on the bottom again. If I try to think of all the problems facing me and which have to be dealt with, I feel truly overwhelmed.
Speaking with Jane on Tuesday about my family situation seemed to help for a short time. Even all, it still is uppermast in my mind. I'd love to speak to Lucy and David from tje level I have reached in my emotional growth and healing. But they'd never relate and would see me as strange. I feel sad that there can be no relating. I feel, too, that this is a spirtual struggle between us. As Roger said, they truly appear to be evil and so greedy but blind to anything but their own desires. Poor Dad certainly has reaped what he has sown. He has a mean and self-centered woman doing to him what he did to Mom and all of us. I feel sad for him and strangely no sense of gratification at his discomfort.
When the three of us get together, it seems Lucy and Dave are in 5 year or 8 year old mode. They behave in a power struggle pattern. I could see this so clearly this time! And I've just been blown away by the mail - Reg Oss jas paid me for August..Why?
Back to the family...or lack thereof. Dave seemed to be not too bad until we all were in Ottawa together. Then when Lucy attacked me, both Dave and Allen fell into their child rolls and accepted the old programming of "Noreen and Lucy always fight." Even thought I didn't participate in the screaming and accousing, they only saw the past in our childhood years. So sad.
I feel very sad. Sad, because I don't see us even being able to relate. Sad, because I truly have no family. Sad, because we have nothing in common. I feel sad for me, now, too. Has "Bab's" programming being included in my thinking right now? I dont think I'll be a lonely old woman...
Do proceed, it's interesting to follow along Jane's thought that what I feel entitled to is what my family felt and l've held on to that. Dave was in the entitled position of being the son - : success was expected. I was told I had to go out and earn a living "to support the family" in case Dad was let go from the Army (he stayed in for 15 more years) I wanted to be a teacher.
Deja me!
I married a man and kept working throughout the marriage "to support the family" - back when the man was, and was, not working! How fascinating.
So, going to see "the family" has subconsciuosly thrown me back into the role of less entitled.
What a clear day! Blue blue skies, brilliant sunshine, one poofy cloud - and a Blue Jay!
So, when I learned of my well-above average I.Q I was trying hard to accept it as being really me (but never quite doing so), it was easier to accept the old programming and fall into the old patterns. I suppose that's less threatening both to myself and those around me - who will all try to keep me there. It will take enormous strength to break free!
The "Hime sweater" and the old red jacket are prime examples of my family's inability to see MEEE!! Or their not wanting to see me. What happened to what Dave experienced with me and learned about me last August when the transmission went and couldn't anyone but Roger - an outsider and I see what I was not participating in the back hitting and fight? They don't want to see. How.
So, I still don't feel any happier about it all. Roger figures they want me to wear old, pearly sewn, no-one-else-wants-it stuff as a way of keeping me looking less than they see themselves. I agree, but in a way they want to keep the childhood myths alive.
Still sad, though. So, do I want to maintain contact? Yes.
Closely? No.
Spend more money on trips back there? No.
Send gifts? No.
Send cards? Yes.
Phone? No.
An how I wish I could make them see - there are none so blind as these who will not see.
I have made another choice/decision I want never to become materialistic like the family I have in Ottawa and Montreal who seem to be that way to compensate in the only way they know how for what they subconsciously know to be lacking within themselves. But then, am I deying my own material success because I don't want to be like them? And I equate one with the other? Is that why I have such a strong desire to rid mtself of all I have - even my job and car? How far can I take this?
August 28, 1992
Dream
Bag of flour with hole in it when buying it at the check-out -- tried to exchange it but no more left - only huge bags of flour or smaller bags of grain. Kept one with hole in it!
3 rats - attacking - turned one inside out and it seemed dead but came back to life.
August 30, 1992
Dream
- Lost my full contents of my wallet; stolen; empty wallet left in purse. No one cared.
- Couldn't make appointment on time to see specialist for kidneys - early, then late.
- Locked doors at the end of every hall in the Dr's building - had to have some one else open them.
- Elevator door was closing on me - happy couple fooling around held doors open - but not for me.
- Ended up at dentist's office instead of specialist
- Dumb receptionist could not get my name right
- Other Dr receptionist only interested in newspaper shopping bargains - not in my medical problem.
Tried hard to remember type of cards in my wallet but was panicking that I couldn't but no one saw the seriousness.
September 5, 1992
I'm at Sawkap farm. It's 1:00 A.M - we've just watched a hilarious movie (Pure Luck), Roger phoned and I'm so tired I'm light headed.
God IS working in my life! I see the other trying to hammer me to the point that I'll run - not only from here, but to Roger! Dom has so wisely told me what unequally yoked team really means - my own conclusion given back to me. Speaking to Lois reaffirmed that. Boy, we really DO need our Christian Community! As soon as I left Edmonton's city limits, I felt relief. Barry pointed out that Al Pac probably could offer me a position. Also, I could build here! Hmmm.
God is showing me that there are good Christan men in the world and I know a few of them quite well now!
I am blessed and I must daily thank my Father in Heaven Who calls me Daughter!
Thank you, Father!
September 6, 1992
Revelations!
Lois and I walked and talked today and I've been learning a lot from the dialogue.
September 14, 1992
Because I don't feel I am deserving, or entitled to better, I feel Roger is all I can expect - not what I really want, but all I deserve.
After Circle Square Ranch I also feel the other is still pushing but with a twist. Tonight Roger told me of all the night courses he's going to take and boy do I feel threatened! Like Bab did, sort of, when I wanted to go to University - he may find someone else. I'm sure not secure in this relationship, am I?
September 15, 1992
Another revelation. After realizing the threat of Roger taking courses, I get in touch with "why" while I was walking on the university farm today.
I really do not believe any man can be faithful - or is trustworthy. I mascillated between wanting to break up with Roger over my strong feelings of doubt, - and thinking it's up to him to BE faithful NOT for me to KEEP him that way. If he cannot be true to our relationship in light of all the temptations the world has to offer, isn't it better I know now? And, how does Roger feel when I tell him about all the activities I'm involved in - not without male participation?
Also very clean to me is that, I suppose because of all my past experiences, I see men to constantly be on the make, or looking for situations of infidelity. How, if I can seperate my emotion from my logic, OR right from left, does the same hold true for women? Hell, of course not. Why do I see the two so differently? Mom was faithful, so was I. But I was let down, so many times!
Another learning about me. I'm even afraid of "how it will look" in the privacy of my own home! Should I watch a new sitcom, or the Journal - I almost couldn't watch the comedy because it was more proper to watch the news! (For Pete's sake!)
September 19, 1992
Here I am - sitting on a park bench (Michael) in the Mt Pleasant cemetery; magpies arguing and a cacaphone of other bird songs, cars, horns celebrating wedding, rustle of dried leaves on the trees in the wind, hammering repairs at a nearby house, planes flying along the flight path overhead, children talking, trucks, shill screams of children talking and playing, trucks, more wedding horns, wind in my ears, papers blowing, my own breathing, swallowing, heart beating.
God is Alive
God Loves
Me
Because God loves ME
I am rich
I am strong
I am healthy
I am.
So, why am I feeling - yesterday and today - so lonely and depressed?
Hell;
1. My period is 3 days away
2. I am living alone
3. My income is not yet secure
4. My insurance is not cleared up
5. My support community is lacking
6. My bladder is malfunctioning
7. Because of lack of I must move, I dont eat right, I'm stuck, I cannot go to school.
So, what am I going to do about all this?
Find a good lawyer (Roger), find a good man, move to a cheaper place, find a good job, contact all my contacts, get involved with good people, go to a naturopath (Dr. P), drink lots of cranberry juice, take control of my life and responsibility for it and STOP being a VICTIM!
What a dream! I can do the assosiation thing and see some connection but the symbolism was wonderful! I can only remember bits and pieces - there was a huge dark storm, tornado, approaching the house I was in with several others - a house similar to the one on 51st here. The storm and funnel were fast approaching I conquered it by commanding all evil gone from that place in the name of Jesus. There was a lady dressed in witch-like attire yelling at me not to say that and reaching at me. I'd had my eyes closed and saw her when I opened them.
Then someone said, "what's that?" Suddenly there was a tube of brilliant light outside the windows. The tube was glowing and spinning, I was trying to close the front door against the strong storm winds, after dragging a frozen cat into the house. I could close and lock the door but then the wind would blow it open because the lock had not fully caught. Then a strong man was at my left side, slightly behind me. I couldn't see his face, but he pushed with me. I noticed together it was easy to close and lock the door.
I know there were more facets to the dream but they're blurred. THis dream so powerfully shows me my father's precense in my life - and that I'm not alone - and that together there is strength and that He will protect me from that storm!
Praise God!
I still feel lonely and confused as to the direction my life is to take. However, I am feeling stronger more often.
July 15, 1992
I'm sitting in Java Jive and have ordered my half-price chicken pot pie dinner.
It really all is going to be okay - Correction! - It really is ok! I saw Mr. Dan Stock this morning and he paraphrased everything I told him. Hell, I'm doing lots to look after and improve me! He pointed out that I did NOT fall apart after Roger left.
In fact, I've blossomed!
I don't need a man to validate me! I have friends.
I can be with a man quite comfortably when they don't want sex - ie, Gorden and Brian.
I'm ok.
I must start to meditate and my "mantra" will be Jesus!
This is fun. I wonder if keeping a journal differs in any way with keeping a diary. Probably not - just a more mature phrase. And there are "courses" for keeping one, for Pete's sake! Just realized the reference to off Peter! How.
Last night between midnight and 3:00 A.M, I found out I'm an ENFP on the Bryers Briggs type indicater. And I feel closer to realizing the dream of becoming in one way or another, a counseller! The VEISA sure points that way. This whole tie is so exciting! I no longer feel guilty in just being, or relaxing, or looking after ME!
As Mr. VS pointed out, I'm throwing out old "stuff", ie, donut and garage sale! And if I want to move, I can and if Roger misinterprets that, I'm not responsible for how he feels! And I do need to be honest with him and let him know I'm not ready for marriage yet and I'm not responsible for his reaction. His stuff has conditioned him.
July 28, 1992
So, I finally had a phone call from the Great West Life Inc Co and spoke to Frankie someone. She said they only recieved my apllication YESTERDAY!! Damn that Cheryl. She's been trying to control me. Because I did not phone her as she TOLD me to, she withheld my application for benefits!!!
I am so angry!
I spoke to Lora today and she told me about Cheryl LYING at the Hearing for Discovery! They will stoop to ANY level to stay on top.
That was written while having a 1/2 price dinner at Java Jive! I'm now at the U of A farm.
The sun is waring a cacaphony of sounds from the birds, gas pools are pushing into 4 balloons above me, luge humming around me, cows lounging beside me. I'm truly blessed to be in God's creation
I've just spoken to Don he says yes, come - to Vancouver for Jesus in Motion! With him and Gordon.
Also Jane says my aptitude tests came out "very strong."
But the best part was helping Linda by giving her the relinquishing notes. And she affirmed how much I put her instantly at ease at the Ultreya even though we were strangers.
Good day!
Thank you, God!
August 2, 1992
The March for Jesus
Vancouver, B.C
Plaza of Nations
What a fabulous day!! Hot, sunny, clear. I stood up, sang and marched for my Saviour! I'm exhausted!
The trip here was truly a wonderful and educational experience! Dom is so wise and we spoke of relationships, children, religions, the other and generally shared fairly deeply. My feelings for Gordon are varied and muted. Dom helped when he told me Gordon has not yet fully dealt with the failure of his marriage and really doesn't know what he wants. I really don't know if I want to share with him anymore. Why am I always attracted to the losers? I'm so ambivalent about him but it's probably because I've had so little sleep!!
But, to the more important and real reason for this trip. Praise God - and we DID. It was good to be with Barb and Deb. And I met Hendy Macdonald who is a close friend of Pat. The singing of the songs of Graham Kendrick was so powerful!! It was really necessary to focus, think and concentrate on the Holy Trinity. I feel so surrounded by the Trinity. I'm feeling confused about my emotions, but VERY SURE about my spiritual self!
The trip home should be a sharing experience, too.
August 27, 1992
I feel like I'm on the bottom again. If I try to think of all the problems facing me and which have to be dealt with, I feel truly overwhelmed.
Speaking with Jane on Tuesday about my family situation seemed to help for a short time. Even all, it still is uppermast in my mind. I'd love to speak to Lucy and David from tje level I have reached in my emotional growth and healing. But they'd never relate and would see me as strange. I feel sad that there can be no relating. I feel, too, that this is a spirtual struggle between us. As Roger said, they truly appear to be evil and so greedy but blind to anything but their own desires. Poor Dad certainly has reaped what he has sown. He has a mean and self-centered woman doing to him what he did to Mom and all of us. I feel sad for him and strangely no sense of gratification at his discomfort.
When the three of us get together, it seems Lucy and Dave are in 5 year or 8 year old mode. They behave in a power struggle pattern. I could see this so clearly this time! And I've just been blown away by the mail - Reg Oss jas paid me for August..Why?
Back to the family...or lack thereof. Dave seemed to be not too bad until we all were in Ottawa together. Then when Lucy attacked me, both Dave and Allen fell into their child rolls and accepted the old programming of "Noreen and Lucy always fight." Even thought I didn't participate in the screaming and accousing, they only saw the past in our childhood years. So sad.
I feel very sad. Sad, because I don't see us even being able to relate. Sad, because I truly have no family. Sad, because we have nothing in common. I feel sad for me, now, too. Has "Bab's" programming being included in my thinking right now? I dont think I'll be a lonely old woman...
Do proceed, it's interesting to follow along Jane's thought that what I feel entitled to is what my family felt and l've held on to that. Dave was in the entitled position of being the son - : success was expected. I was told I had to go out and earn a living "to support the family" in case Dad was let go from the Army (he stayed in for 15 more years) I wanted to be a teacher.
Deja me!
I married a man and kept working throughout the marriage "to support the family" - back when the man was, and was, not working! How fascinating.
So, going to see "the family" has subconsciuosly thrown me back into the role of less entitled.
What a clear day! Blue blue skies, brilliant sunshine, one poofy cloud - and a Blue Jay!
So, when I learned of my well-above average I.Q I was trying hard to accept it as being really me (but never quite doing so), it was easier to accept the old programming and fall into the old patterns. I suppose that's less threatening both to myself and those around me - who will all try to keep me there. It will take enormous strength to break free!
The "Hime sweater" and the old red jacket are prime examples of my family's inability to see MEEE!! Or their not wanting to see me. What happened to what Dave experienced with me and learned about me last August when the transmission went and couldn't anyone but Roger - an outsider and I see what I was not participating in the back hitting and fight? They don't want to see. How.
So, I still don't feel any happier about it all. Roger figures they want me to wear old, pearly sewn, no-one-else-wants-it stuff as a way of keeping me looking less than they see themselves. I agree, but in a way they want to keep the childhood myths alive.
Still sad, though. So, do I want to maintain contact? Yes.
Closely? No.
Spend more money on trips back there? No.
Send gifts? No.
Send cards? Yes.
Phone? No.
An how I wish I could make them see - there are none so blind as these who will not see.
I have made another choice/decision I want never to become materialistic like the family I have in Ottawa and Montreal who seem to be that way to compensate in the only way they know how for what they subconsciously know to be lacking within themselves. But then, am I deying my own material success because I don't want to be like them? And I equate one with the other? Is that why I have such a strong desire to rid mtself of all I have - even my job and car? How far can I take this?
August 28, 1992
Dream
Bag of flour with hole in it when buying it at the check-out -- tried to exchange it but no more left - only huge bags of flour or smaller bags of grain. Kept one with hole in it!
3 rats - attacking - turned one inside out and it seemed dead but came back to life.
August 30, 1992
Dream
- Lost my full contents of my wallet; stolen; empty wallet left in purse. No one cared.
- Couldn't make appointment on time to see specialist for kidneys - early, then late.
- Locked doors at the end of every hall in the Dr's building - had to have some one else open them.
- Elevator door was closing on me - happy couple fooling around held doors open - but not for me.
- Ended up at dentist's office instead of specialist
- Dumb receptionist could not get my name right
- Other Dr receptionist only interested in newspaper shopping bargains - not in my medical problem.
Tried hard to remember type of cards in my wallet but was panicking that I couldn't but no one saw the seriousness.
September 5, 1992
I'm at Sawkap farm. It's 1:00 A.M - we've just watched a hilarious movie (Pure Luck), Roger phoned and I'm so tired I'm light headed.
God IS working in my life! I see the other trying to hammer me to the point that I'll run - not only from here, but to Roger! Dom has so wisely told me what unequally yoked team really means - my own conclusion given back to me. Speaking to Lois reaffirmed that. Boy, we really DO need our Christian Community! As soon as I left Edmonton's city limits, I felt relief. Barry pointed out that Al Pac probably could offer me a position. Also, I could build here! Hmmm.
God is showing me that there are good Christan men in the world and I know a few of them quite well now!
I am blessed and I must daily thank my Father in Heaven Who calls me Daughter!
Thank you, Father!
September 6, 1992
Revelations!
Lois and I walked and talked today and I've been learning a lot from the dialogue.
September 14, 1992
Because I don't feel I am deserving, or entitled to better, I feel Roger is all I can expect - not what I really want, but all I deserve.
After Circle Square Ranch I also feel the other is still pushing but with a twist. Tonight Roger told me of all the night courses he's going to take and boy do I feel threatened! Like Bab did, sort of, when I wanted to go to University - he may find someone else. I'm sure not secure in this relationship, am I?
September 15, 1992
Another revelation. After realizing the threat of Roger taking courses, I get in touch with "why" while I was walking on the university farm today.
I really do not believe any man can be faithful - or is trustworthy. I mascillated between wanting to break up with Roger over my strong feelings of doubt, - and thinking it's up to him to BE faithful NOT for me to KEEP him that way. If he cannot be true to our relationship in light of all the temptations the world has to offer, isn't it better I know now? And, how does Roger feel when I tell him about all the activities I'm involved in - not without male participation?
Also very clean to me is that, I suppose because of all my past experiences, I see men to constantly be on the make, or looking for situations of infidelity. How, if I can seperate my emotion from my logic, OR right from left, does the same hold true for women? Hell, of course not. Why do I see the two so differently? Mom was faithful, so was I. But I was let down, so many times!
Another learning about me. I'm even afraid of "how it will look" in the privacy of my own home! Should I watch a new sitcom, or the Journal - I almost couldn't watch the comedy because it was more proper to watch the news! (For Pete's sake!)
September 19, 1992
Here I am - sitting on a park bench (Michael) in the Mt Pleasant cemetery; magpies arguing and a cacaphone of other bird songs, cars, horns celebrating wedding, rustle of dried leaves on the trees in the wind, hammering repairs at a nearby house, planes flying along the flight path overhead, children talking, trucks, shill screams of children talking and playing, trucks, more wedding horns, wind in my ears, papers blowing, my own breathing, swallowing, heart beating.
God is Alive
God Loves
Me
Because God loves ME
I am rich
I am strong
I am healthy
I am.
So, why am I feeling - yesterday and today - so lonely and depressed?
Hell;
1. My period is 3 days away
2. I am living alone
3. My income is not yet secure
4. My insurance is not cleared up
5. My support community is lacking
6. My bladder is malfunctioning
7. Because of lack of I must move, I dont eat right, I'm stuck, I cannot go to school.
So, what am I going to do about all this?
Find a good lawyer (Roger), find a good man, move to a cheaper place, find a good job, contact all my contacts, get involved with good people, go to a naturopath (Dr. P), drink lots of cranberry juice, take control of my life and responsibility for it and STOP being a VICTIM!
