What should I do?

What do you mean?

What I meant is, how can we heal.

Heal from what, our past trauma?

Yes, heal from our past trauma.

Going to counseling, they should help us.

We tried four times, they only change the subject or just laugh at us. They won't even help us.

Talk to a family member about our trauma.

I have tried, but none of them wants to listen.

Talk to a friend about our trauma.

I don't have anyone that would understand our pain and suffering from a very long time ago.

You can talk to me about it.

I can't do that.

Why not?

Because you are me. I always talk to you and I don't get anywhere.

Yes that's true, but we need to figure out how to heal together.

That's why I asked "what should I do?" I don't have anyone else to actually talk to without anyone getting mad or ignoring us when I do try. I feel so alone in this world that only people wants to hurt others. I guess I'll go. Nothing else I can do for us.

Don't go!

I have to. No one here wants to hear about our problems.

Some already have. You have written so much. So what if they don't read, this is part of our healing. I know it doesn't feel like it, because we have so much pain and anger inside of us that made us both stronger and brave to open up about stuff that made me the little child inside and now the older woman that you have become.

I know I'm strong. That's why we are still alive.

And brave.

Yes, being brave too. If I wasn't brave, we wouldn't of went to court against our father. Why I said our father is because he has hurt you the most in the past. That part of us needs to heal. Even though he has tried to hurt me, the older me, but I stopped him. We stopped him from hurting us.

Then why Am I still hurting? Do you think I would be happy?

I'm happy because father can't hurt us ever again, but the reason why it still hurting us inside is because, we don't understand why and wish father could of been a real father to us like he was with our two older brother's. We want that fatherly love that we never had. We only become a sex object to him, that his sick mind couldn't think straight and see that we are his little girl that needed to be protected and show the right kind of love.

I know.

We both need to heal. we need to heal from what father has done and what some of our uncle's and cousin's have done...

And our rapist?

Yes, our rapist too.

What about the older us? What do we need to heal?

That part is only for me to work on.

Not true. Your helping the younger us and I'm going to help the older us, then I'll go away when we both are healed together and I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

Sorry for not protecting us.

We was little, we was scared and weak at the time. There was nothing we could of done.

I could of told the cops the truth that day about our rapist.

Yes you could of, but you was ten and scared to. I forgive you.

I told mommy that daddy did something and we got put into a foster home.

That's not your fault and it's not mother's fault either. She told one of her sister's and our aunt is the one that got us in the foster home. I love our mother with our whole heart.

Same here, she never hurt us and our brother's, only daddy hurt is you and I.

What we also need to heal from, is what some guys that I dated done to me.

What did they do?

Some used my love. They even abused it.

What do you mean they abused it?

Some guys thrown things at me. Some put me down about everything that I did. I had a ex that I was going to marry and I stayed with him for three years, almost four. But he started to treat our youngest son like shit.

What do you mean?

He abused him. Picking him up from his hair and toss him onto the couch. Bitting his fingers and pushing down on his chest so he couldn't breathe.

Why pushed on his chest?

I remember that day and the mediator doesn't even care when I told him about it. It happened eleven years ago. My oldest son and I was going into the living room and when I walked in with my oldest in my arms, I looked over to see my ex wrestling with our son on the couch. My ex was trying to change our son's diaper, but our son was given him a hard time. So my ex pushed down on our two year olds chest so hard that our son couldn't breathe. I flipped out and told him "Your going to fucken kill him if you keep doing that!" I had tears in my eyes and my oldest three year old looked at me not understanding what was going on. My ex looked at me with evil eyes and grinding his teeth at me. Then he turned back to our son and grabbed his kneecaps and started squeezing them as I watched our son's legs go straight out and my ex's arms shaking from squeezing. Then he finally changed our son's diaper and left the room. He even choked me once, because I wanted to die that one night. I got into more cutting and thinking about suicide.

That's not good. What about your oldest son? Do they have the same father?

No, they have two different fathers.

Why aren't you with his father?

I have a lot of reasons why. My oldest son's father always accuse me of things that I didn't do. Making fun of me, putting me down, tell me what to do not to do. I couldn't even hang out with my brother's or even hang out with friends. If I didn't answer the phone, he will bitch at me. I had to wear certain clothes. The whole time he was controlling me, he was cheating on me. Then on my oldest son 7th birthday, this father was planning on to kill him. I have primary and physical custody of my oldest son.

We had a harder life being older too.

Yep. It feels like I'm not good enough for my fiance. I don't think I'll ever be good enough for him. I wasn't good enough for any guy that I been with. They always leave, treat me like a nobody and treat me like shit so I'll be the one that has to leave.

I'm sorry what we been through so much. I'm just glad that you are strong and I know there is more pain inside that needs to come out and you left so much out, but that can been on a different day. I love you my older me.

I love you too younger me. This is one way I think will help me heal.




© Charlotte B.