15.

The whiskey burns the back of my throat
As it travels into my belly
You tell me it will only warm my insides temporarily
Before it will generously find its way into my bones

It's not my bones melting
But my brain

The constellations in the nights sky are swimming
Meanwhile, I am floating

I tell you I like this sensation
And you hand me the bottle of whiskey

(I don't remember the rest of that night.)



18.

There is a hand-held mirror with two perfectly-shaped, white lines
And a hefty stagnant silence seated between you and I

You call it medicine
But I know better
And I politely decline
Preferring the whiskey you pour over ice

You laugh
Then take a deep breath through the nose
And on a sigh say how you have missed me

That we are more alike than my naive heart can see

But you're nodding out
And I don't know if I should be scared now

The ice in my otherwise empty cup makes a sloshing sound
And my hands begin to shake

I don't know how to make you stop

(I told mom, but she didn't believe me.)



20.


The boy I love died for ninety-two seconds last night

His mom called me at three a.m.
Crying hysterically
Saying he took too much again
But they saved him miracously

Between her tears, she told me before he stopped breathing
He called out my name

I didn't even know he was using it again

He has constellations on his arms
From a medicine too much like yours

And I don't know how to save him.

I still don't know how to save you, either.


21.

I haven't slept in two days

I wash the medicine down with a bottle of wine
As these windowless walls enclose on me

They are watching me through the blinds
But the boy with constellations on his arms can't see

I feel nauseous
And hopelessly afraid

And simultaneously as if I can fly with no wings
Or stand in front of ten-thousand and sing
Run from New York to San Francisco
Hop a bus to Toronto

And never stop.


It's been five days since I've had sleep.

The hands on the clock stopped ticking two days ago
When the paint on the walls began to seep

I'm not sure who I am anymore
And I fear I've lost the ability to speak

But the walls can.

(Is this what your medicine feels like?)



22.


I left the boy with constellations on his arms today
I didn't even tell him goodbye

Something is broken in my brain
And I am quickly and loudly losing my mind

Your medicine is poison.

But so are these pills they shove down my throat

I wonder what they would do if they knew
I prefer them up my nose

Sometimes I think I hate you
For the way you introduced me to this underground life

(They tell me they found your body last night.)



25.


The space you leave at the table is palpable
Though I have found a way to cope

I quit running and writing awhile ago
Now I prefer to drink and smoke

I am not the same person I was before

Before the days of this underground world
Where the whiskey never stops flowing
And the music never stops playing

This place where things like your medicine are plentiful
But hope is not

Has me completely lost

My friends are dying
You are gone too

Brother, I don't know what to do



26.


I asked my doctor to cancel my prescription today

It dawned on me last night as I was lost in a daze
Gazing at a sky that reminded of the boy with constellations marked into his arms

That you were always right

You and I are more alike
Than a naive heart like mine
Could have ever known

At eighteen

But you knew

I think I buried a piece of me beside your grave
Because I haven't been the same

But I promise I'll find myself

Soon


28.

I still feel as if I am mindlessly wandering
Lost in my own head

But I think if I keep going in this direction
It won't be so bad

The sun shines a little brighter now
And I have begun to see beauty in the constellations again

(Oh, how I wish you were here to see this)



30.

Some days that lost feeling overwhelms me
But slowly, it's been getting easier to breathe

The good days outweigh the bad now
Something I didn't think I would live to see

I've met someone I think you'd love as much as you love me
If only your seat at the table wasn't empty

He reminds me every day that I am a blessing,
Just as me

Brother, I hope you're proud
Because I am finally

© krystlereisler