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Heartless
Ever imagine having it all and it still doesn't make you happy. After waiting for it so long, you forget how eagerly you want it. You had already lost interest. like love, you want it so bad, then when you get it, it's not what you expected it to be. but who knows, it might work out for some people. for me, it's just make believe, nothing ever come true, never get anything good out of anything.
being molested by my eighteen year old cousin, fliped my whole world upside down. I went from a bubbly personality who loved to talk to a complete shut down from the world. My only safe place was my room or beside my mother. My real father was never around and is possiblity to be a rapists. Which would label me as his seed. If it were true, I wouldn't know how to think or what words to say, if I were ever to come across him.
My step dad was the only man and Father figure I ever known. We did everything together. We went fishing, frog hunting, going to parades, having barn fires and crawfish boils while having family over. and Christmas was the all time favorite and new years. It was the most beautiful important memories you could never forget. School was tough as a young girl. I had attend an all white school and few blacks. I would go to my nanny house who is black for two months and attended an all black summer school so I wouldn't feel so out of place from my own color. I had to sit in a all white room with only two chairs, leaveing me and the reporter taking my case of molestation. I went to therapy up until eleven. I was 9 when it happen. Getting bullied for my pants being high waters, wearing glasses to be called for eye, ugly because I was a tooth pick with bad acne. I had a mouth on me and angry like a mule, I can honestly say that.
Then the worst of worst happen to my life at just 15. My mom mistakenly have taken the wrong medicine, as result, of her being mild MR. Doctor version, Mild Retarded. My version, still my mom, just not the same person I grew to know. She has forgotten a lot of things she use to do and how to do it. She has forgotten sum of her past. Maybe it's a good thing. Who would wanna remember their past anyway. In the mist of it, one of my aunts took action, and took my mother and I away from our home we grown to love, and away from the only man I knew as my dad. It left my dad heart broken, my mother was the love of his life. My aunt didn't allow my dad to talk to us. She treated me like a savage because the color of my light brown skin. She was jelouse because she gave up her first daughter to complete strangers for a man who didn't want kids. She wanted my mother to give me away, but she kept me and raised me. But after the stroke I really feel like I practically raised myself. life was tough, we were being controlled like robots from my aunt. She tried to put me in a group home for having a boyfriend. She even told his family to stay away from me. She had the manager of the housing to make sure of that. It ended in her disowning my mother and I for nine years. in those nine years my mom and I have moved apartment to apartment until it's was time we each had our own.
The tenth year she had finally came around. I still, till this day have never gotten an apology for all the pain she caused me. She had torn my life apart, made me feel like I was a no good for nothing hoe. She didn't allow me to go to my very first homecoming at my high school before moving to her house. Never will feel how prom or homecoming or even saddie hulkens dance was like. she robbed me from so much. I had no privilege of enjoying of being a child or teen.
I been in and out of love, guy to guy. Some were there for just sex, others want to be with me. I fail in every relationship because I didn't feel happy, I didn't even love myself and didn't know my worth. I didn't respect me or my body. I struggled to keep bills paid and food on the table. I was so over my head, I attempted suiside. I had tooken 30 sleeping pills to end it all, end my life, I felt all alone. I felt like no one cared, delt with depression for years, and now it finally won. a friend of mine had rushed me to a hospital. I was then sent to the psych ward, in other words, behavioral center for a whole two weeks. In addition, I was put on medication for depression and sleep. all I had to look at was a bed and window with a bathroom. Enough to make a person go insane. I wasn't able to walk for 3 days due to the strong does of sleeping pills I have tooken. It mess my nerve system up a little bit.
Most dangerous thing in the world to curupt our brains, is dating websites. Lord, do I have a long history with that. It all started with yahoo chatrooms, where you can play pool with people as well. Since then it took over. Its like being someone you always wish of being. In the end it's a lie, the person you wish to be is not the same person behind the screen. It became a bad habit, got me into trouble. I got use by many, and taken advantage of.
I had met this boy online, I had given up on men and was curious to see if being with a woman would be better. We bonded very quickly and he had gotten it into my head that I need to leave if I wanted to be with him. My friends and family all told me not to go. It left my mom in tears, she felt like she was gonna be alone and I didn't want to be with her. Like I was pushing her away. But that was never the case. I wanted to throw everything away and start fresh with this man, begin a life, he sold me lies. I left my job of seven and a half years and apartment to be with him. I now relazied that was the most niave and stupid decision I have ever made. But I'm an aries, I deal with things head one and consistences later. Hard headed and stubborn individual. everything was good for a while.
then shit hit the fan, when he learned I had an intellectual disability. from all those nights of different company, led me to gential herpes type 2. when I found out I left him afraid he might not want me anymore. I spent a night in the shelter and went on a bus back to Louisiana to childhood friends house, while I was there I had lost my step dad, he had passed away. It was and still is the worst pain in the world itself, you can ever feel. While in mourning, the man got into my head and made me turn against my long lost friends and make up a lie to leave. my friend had came got me and my friend brought me back to Mississippi. then left again and It was all good, until he started to bring me down. he spoke words of, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, my life is worthless, kill myself, I'm a stick, I'm weak, a punk, I'm stupid, do I wanna die, they deserve better then me, why should they have to suffer from pleasure when I'm the one with gentile herpes so they can do what the hell they want, as in cheating, no one gonna want me, I act like a child so they gonna treat me like one, I'm an infectious disease. he had all these things locked in my mind, as I was already at war in battlefield of the mind. I was at my lowest to where I just wished he killed me with the bat or burned me to death with the steaming iron or just beaten me to death. I was scared for my life, he controlled me like a puppet. he took advantage of me and spent all my money on weed, beer, handing it out to others, on other girls. he even spend my birthday money, and I was only allowed to buy one thing. It had gotten so bad he would video chat his ex and tell her he loved her, when he was supposedly to be with my. he was dating both of us at the same time. You couldn't image how horrible that was, or the times he had woman come into the apartment while I was sleep, or party at the club with his ex. What really triggered it, is when he allowed a female to stay in our apartment weeks at a time and forced me to sleep on the couch and allowing her to sleep with her in the bed I was suppose to be laying in, and having sex with her while her five month baby was in the room. too hear everything was just fucked up. Seeing him going out to eat with her, shop with her, bring her around the family and go to her people house with her. Some days they would leave me with her five month old baby. As if I wasn't in rage! To deal with that and being hit on and now being choked was enough. I had to get out, before it was too late.
When I finally got the chance to escape from the hell. a friend came got me and I stayed with her until I move in with a roomate. then he got my head again and I ubered back to Mississippi. it was a possibility I could be hiv positive, but didn't know for sure until family took me in. It wasnt the worst end of the stick, therefore it's not aids. My heart had sanked down to my feet, I felt like someone grabbed my guts and pulled them out, I felt lifeless. I cried as if my life is really over. How was I suppose to have kids or get married for that matter. Know one will not definitely want me. its over...so I thought. I had first discovered it in Mississippi as I was very high feverish, couldn't keep nothing down, and my stomach was hurting so bad I felt like I was actually dieing. In reality, I was if I didn't get help soon. Lucky I did, and gotten medicine to keep me alive. The virus had damaged my immune system, attacking it.
Its a blessing I was saved, but often feel like a set back. It's very stressful living with family. You do so much to help and it's still never enough. I feel like I became a problem, another mouth they can't afford to feed. They say I'm using their home as a hotel, and they are ready for they lives to be back to normal without me in it.
As if it's not stressful enough, no education, no job, or place of my own in a pandemic. Miles away from friends and my mom. I feel all alone and out of place, I'm overwhelmed of stress. Thanksgiving is coming up, a cousin offered to come from Louisiana to Texas so that I can spend time with my mother. But it is by my cousin's mother, aka aunt to wanted my mom to give me away, house. Do I dare to ask how will this go, I been through hell and back since the day I entered this world. When will the pain stop, when troubles end, when will I ever be happy, will I ever get a happy ending?
I had found this wonderful amazing man. he had gorgeous skin and smile that could light up the room. he has a heart of gold, cares deeply about his love ones. Doesn't take light to bullshit, he's ready to defend and fight at any given moment. He very determined on his goals in life, he only missing one thing. A wife... but am I wife material, we live miles away from each other. His patience is wearing thin, has he already passed most of his tested for his high school diploma and I'm just beginning. It seemed impossible that it was too good to be true. Is it God saying it's not gonna work out? Or maybe I should give up and let God. stop trying to steer. what's ment to happen, will happen on his timing in his way. My faith hasn't been the best, it been in and out. I don't know how to love, pray, or seek God. I'm a lost sheep in the dark. My life is basically a puzzle. Hard Finding the pieces that fit. life is a box of chocolates, never know what you gonna get. it can be a sour lemon or a sweet pumpkin pie. If life was simple or came with a manual, would it even matter? they say when God finds something broken, he turns it into something beutiful, a master piece. wonder if that's true........
-ending-
© without a test, you can't have a testimony.
being molested by my eighteen year old cousin, fliped my whole world upside down. I went from a bubbly personality who loved to talk to a complete shut down from the world. My only safe place was my room or beside my mother. My real father was never around and is possiblity to be a rapists. Which would label me as his seed. If it were true, I wouldn't know how to think or what words to say, if I were ever to come across him.
My step dad was the only man and Father figure I ever known. We did everything together. We went fishing, frog hunting, going to parades, having barn fires and crawfish boils while having family over. and Christmas was the all time favorite and new years. It was the most beautiful important memories you could never forget. School was tough as a young girl. I had attend an all white school and few blacks. I would go to my nanny house who is black for two months and attended an all black summer school so I wouldn't feel so out of place from my own color. I had to sit in a all white room with only two chairs, leaveing me and the reporter taking my case of molestation. I went to therapy up until eleven. I was 9 when it happen. Getting bullied for my pants being high waters, wearing glasses to be called for eye, ugly because I was a tooth pick with bad acne. I had a mouth on me and angry like a mule, I can honestly say that.
Then the worst of worst happen to my life at just 15. My mom mistakenly have taken the wrong medicine, as result, of her being mild MR. Doctor version, Mild Retarded. My version, still my mom, just not the same person I grew to know. She has forgotten a lot of things she use to do and how to do it. She has forgotten sum of her past. Maybe it's a good thing. Who would wanna remember their past anyway. In the mist of it, one of my aunts took action, and took my mother and I away from our home we grown to love, and away from the only man I knew as my dad. It left my dad heart broken, my mother was the love of his life. My aunt didn't allow my dad to talk to us. She treated me like a savage because the color of my light brown skin. She was jelouse because she gave up her first daughter to complete strangers for a man who didn't want kids. She wanted my mother to give me away, but she kept me and raised me. But after the stroke I really feel like I practically raised myself. life was tough, we were being controlled like robots from my aunt. She tried to put me in a group home for having a boyfriend. She even told his family to stay away from me. She had the manager of the housing to make sure of that. It ended in her disowning my mother and I for nine years. in those nine years my mom and I have moved apartment to apartment until it's was time we each had our own.
The tenth year she had finally came around. I still, till this day have never gotten an apology for all the pain she caused me. She had torn my life apart, made me feel like I was a no good for nothing hoe. She didn't allow me to go to my very first homecoming at my high school before moving to her house. Never will feel how prom or homecoming or even saddie hulkens dance was like. she robbed me from so much. I had no privilege of enjoying of being a child or teen.
I been in and out of love, guy to guy. Some were there for just sex, others want to be with me. I fail in every relationship because I didn't feel happy, I didn't even love myself and didn't know my worth. I didn't respect me or my body. I struggled to keep bills paid and food on the table. I was so over my head, I attempted suiside. I had tooken 30 sleeping pills to end it all, end my life, I felt all alone. I felt like no one cared, delt with depression for years, and now it finally won. a friend of mine had rushed me to a hospital. I was then sent to the psych ward, in other words, behavioral center for a whole two weeks. In addition, I was put on medication for depression and sleep. all I had to look at was a bed and window with a bathroom. Enough to make a person go insane. I wasn't able to walk for 3 days due to the strong does of sleeping pills I have tooken. It mess my nerve system up a little bit.
Most dangerous thing in the world to curupt our brains, is dating websites. Lord, do I have a long history with that. It all started with yahoo chatrooms, where you can play pool with people as well. Since then it took over. Its like being someone you always wish of being. In the end it's a lie, the person you wish to be is not the same person behind the screen. It became a bad habit, got me into trouble. I got use by many, and taken advantage of.
I had met this boy online, I had given up on men and was curious to see if being with a woman would be better. We bonded very quickly and he had gotten it into my head that I need to leave if I wanted to be with him. My friends and family all told me not to go. It left my mom in tears, she felt like she was gonna be alone and I didn't want to be with her. Like I was pushing her away. But that was never the case. I wanted to throw everything away and start fresh with this man, begin a life, he sold me lies. I left my job of seven and a half years and apartment to be with him. I now relazied that was the most niave and stupid decision I have ever made. But I'm an aries, I deal with things head one and consistences later. Hard headed and stubborn individual. everything was good for a while.
then shit hit the fan, when he learned I had an intellectual disability. from all those nights of different company, led me to gential herpes type 2. when I found out I left him afraid he might not want me anymore. I spent a night in the shelter and went on a bus back to Louisiana to childhood friends house, while I was there I had lost my step dad, he had passed away. It was and still is the worst pain in the world itself, you can ever feel. While in mourning, the man got into my head and made me turn against my long lost friends and make up a lie to leave. my friend had came got me and my friend brought me back to Mississippi. then left again and It was all good, until he started to bring me down. he spoke words of, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, my life is worthless, kill myself, I'm a stick, I'm weak, a punk, I'm stupid, do I wanna die, they deserve better then me, why should they have to suffer from pleasure when I'm the one with gentile herpes so they can do what the hell they want, as in cheating, no one gonna want me, I act like a child so they gonna treat me like one, I'm an infectious disease. he had all these things locked in my mind, as I was already at war in battlefield of the mind. I was at my lowest to where I just wished he killed me with the bat or burned me to death with the steaming iron or just beaten me to death. I was scared for my life, he controlled me like a puppet. he took advantage of me and spent all my money on weed, beer, handing it out to others, on other girls. he even spend my birthday money, and I was only allowed to buy one thing. It had gotten so bad he would video chat his ex and tell her he loved her, when he was supposedly to be with my. he was dating both of us at the same time. You couldn't image how horrible that was, or the times he had woman come into the apartment while I was sleep, or party at the club with his ex. What really triggered it, is when he allowed a female to stay in our apartment weeks at a time and forced me to sleep on the couch and allowing her to sleep with her in the bed I was suppose to be laying in, and having sex with her while her five month baby was in the room. too hear everything was just fucked up. Seeing him going out to eat with her, shop with her, bring her around the family and go to her people house with her. Some days they would leave me with her five month old baby. As if I wasn't in rage! To deal with that and being hit on and now being choked was enough. I had to get out, before it was too late.
When I finally got the chance to escape from the hell. a friend came got me and I stayed with her until I move in with a roomate. then he got my head again and I ubered back to Mississippi. it was a possibility I could be hiv positive, but didn't know for sure until family took me in. It wasnt the worst end of the stick, therefore it's not aids. My heart had sanked down to my feet, I felt like someone grabbed my guts and pulled them out, I felt lifeless. I cried as if my life is really over. How was I suppose to have kids or get married for that matter. Know one will not definitely want me. its over...so I thought. I had first discovered it in Mississippi as I was very high feverish, couldn't keep nothing down, and my stomach was hurting so bad I felt like I was actually dieing. In reality, I was if I didn't get help soon. Lucky I did, and gotten medicine to keep me alive. The virus had damaged my immune system, attacking it.
Its a blessing I was saved, but often feel like a set back. It's very stressful living with family. You do so much to help and it's still never enough. I feel like I became a problem, another mouth they can't afford to feed. They say I'm using their home as a hotel, and they are ready for they lives to be back to normal without me in it.
As if it's not stressful enough, no education, no job, or place of my own in a pandemic. Miles away from friends and my mom. I feel all alone and out of place, I'm overwhelmed of stress. Thanksgiving is coming up, a cousin offered to come from Louisiana to Texas so that I can spend time with my mother. But it is by my cousin's mother, aka aunt to wanted my mom to give me away, house. Do I dare to ask how will this go, I been through hell and back since the day I entered this world. When will the pain stop, when troubles end, when will I ever be happy, will I ever get a happy ending?
I had found this wonderful amazing man. he had gorgeous skin and smile that could light up the room. he has a heart of gold, cares deeply about his love ones. Doesn't take light to bullshit, he's ready to defend and fight at any given moment. He very determined on his goals in life, he only missing one thing. A wife... but am I wife material, we live miles away from each other. His patience is wearing thin, has he already passed most of his tested for his high school diploma and I'm just beginning. It seemed impossible that it was too good to be true. Is it God saying it's not gonna work out? Or maybe I should give up and let God. stop trying to steer. what's ment to happen, will happen on his timing in his way. My faith hasn't been the best, it been in and out. I don't know how to love, pray, or seek God. I'm a lost sheep in the dark. My life is basically a puzzle. Hard Finding the pieces that fit. life is a box of chocolates, never know what you gonna get. it can be a sour lemon or a sweet pumpkin pie. If life was simple or came with a manual, would it even matter? they say when God finds something broken, he turns it into something beutiful, a master piece. wonder if that's true........
-ending-
© without a test, you can't have a testimony.
