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19 & The Gentleman
19 was the age of the secretly lonesome boy/man as he found parking amongst the part of town robust with hotels. He didn't know the difference, but with age he would increasingly gain a wiser ability to discern between a boy & a man which was age irrelevant. As he killed the engine, he gripped the steering wheel as he tried to make sense of his choice and its impulsivity.
"What the fuck are you doing? Is it for the experience? He's not even remotely your type, I mean he's big but James Corden he is definitely not"
He felt guilty & could never ghost on anyone regardless of regrets or fears. He was lonely and just wanted to be the section of himself, that needed to be in the arms of a large, bearish, guy.
Thanks parents, catholicism, toxic masculinity, and being born for all your guidance and positivity towards self-acceptance. His favorite part of the journey was the incessancy of suicidal thoughts.
He took a deep breath as he exited his car and began to follow the directions. He was nervous, but not to meet this guy who he already knew was nothing special. He was nervous because he never did this before, the guy was double digits older than him, but mostly the uncertainty of expectations. He didn't want to hurt this man's feelings.
"Heeey, you found me and you actually came. I wasn't sure. "
His demeanor was relaxing and calming.
"Yeah I came, sorry to ask but we're you uncertain because it's common? No shows?"
It was just after dawn, a time that conveniently chose itself because 19 was still 'covert' and he wouldn't run into anyone so early. Besides that, the early time could've been why he thought 19 might've overslept, resulting in a no show
.
" Not too much, but unfortunately yeah, for whatever reasons there are guys now & then that don't show. Then, you never hear from them again. No offense but younger guys tend to do that alot which is why I was genuinely surprised when you appeared."
His facial expression led 19 to feel he knew it was superficiality along with a persons difficulty to say no. 19 knew because he was that person.
" I'm not surprised. Young equals irresponsibility, lying caused by fear of conflict, broken promises, the list of young man disorders carry length, throw a rainbow in that mess and I dunno. However, now that we've both kept our words...?"
19 arched a single eyebrow with the intention of conveying his interest in what comes next.
The gentleman, who was a sweetheart through & through asked 19 if he was hungry, or if he wanted to see the gentleman's room, with a slightly embarrassed smirk. The gentleman added
"We can just brainstorm plans in a casual setting. I think there might be leisure in there as well."
He was trying to make 19 feel comfortable. 19 couldn't think of another comparable attempt by anyone else in his life. With most, to insight discomfort was commom.
" No. Your room is the last place... I can't be sarcastic to you, I'd probably hurt my feelings more from the guilt. Seriously though, yes, your room."
19 had finally felt his anxiety lift as comfortable took its place.
As the gentleman opened the door while he ceremoniously apologized for the non-existent mess.
19 slipped behind the gentleman while walking further into the room. He put his chin on the top of the gentleman's spine while sliding his hand across his love handles until he reached his destination, the tummy.
The gentleman sighed but more from relief as he began to explain.
"I kinda felt the distance or discomfort downstairs. It's slightly more clear the reason wasn't me but I don't intend on making you uncomfortable but I might have an idea. If I'm correct don't worry it's normal "
He was right and he understood the fear but I felt a bit more guilty for feeling I must hide.
"I'm sorry but I'm not strong & courageous. It's shameful to feel ashamed of this. Unintentionally, when we initially met I felt you wonder if I was ashamed to be seen with you but I wasn't. It's not even shame really, it's more fear of how much hate people carry and I'm worried because homophobia will always be around as long as religion and male insecurity is around. "
" So forever. "
The gentleman added, injecting humor and also to remind me we were to in the safety of his room.
At this point he was sitting on the bed with 19 standing between his legs and his head pressed into 19's diaphragm while he pet his head & neck, rubbing behind his ears to backside of his head. 19 gently kissed him on the forehead, a gesture he felt conveyed intimacy better, reason unknown.
The gentleman lifted his head, gazed into 19's eyes with yearning but it could've been a premature fear of rejection.
"Anytime you want to stop or should something make you uncomfortable just tell me or pull away. I know you're not sure how much you want to do but if it were up to me, you don't need to guess, you already know"
He informed/warned 19 who replied by placing his face on the gentleman's right shoulder as they were sitting into each other.
He could feel that the gentleman was investing more as 19 had no existing desire for oral or penetrative sex.
19 never lied and sidestepped any conversation that contained any words with a high probability of time traveling into a future with set expectations.
19 was still sitting up at the foot of the bed, while the gentleman had transitioned to laying on the bed.
"You can lie down next to me, I'm not gonna pounce. "
which 19 already knew but it felt good to be wanted to the point of being beckoned.
19 lifted his feet, pivoted left to crawl closer him. Leaning in, they began to kiss. 19 was a professional kisser and could create a rythym with the most challenging of kissers.
Throughout the dance of lips 19 controlled the pace to a halt to ask, almost childlike, in hesitance and stare.
"I'm sorry." I wasn't sorry, I was needy.
"What's wrong? Too fast too much?"
The gentleman asked, presumably because of his erection.
"No. I get those too but bigger."
19 ruffled the gentleman's hair to further display joking playfulness. Regardless, his face returned to the serious tone relative to his inquiry.
"I just wanna lay here for a while but only if you think you wouldn't mind holding me?
I've never been held before"
19 asked so deeply as if being held was what losing virginities were to everyone else.
The gentleman, eagerly obliged
"Come here. Of course I will, that is if you don't mind the pulsating into your lower back? Sorry I keep trying to make you smile but I'm beginning to realize it's coming out a bit more rapey pervert than humerous."
19 laughed.
"No. Good job, that was actually pretty funny, but because it's kind of true."
Responding without words, 19 slightly turned back to squeeze the gentleman's genitals gently in approval
"I know, I'm a guy too. I would never discriminate against a pulsate. "
As the result, of this exchange a sharp impulsivity of the moment began to instigate an increase in intimate energy. PG rose up to PG-13, from that it continued up to R [containing sexual situations, suggestive language, partial nudity].
19 knew this was as far as it could go and as the gentleman began to unbutton 19's jeans, 19, mixed with guilt and regret, put his hands over the gentleman's
"No?"
"No." 19 replied, gazing into the puppy dog eyes that were gazing back.
The gentleman looked up from kissing 19's stomach with sheltering, concerned eyes
"Shhhhhh. Worry not."
He said with a gentle reassurance.
"I'm very sorry and I want to give you more but you would only be able to feel my abscence. You deserve someone willing to give you that attentiveness." water gathered along the bottom 19's eyes as the shame & guilt of needing something that's opposite to that of yet another person weighed heavy.
He felt as though he might as well be a faggot beater, he couldn't feel the difference in the sorrow.
The gentleman was exactly that, a gentleman. He thumbed away the gathered tears, kissed 19 on the forhead, kissed each tear-filled eyelid, then finally concluded the triplet with his lips as they embraced.
19 put his shirt back on, his eyes scanned the room for his phone & keys, as part of him wanted to leave out of self-loathing, the other part assumed he was no longer much fulfilling.
The gentleman, intent to help began to try.
"I wonder how something awful made you feel so uncomfortable with saying no? It is ok. I see this look of obligation in your eyes & I hope you don't feel it towards me. I hope I didn't somehow create an expectation. Listen, you're still real young and you think you're pain is invisible but it ain't. You think your pain ain't contagious but it is. You want to be invisible, maybe cause it's a safer feeling? Maybe you have no idea just how visible you are like an exploding star going supernova. You attract attention and some people might mistake your innocence for danger, which wouldn't be a concern if you actually weren't dangerous.... perhaps moreso to yourself?
I don't want say goodbye yet.
Do you want to stay?
Cause I really want you to. "
19 just sat upright on the bed, staring into his lap. He never met anyone this understanding, didn't have gay friends, not because of optics but he just didn't know any.
19 was just a guy who happened to like big guys, maybe because their size made him feel safe and engulfed by their feelings.
This was the first guy capable of giving him any advice that counted as advice.
"I really want to stay too... "
19 replied while maintaining direct eye contact.
Before 19 could elaborate, the gentleman kissed his left cheek, then into his left ear he gently spoke
"I'm gonna hold you like you always dreamed. We're gonna lay here with the TV on until we fall asleep. I'm gonna hold you and make up for all the nights you laid your head down alone. You won't need to be scared of your thoughts tonight, I'll blanket you from whatever you need. You know why?"
"Why?" 19 had no idea
"Because you showed up. You protected me from a different type of lonely, that being rejection. You gave me all you could when you were nervous and didn't need to. I was basically just a stranger but you put your trust in me. So I wanna give you all you need and what you need is... For us to hold on to each other and tonight."
19 tried his hardest to hide the amount of tears as the gentleman held onto him as promised, For that night, in that room they floated into space, entangling one another not even realizing when sleep came.
© Chem6a099
"What the fuck are you doing? Is it for the experience? He's not even remotely your type, I mean he's big but James Corden he is definitely not"
He felt guilty & could never ghost on anyone regardless of regrets or fears. He was lonely and just wanted to be the section of himself, that needed to be in the arms of a large, bearish, guy.
Thanks parents, catholicism, toxic masculinity, and being born for all your guidance and positivity towards self-acceptance. His favorite part of the journey was the incessancy of suicidal thoughts.
He took a deep breath as he exited his car and began to follow the directions. He was nervous, but not to meet this guy who he already knew was nothing special. He was nervous because he never did this before, the guy was double digits older than him, but mostly the uncertainty of expectations. He didn't want to hurt this man's feelings.
"Heeey, you found me and you actually came. I wasn't sure. "
His demeanor was relaxing and calming.
"Yeah I came, sorry to ask but we're you uncertain because it's common? No shows?"
It was just after dawn, a time that conveniently chose itself because 19 was still 'covert' and he wouldn't run into anyone so early. Besides that, the early time could've been why he thought 19 might've overslept, resulting in a no show
.
" Not too much, but unfortunately yeah, for whatever reasons there are guys now & then that don't show. Then, you never hear from them again. No offense but younger guys tend to do that alot which is why I was genuinely surprised when you appeared."
His facial expression led 19 to feel he knew it was superficiality along with a persons difficulty to say no. 19 knew because he was that person.
" I'm not surprised. Young equals irresponsibility, lying caused by fear of conflict, broken promises, the list of young man disorders carry length, throw a rainbow in that mess and I dunno. However, now that we've both kept our words...?"
19 arched a single eyebrow with the intention of conveying his interest in what comes next.
The gentleman, who was a sweetheart through & through asked 19 if he was hungry, or if he wanted to see the gentleman's room, with a slightly embarrassed smirk. The gentleman added
"We can just brainstorm plans in a casual setting. I think there might be leisure in there as well."
He was trying to make 19 feel comfortable. 19 couldn't think of another comparable attempt by anyone else in his life. With most, to insight discomfort was commom.
" No. Your room is the last place... I can't be sarcastic to you, I'd probably hurt my feelings more from the guilt. Seriously though, yes, your room."
19 had finally felt his anxiety lift as comfortable took its place.
As the gentleman opened the door while he ceremoniously apologized for the non-existent mess.
19 slipped behind the gentleman while walking further into the room. He put his chin on the top of the gentleman's spine while sliding his hand across his love handles until he reached his destination, the tummy.
The gentleman sighed but more from relief as he began to explain.
"I kinda felt the distance or discomfort downstairs. It's slightly more clear the reason wasn't me but I don't intend on making you uncomfortable but I might have an idea. If I'm correct don't worry it's normal "
He was right and he understood the fear but I felt a bit more guilty for feeling I must hide.
"I'm sorry but I'm not strong & courageous. It's shameful to feel ashamed of this. Unintentionally, when we initially met I felt you wonder if I was ashamed to be seen with you but I wasn't. It's not even shame really, it's more fear of how much hate people carry and I'm worried because homophobia will always be around as long as religion and male insecurity is around. "
" So forever. "
The gentleman added, injecting humor and also to remind me we were to in the safety of his room.
At this point he was sitting on the bed with 19 standing between his legs and his head pressed into 19's diaphragm while he pet his head & neck, rubbing behind his ears to backside of his head. 19 gently kissed him on the forehead, a gesture he felt conveyed intimacy better, reason unknown.
The gentleman lifted his head, gazed into 19's eyes with yearning but it could've been a premature fear of rejection.
"Anytime you want to stop or should something make you uncomfortable just tell me or pull away. I know you're not sure how much you want to do but if it were up to me, you don't need to guess, you already know"
He informed/warned 19 who replied by placing his face on the gentleman's right shoulder as they were sitting into each other.
He could feel that the gentleman was investing more as 19 had no existing desire for oral or penetrative sex.
19 never lied and sidestepped any conversation that contained any words with a high probability of time traveling into a future with set expectations.
19 was still sitting up at the foot of the bed, while the gentleman had transitioned to laying on the bed.
"You can lie down next to me, I'm not gonna pounce. "
which 19 already knew but it felt good to be wanted to the point of being beckoned.
19 lifted his feet, pivoted left to crawl closer him. Leaning in, they began to kiss. 19 was a professional kisser and could create a rythym with the most challenging of kissers.
Throughout the dance of lips 19 controlled the pace to a halt to ask, almost childlike, in hesitance and stare.
"I'm sorry." I wasn't sorry, I was needy.
"What's wrong? Too fast too much?"
The gentleman asked, presumably because of his erection.
"No. I get those too but bigger."
19 ruffled the gentleman's hair to further display joking playfulness. Regardless, his face returned to the serious tone relative to his inquiry.
"I just wanna lay here for a while but only if you think you wouldn't mind holding me?
I've never been held before"
19 asked so deeply as if being held was what losing virginities were to everyone else.
The gentleman, eagerly obliged
"Come here. Of course I will, that is if you don't mind the pulsating into your lower back? Sorry I keep trying to make you smile but I'm beginning to realize it's coming out a bit more rapey pervert than humerous."
19 laughed.
"No. Good job, that was actually pretty funny, but because it's kind of true."
Responding without words, 19 slightly turned back to squeeze the gentleman's genitals gently in approval
"I know, I'm a guy too. I would never discriminate against a pulsate. "
As the result, of this exchange a sharp impulsivity of the moment began to instigate an increase in intimate energy. PG rose up to PG-13, from that it continued up to R [containing sexual situations, suggestive language, partial nudity].
19 knew this was as far as it could go and as the gentleman began to unbutton 19's jeans, 19, mixed with guilt and regret, put his hands over the gentleman's
"No?"
"No." 19 replied, gazing into the puppy dog eyes that were gazing back.
The gentleman looked up from kissing 19's stomach with sheltering, concerned eyes
"Shhhhhh. Worry not."
He said with a gentle reassurance.
"I'm very sorry and I want to give you more but you would only be able to feel my abscence. You deserve someone willing to give you that attentiveness." water gathered along the bottom 19's eyes as the shame & guilt of needing something that's opposite to that of yet another person weighed heavy.
He felt as though he might as well be a faggot beater, he couldn't feel the difference in the sorrow.
The gentleman was exactly that, a gentleman. He thumbed away the gathered tears, kissed 19 on the forhead, kissed each tear-filled eyelid, then finally concluded the triplet with his lips as they embraced.
19 put his shirt back on, his eyes scanned the room for his phone & keys, as part of him wanted to leave out of self-loathing, the other part assumed he was no longer much fulfilling.
The gentleman, intent to help began to try.
"I wonder how something awful made you feel so uncomfortable with saying no? It is ok. I see this look of obligation in your eyes & I hope you don't feel it towards me. I hope I didn't somehow create an expectation. Listen, you're still real young and you think you're pain is invisible but it ain't. You think your pain ain't contagious but it is. You want to be invisible, maybe cause it's a safer feeling? Maybe you have no idea just how visible you are like an exploding star going supernova. You attract attention and some people might mistake your innocence for danger, which wouldn't be a concern if you actually weren't dangerous.... perhaps moreso to yourself?
I don't want say goodbye yet.
Do you want to stay?
Cause I really want you to. "
19 just sat upright on the bed, staring into his lap. He never met anyone this understanding, didn't have gay friends, not because of optics but he just didn't know any.
19 was just a guy who happened to like big guys, maybe because their size made him feel safe and engulfed by their feelings.
This was the first guy capable of giving him any advice that counted as advice.
"I really want to stay too... "
19 replied while maintaining direct eye contact.
Before 19 could elaborate, the gentleman kissed his left cheek, then into his left ear he gently spoke
"I'm gonna hold you like you always dreamed. We're gonna lay here with the TV on until we fall asleep. I'm gonna hold you and make up for all the nights you laid your head down alone. You won't need to be scared of your thoughts tonight, I'll blanket you from whatever you need. You know why?"
"Why?" 19 had no idea
"Because you showed up. You protected me from a different type of lonely, that being rejection. You gave me all you could when you were nervous and didn't need to. I was basically just a stranger but you put your trust in me. So I wanna give you all you need and what you need is... For us to hold on to each other and tonight."
19 tried his hardest to hide the amount of tears as the gentleman held onto him as promised, For that night, in that room they floated into space, entangling one another not even realizing when sleep came.
© Chem6a099
