I thought I had an endless amount of second chances, God knows. What is a second chance? I never viewed life as anything other than something just to get through. I never knew how to live and to enjoy life. I was never taught the tools and the skills needed to overcome struggles or challenges. I didn't know how to heal, to grieve, to grow, or to set boundaries. I absolutely had no idea what self-respect truly meant. My whole life has been about just getting through one thing and the next. I was certain I didn't have choices. I had no clue how to be a true friend, mother, or wife. I just thought and I believed this was it, these were the cards I've been dealt and that's just how it is, I have to live with it, deal with it, and get through it. Eventually as years passed, my belief was that I got dealt the shittiest hand in life, so what was the use anymore? I had given up. So blind, no direction whatsoever, I believed that I had run out of second chances.
I don't know who that person is anymore. Thank God for that. I am transformed. It took me years, too many mistakes to count, and reaching my rock bottom to realize that I did, in fact, have a choice. I could continue down that road of destruction, that downward spiral of self sabotage I couldn't see the way out of. Or, admit defeat, surrender, and ask for help. There, at my rock bottom, I began my journey of transformation from death to life, from addiction to recovery. Through self acceptance and learning some new coping mechanisms, I started looking at life a little differently. There are no such things as second chances. I have but this one life, right here right now. That's it, that's a wrap. I don't get to live again. There is absolutely nothing, not a damn thing, that I can do to change my past. I don't get a rewind button, I cannot go back there. However, I've learned that my life is still worth living. Right here, right now, I have today. I get to make decisions, set boundaries, choose who I want in my life and who I don't. Today, I have a choice to get up every day and do what I want and chase after my dreams and desires. What a gift! My gift. My race has already been won because I have the gift of recovery. This is my victory and all I have to do is live one day at a time. This life today, is my chance not just to survive and get through it, but to live each and every day with love and purpose. If there is such a thing as a second chance, then I am living proof.
© Andi Miller
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