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Sick
Yesterday I woke up feeling different.
My heart rate wasn't consistent.
Jumping around like a yo-yo.
My brain felt like someone was rolling it like playdough.
But I didn't hurt… it felt like a rollercoaster ride,
That left my body trembling outside.
When my heart would rise this numbing sensation in my brain would rise also.
Within seconds my heart rate would drop
I was begging for it to stop.
I felt like I was going to pass out or have a seizure.
Once you've had one, the memory of the aura never leaves you.
It went on for about five minutes but it felt like an eternity.
I'm in a brand new territory.
I've never had heart issues before…
Is it actually heart issues, because I'm not even sure.
My first and last seizure was thirteen years ago.
This was something, something to me unknown...
Terrified to go to a doctor because they don't listen to me.
My sex, weight and metal health is all they see.
The last time I went they took a look at my chart
They didn't ask questions they just prescribed something right at the start.
This pills made me sicker and didn't fix the problem at hand.
I think to myself, would they listen if I were a man?
To them, everything is strictly black and white.
They don't see the grey area, and it isn't right.
People shouldn't have to fight to prove that they are physically sick.
Mental illness and weight are not the case but they are quick.
Neglecting to take the time,
To figure out and find,
Any underlying conditions.
But all of the doctors I've seen have always drawn their own opinions.
I woke up today and realized that my body was never mine.
There is a tingling in my head and spine.
In a cloud, a smog, a haze, a daze in my head.
A feeling of dread.
Today I felt like I had an out-of-body experience because my being was so numb…
Every inch of my skin, every joint muscle organ and bone
Numb and not my own.
My heart continues to fluctuate.
I wish I could do better for myself and communicate.
This isn't normal for me I'm usually really healthy.
I'm hoping I will feel better by tomorrow
Tired of time and mental space being stolen not borrowed.
© A. Tenney
My heart rate wasn't consistent.
Jumping around like a yo-yo.
My brain felt like someone was rolling it like playdough.
But I didn't hurt… it felt like a rollercoaster ride,
That left my body trembling outside.
When my heart would rise this numbing sensation in my brain would rise also.
Within seconds my heart rate would drop
I was begging for it to stop.
I felt like I was going to pass out or have a seizure.
Once you've had one, the memory of the aura never leaves you.
It went on for about five minutes but it felt like an eternity.
I'm in a brand new territory.
I've never had heart issues before…
Is it actually heart issues, because I'm not even sure.
My first and last seizure was thirteen years ago.
This was something, something to me unknown...
Terrified to go to a doctor because they don't listen to me.
My sex, weight and metal health is all they see.
The last time I went they took a look at my chart
They didn't ask questions they just prescribed something right at the start.
This pills made me sicker and didn't fix the problem at hand.
I think to myself, would they listen if I were a man?
To them, everything is strictly black and white.
They don't see the grey area, and it isn't right.
People shouldn't have to fight to prove that they are physically sick.
Mental illness and weight are not the case but they are quick.
Neglecting to take the time,
To figure out and find,
Any underlying conditions.
But all of the doctors I've seen have always drawn their own opinions.
I woke up today and realized that my body was never mine.
There is a tingling in my head and spine.
In a cloud, a smog, a haze, a daze in my head.
A feeling of dread.
Today I felt like I had an out-of-body experience because my being was so numb…
Every inch of my skin, every joint muscle organ and bone
Numb and not my own.
My heart continues to fluctuate.
I wish I could do better for myself and communicate.
This isn't normal for me I'm usually really healthy.
I'm hoping I will feel better by tomorrow
Tired of time and mental space being stolen not borrowed.
© A. Tenney
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