I'm watching myself live a life I thought I wanted
Friends I thought I needed to be happy
A boyfriend I thought I needed to be happy
The school I thought I needed to attend to be successful
The environment I thought I needed to be me
I have it all now, everything I thought I needed.
The perfect foundation for my university life
But it doesn't feel so perfect anymore.

I'm watching myself talk and laugh with my friends
I'm watching myself eat and watch a movie with my boyfriend
I'm watching myself answer questions in class
I'm watching myself explore my new environment
But I'm watching myself struggle to be happy with my "perfect life"
Happiness is a choice
And I'm choosing to be happy
So why can't I be happy

Something's still missing
But I can't figure it out
I need to figure it out
I need to be happy
After weeks of thinking
I figured it out...I need to love me.
I stared at my reflection
Noting down all my flaws
I sit down and make solutions to my flaws
I start going to gym to correct some of them.
I make a proper diet plan
It's been months... I'm seeing progress
I feel more confident
But that's all I feel
I don't feel happier for some reason
Even though happiness is a choice
A choice I'm choosing
But I still don't feel happy.

I realized I wanted more
I realized I needed more
After weeks of thinking
I figured it out...It's God
God is missing from my "perfect life"
So I started going to Church
I started attending fellowships
I started making time for personal time with God
I thought to myself "this is it"
But why doesn't it still feel right
Why am I not still happy
Happiness is meant to be a choice
And I chose to be happy
So why am I not happy

I'm still thinking
Still struggling to be happy
Still searching for what's missing
But maybe that's okay
Maybe I don't have to have it all figured out right now
I'm barely 18, I have time to figure everything out.
I probably should concentrate on what I have
Instead of losing everything I have
Just to find what I think is missing
I'm choosing to be at peace with everything I have
I'm choosing to be happy.

© BLUESOUL