words i dont know how to say

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Poem

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chaysara

2 months ago

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i am going to see my dad tomorrow
i will sit on the gray armchair and he will sit on the couch
and my therapist
shell say
how do you feel
how was your week
why is your dad here
how did your dad hurt you
and i will have to use words
actual words
words that i cant string togther becuase nothing makes sense
how can a father hate his own
how can he hold out on his love for his blood
how can he not help me breathe
how can he not realize that his yelling
it terrorized me

i dont have the words to explain
my pain
and i wish i did
becuase it will make it easier to say
daddy i cant sleep
daddy i cant think
i dont want to eat
cuz then ill be fat
and you will hate me
daddy i hate that your mom hurt you but that doesnt mean that you can hurt me

words that mean nothing
like you were never there daddy
you have never held my hand
do you regret having me as a child
do you regret my sisters and brother
do you miss me
becuase i havent spoken to you in months
becuase of the scars that run across my heart
and open when they please
they bleed

words that mean too much
daddy

© infinite

Poetry