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What is "Better"
People keep telling me they're glad I'm doing better lately.
But what does 'better' even mean?
Have I really gotten better?
Sure, I don’t cut myself anymore, but now I walk to the point my feet blister until they bleed,
or until my knee is on the verge of giving out, leaving me to have trouble walking for days.
Is that what we call “better”?
I’ve started moving heavy amounts of weight frequently to seem healthier, but I know it’s only going to agitate my back for the next week.
Does carrying water everywhere and occasionally taking a sip count as self-care if I’m still reaching for something caffeinated directly after almost every time?
Maybe people think I’m better because I take care of my animals just fine now, following a routine and showing responsibility.
But is it real progress, or just that I’ve realized I don’t have to lie since conversation isn’t expected of me with them?
Am I truly healthier because I have so many friends,
or have I just gotten good at reading people and adapting the way I act to be liked or even just tolerated by everyone I talk to?
Am I really better because I eat every day, even though it’s barely enough to sustain a toddler?
Am I better because I take colorful, organized notes for school,
or am I just distracting everyone including myself from the mess at home,
where everything is scattered on the floor because I lack the motivation to actually clean?
Am I getting better because I’m dating someone who truly loves me,
or do I fight the need to run every day, fearing I’ll be hurt, used, or that I’ll unintentionally hurt him?
Am I better because I’m always busy with work, spending time with family,
or hanging out with friends or am I just terrified that if I stop long enough to think, I’ll slip back into old habits?
But are those old habits really worse?
Can things really get worse if I’m just finding more discreet ways to do the same things, just so people will stop worrying?
So if this is what we define as “better” I guess I'm doing pretty damn good for myself
enjoy this longer poem/short story kinda thing as I come out of hibernation
© All Rights Reserved
But what does 'better' even mean?
Have I really gotten better?
Sure, I don’t cut myself anymore, but now I walk to the point my feet blister until they bleed,
or until my knee is on the verge of giving out, leaving me to have trouble walking for days.
Is that what we call “better”?
I’ve started moving heavy amounts of weight frequently to seem healthier, but I know it’s only going to agitate my back for the next week.
Does carrying water everywhere and occasionally taking a sip count as self-care if I’m still reaching for something caffeinated directly after almost every time?
Maybe people think I’m better because I take care of my animals just fine now, following a routine and showing responsibility.
But is it real progress, or just that I’ve realized I don’t have to lie since conversation isn’t expected of me with them?
Am I truly healthier because I have so many friends,
or have I just gotten good at reading people and adapting the way I act to be liked or even just tolerated by everyone I talk to?
Am I really better because I eat every day, even though it’s barely enough to sustain a toddler?
Am I better because I take colorful, organized notes for school,
or am I just distracting everyone including myself from the mess at home,
where everything is scattered on the floor because I lack the motivation to actually clean?
Am I getting better because I’m dating someone who truly loves me,
or do I fight the need to run every day, fearing I’ll be hurt, used, or that I’ll unintentionally hurt him?
Am I better because I’m always busy with work, spending time with family,
or hanging out with friends or am I just terrified that if I stop long enough to think, I’ll slip back into old habits?
But are those old habits really worse?
Can things really get worse if I’m just finding more discreet ways to do the same things, just so people will stop worrying?
So if this is what we define as “better” I guess I'm doing pretty damn good for myself
enjoy this longer poem/short story kinda thing as I come out of hibernation
© All Rights Reserved
