10 minutes on the clock:

I’m not very in touch with myself.
I haven’t been touching lately,
haven’t been running my fingers
along walls and table edges.
some days I wake up
and I’m not real.
when I was younger it scared me more.
and I was younger once.

I have never fainted. lucky,
I think. I almost feel like I’m waiting.
or it’s some proof of
how much abuse my body can put with,
but I’m not as young as I once was.
I am tired, my body is heavy and tired
and aging every day. aging multiple days a day,
the way I treat it.
this is not an endorsement,
just an attempt at honesty.

I’m not good at honesty.
I like to hide, like when I was kid
curled up in the back of the closet
or under the bed.
when I tell you I’m claustrophobic I’m lying,
I like small spaces. I like being able to touch
both sides of corner.
knowing nothing can sneak up on me.
small feels safe.

and that’s the problem, isn’t it?
how I make myself small
and cram myself in
and change myself to fit.
maybe I’m better than I used to be but
maybe I’m worse. it’s hard to tell.
it’s hard to see in the rain.
it’s hard to remember the things you don’t want to.

and what have I forgotten? drunk memories and
high memories and mostly
memories that hurt. I should feel cheated, I think.
I should be digging them up
but I can’t bring myself to do it.
there are some wounds even I won’t pick at.
some stones even I won’t turn over.

it’s like I only have half the story sometimes,
I need someone else to remember the rest.
like my brother.
I can’t fit all our childhood on just my hard drive
and I don’t think he can either.
half is all you carry
and still move through the world.

that makes it seem like it was bad,
but it wasn’t really.
well it was, but it wasn’t.
I hear them now, telling me
how ungrateful I am. how lucky,
how disrespectful. maybe I am but
maybe I am.

that makes me feel young
because it makes me feel afraid.
I want to be stronger, but
I don’t think stronger ever got me far,
ever saved me from much hurt.
challenging others with my chin stuck out,
I don’t think it really works,
glutton for punishment
I kept going
but I don’t think it really works.