PROLOGUE
A loving Catholic household is where he grew up
A filled up glass, an overflowing cup
But he soon learned that his family was the exception
His peers, his people, lined up for confession
Households of fear to be themselves
An oppressive reverberating holy monolith that was always felt
This path he walked sometimes felt like being wheeled from a gurney
As a part of that faith, this poem will reflect on his journey

ACT 1
Self pressured himself to be a “good boy”, an outstanding role model
His true self was hidden, stowed away in a bottle
Final year of high school the bottle had burst
A trinity, a unity of issues, things at its worst.
Depression, anxiety, and homosexuality seemed to ruin all the fun
Then he suddenly fell for a boy as radiant as the sun
Feelings were not returned and that was okay
But soon the school administration had gotten in the way

“What happened to the gifted child?” he can hear them think
This Straight-A Scholar, Jack of all trade Persona began to shrink
“You never caused problems for us before!” he could feel it in their aura
He was this gifted boy that bloomed like fauna and flora

But that wasn’t him anymore, that boy had disappeared
Buried by his mental issues, crisis of faith, and ever growing fear
A Catholic school is where all should be welcome right?
Yet to save face, he was banished and left far out of sight

Caged in his home, the radiant boy offered him company with no fee
But the isolation became too much and he thought he’d “set the altruistic boy free”
The gall, the audacity, he had to push that boy away
Became a wall he built for a decade that he would spend astray

ACT 2
Despite the school betrayal, he still was able to move on
“Off to college I go!” he said as he traveled to build new bonds
“How firm thy friendship” his alma mater would recite
New friends bonded by faith, a deluded glorious sight
A syndrome of Stockholm self inflicted
Returned to church community like he was one of the afflicted

This is all love and compassion, he deluded himself to believe
But deep down, especially now, it felt like conditional reprieve
“Hate the sin, not the sinners” felt like a mantra, a bit
Soon to realize in the present day, they just tolerated it

The “Good Boy” soon found himself entering a new era
This archer shot his love arrow that led him to Panera
Unprepared for a hellfire tango, he thought this man might be like the radiant boy
But in reality he was a devil in disguise, a part of the ploy

“You are too innocent”, an insult plunged like a knife straight through his ears
Betrayed by another community member of his kind he feared
“We are a community right? We are supposed to be united!”
But time and time again he would find his attempts at love unrequited

FINAL ACT
He would have loved to have experienced his faith deconstructed in a less painful way
But beggars can’t be choosers, it seems the archer was always meant to be the prey

To this day he still feels like he doesn’t have a place
“You’re too gay for the church!” he would imagine them saying to his face
In queer spaces he feels like he sometimes “presents too straight”
He’s not fun enough, not feminine or masculine enough to date

But he is just himself and that should be enough
Even if this outsider on the outskirts of two communities has to feign being “tough”

Nowadays, he rebels against the “good boy” he once was to get to who he needs to be
But sometimes he feels like a walking contradiction always yearning to be free

© Michael Kevin Olegario