Only once had I dabbled with Tinder
Never liked the thought meeting someone online
Always been sentimental and hopelessly romantic
Wanting to meet you in a cafe, book store, grocery store, work, airport, airplane, beach, desert, forest, mountains, wedding, funeral, skating rink, dog park, somewhere a splendid tale could be made

But I was horny

You had that emo aesthetic
A look I had loved 15 years ago
But I was horny
So swiped right and apparently so did you

I asked for a date and you choose a sports bar
Which turned out you worked at
When had I arrived I received a text
Saying that “we.” are upstairs
Already hesitant I nearly turned on heel
But I was horny

The “we.” turned out to be her lesbian roommate
I tell her my mother also shared love for women
Roommate did all the talking me sitting and nodding
I liked her more than my own date
But I was horny

We went back to their place
Roommate retiring for the night
My dates ex-husband had called
They talked, and talked as he still loved her
Till finally she hung up
Me and my her now watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Between no chemistry
And you laughing at every bad joke
I wanted to fly
But I was horny

Finally we went upstairs where we got undressed
I had no protection, she invited me in anyways
Stupid I know
But I was horny
I humped and pumped and you lay like a board
So uninspired I couldn’t even come
Rolled off, I fell asleep

5am I awake with that need to pee and urge to flee
Too awkward to leave at such a hour
So at stucco ceiling I stare for two hours
Telling her I have work or some other excuse
I do a walk of shame with only my libido to blame

© JackDedalus