That's what I said, and I will learn to live with it...

You'd think it'd be easy to be unselfish, but it really isn't, it's one of the things I've had to beat myself into submission to do even when I knew you'd be smiling.

To be just empty space, an inhabitant of nothingness again..

If you see this just pretend you were just looking at a blank page and go on with your day.

No,I'm not so good at being the humble and kind unfeeling person I try hard to be especially when I have to forfeit the only dream I calmly watched always knowing it was just that...

I really wish sometimes my heart the one that remembered you kept it's sound from me, then again I'm lying about that too..

I'm just a coward running back into the void hoping I can just shut out everything all over again, just let me sit in complete nothing and just melt so I don't have to feel or understand the part of me I hate, that's making this difficult.

This is your happiness, I want you to be happy even if you're not looking at me..

I just want to rip and claw it out of my head make me into nothing.

I'm a fool who reached out into a world that had an allergic reaction to my need to excist in it, and even then I had to go past that one...

Dreaming my days away I remake my face and put on a new vibe just trying to belong,what is my authenticity?

I hate the plastic walls and filters but I hide too don't I? Maybe I was never meant to find it ...

I don't know how to reach into my own head and pull myself out, so how can I be hurt by this?

When it was me who shut my mouth, I took myself out of it all long ago unable to be the best version to place before your eyes, because I didn't understand that it was up to you to see me or not and if you didn't that was not in my control and maybe it wasn't what I thought it was....

That's where my terror lies... the thought that I was always on my own, but wasn't I already?

It was just me at the start, no one looking at me, but I wanted to be more , so that I could say that I existed and that I could at least be a memory to someone.

So there it is...

Sometimes you have to walk in circles to remember what it was you really wanted before your eyes grew too big and your heart heavy.

Will you just remember one good time we shared? Can I have that one little piece in your mind that you will always look back to, and think for even a planck that I sparked to life an unforgettable moment that brings you a smile.

With that what else could I cry about? I lived, I was seen, I engulfed in love and diminished..

I was loved and so you will always be.


© CM