Dim lights.
Bad aftertaste of my drink.
Stomach twisted.
Mind numb.

Searching for shards of emotions,
Did any of them survive.
Collecting my logic,
The madness didn't take away all of it.
The silence is deafening like a gunshot next to my ear.
But when the silence ricocheted off my thoughts something like peace settled over my brain.

Would you want to remember it all.
The adrenaline.
Did you think it was fun.
I found nothing in the chaos.
Just anger, hurt and empty attempts
To sort the pain inside my body.

Do you reread the messages?
Did you truly erase what was asked?
I doubt it.
How could one control the other
Across a small screen.

That's all I ever was for people like you.
Words and waiting.
Nothing ever useful to say.
Just grasping for crutches I thought would support me.
They always shattered.

The dim light, golden on my skin.
The air thin and dreary in my lungs.
My white socks damp from the humid concrete.
Does it sound real to you?
Or is it just....words on your screen?
You must wonder.
You must've wondered every day.

Nevertheless my hands are clean.
My mind might be broken.
But my hands are clean.
What more could I ask for?
Well, maybe a reminder what it was like to have a heart.

-ACCLIVITY series