Ever since I was young
didn't know who I am
I don't remember a lot
of my whole life
but, I heard from my mom
that I usually was a lot different
how you used to complain about me.
There are a lot of things,
you had misunderstood me
I just grew up in a Chinese-Asian family,
most of the time.
I was exactly like you
but, I wasn't shy or
not afraid of having
eye contact with other
people,
I usually was quiet and
not talk that often.
I didn't do anything
but, behaved like them
let them do whatever
they want me to do,
let them tell me what to be.
Let them get their way,
ever since I was just a child
I usually have a lot of patience
never had any meltdowns, or
breakdown experience
I can eat whatever other people
are eating because I grew up
not have any favorite foods
that I repeatedly eat like other
neurodivergent do.
Most of all,
I usually can tolerate and adapt
to new life changes without
feeling any discomfort
yes, you can say
I used to have some
neurotypical traits within me.
My way of popularity as a child,
that comes from behavioral imitation
I never know why you see that as something
threateningly to you and your best friends.
use to have a lot of parental and sibling support
ever since I grew up, and became a big sister
eleven years ago.
Use to have things,
that you don't have in
your childhood life,
that I actually can provide for you.
But, I know that you behaved
similarity to my dad
in some ways,
back when you used to tell me
about do I ever have short or long memory loss.
No, I never had that experience
but my dad and my granddad had it
I usually be treated well, and equally by them
ever since I started my first day in my elementary
school.
even though I didn't remember
a lot from my childhood
but, I just heard from my mom
that I used to have two typical best friends
I heard from my mom that
one of my best friends didn't stay long
due to the parent's separation
I heard from my mom that
another of my best friend
secretly moved away,
without saying goodbye
end of my sixth grade and
after our ocean seashore
class field trip,
I heard from my mom that.
used to stay on my first day in
Rose Hill Junior High School
she told me that,
I was used to recommending
to the same middle school, and
same neurodivergent program
before you move into
where I was born and raised
Didn't know you used to,
live across from me
when I used to live in Kirkland,
I just became a big sister in 2006.
When I was still in elementary school,
My family and I
stay where we lived,
I usually be treated well and equally by them,
ever since I transferred to non-discriminated
middle school.
They used to be kind and caring people
when I was about to have my neck surgery
they used to send me some get-well cards,
and childish balloons that I loved so much.
Two years later,
as my family and I
started to pack our things,
move into a new island.
we drive through the I-90 bridge
from where I started my first day
in my high school,
used to be an only child
in a spoiled life.
Didn't have much
experience of being busy,
I was not used to bringing
anything childish or teenager
obsession with any kind of
boy band or celebrity stuff
into a whole new school year.
The first time I had ever been busy
was when I was fourteen,
use to be busy with volunteering
jobs in between classes, and after school.
Included choir-loaded activities and all school performances in assemblies and events,
so many choir-related traveling
didn't know we had to feed the
hungry people in Northwest Harvest,
didn't know we had to garden the cemetery.
Not knowing who I am,
never knew how tired and unhappy
not realize how trapped I truly was,
if I being honest
didn't remember how they
treated me poorly or badly at all.
Especially do not remember being
bullied online, ever since my first day
in transition program
the first time I was happy,
when I started college in
the winter of 2017.
Before I met you,
I was still busy
took the bus on my own,
went to four classes,
go to language class every Saturday.
Most of all,
use to spend a lot of my time
with new people,
never told you how busy I was.
I keep it all to myself.
I do understand why you want
to be left alone and want some space to yourself,
I say that because I speak from my experience
understand what you feel at times,
use to not tell you.
Because I am afraid to
tell you the truth
about what I experienced in life.
Because I have a similar and relatable
experience and situations as you do
but, terrified of bringing it up
to make you feel emotionally uncomfortable
that explains why I behaved in a certain way,
didn't mean to hurt you or your best friends
the truth is I used to be stressed a lot previously
it was not easy for me to let go and move on with life
due to having a bad experience and taking it hard,
I will always be heartbroken and traumatized
when comes to reality and the outside world
I can't let any of your best friends help you out
anymore, because I had lost my patience and
I had enough of your complaining about me,
why do you always make my life hard
by complaining about what I did or
what do you feel if you never understood mine?
I am tired of everything
I feel hurt by you,
feel unsafe around you
what do you want your best friends to do
it tears me apart,
I have been through everything you went through
you are blind to see that about me.
All you see,
was I did to you or what I make you feel
always thinking and caring about your best friends
more than you ever think and care about me,
if I am being honest.
I didn't have a lot of best friends in my life
when you talk about your friendship with me
it makes me uncomfortable,
even though you don't see me as your best friend
but, you truly are the best friend in my life.
I won't be friends with unknown people
don't get to know them that well,
but, when we first met
at first, I didn't get to know you
but, didn't know we actually
have similar and relatable experiences as each other.
I never knew we had a lot in common,
more than you have with your best friends then
don't know why you chose them over me I don't understand.

-Laura So

© LauraGemini