There are a few days in the year,
where we act like a happy family,
where nobody is supposed to cry a tear,
where I don’t need my surviving strategie.

On these days we are really good actors.
The rest of the family doesn’t notice
and for my brother I don’t need to find any distractors.
That others don’t now, that’s the focus.

I am scared of these days
and I don’t like to act like this.
Their parents should know how their kids hurt me in different ways.
They should know what I miss.

But I‘m not allowed to talk about it
because I am not a victim.
They can’t admit.
They can’t admit that we‘re not in the same rhythm.

On these days I need a break,
but they don’t allow me one
because that would be a mistake.
Than my fathers dad wouldn’t love his son.

They don’t get that I am depressed
and just want me to smile.
So I smile and act my best,
I get dressed so everyone can compliment my style.

I don’t want to act like everything is fine at home.
My therapist wants me to get help from the youth welfare office
so clearly this is not the perfect and safe zone.
About what I say, I need to be really cautious.

On Christmas we act like we are happy
but today I was so down and cried a lot.
Of course they didn’t know, they would be unhappy.
So I acted like I was happy, even if I am not.


© lisann