At a young age, I put on an act.
I pretended I was okay everyday.
I was coping by hiding and masturbating alone in my room in a rush afraid to get caught.
I was crying. I blew my nose at the end of my sheets so there would be no tissues as evidence while I was weeping.
I'd wipe away the tears coming from my room, and coming from school.
As soon as I walk through the door I pretended to be okay, and happy.
I'd look proper in front of everybody especially Daddy. I didn't want to get yelled at or in trouble by my mom.
I was mad at her for yelling at my dad and slamming the door.
So, I mostly stayed alone in my room. While playing at the end of the road, you already know about the guy in the car that shoved my head down.
That old man also told me not to tell or I'd be in trouble. So all the messages I received under 12 years old where to pretend I was okay and not to tell about the agony inside I was trying to hide. The traumas kept piling up I felt like I was drowning I started acting up I had no way to cope I have knee surgery I had to stop sports
I loveed figure skating on the ice and receiving stars on my paper I had to stop all my sports how else would I let go of the emotional stress that built up I'd watch porn at my aunt's I would be hiding acting out pretending I sounded like the porn stars that were getting pounded. I became a pornstar around 12 years old I never told anyone I kept hiding in the corners behind the school and the boys and girls club and I'd ask everyone if they wanted me to spit or swallow.. I asked every man I was good at that act I pretended I was a star and got attention
the word got around my superpowers and also the boys would come up to me and say they heard of me
meanwhile, I'm choking down the tears looking to escape my mind with no one to tell..in 1994 I was 13 years old smoking cocaine out of a tire gauge We put a dollar in for gas to get the providence.. sometimes we'd go to route 6 and stay at the Johnson motor Lodge. We have our cocaine and a bunch of men that's all I remember my brain is still blocking it out...they're terrible memories it was a switch on the side of the wall to put the porn on the TV. So I had to keep with that act for so long, I was very strong at holding on. as soon as everything was done and I was alone I was weeping, sobbing tears so hard but then I had to wipe them away and pretend I was okay. If I kept going on with this poem it would be so long I don't know if I can go on I don't want to remember it all. I'm not ready yet. I'm trying so hard I need something else to hold on to. I wish I had a dog I can pet and take care of. It would depend on me, it would give me responsibility.
I can't afford anything unless I do the same thing I've always done; which is post up and get money but this time I'm not run by a pimp or anyone. I offer video chats I got to be in a mood I got manic I pretend to be that pornstar I was at 12 years old. I mastered it now and spend over 25 years when I put up an ad guys contact me that I had I got to now remember what happened to me when I'm 13 and 14 because guys are calling me up telling me I had some good pussy I don't want to remember it all I have to take a hit I just took one to write this
it's going to numb me for a while it'll be a little more before I take another one I'm rocking back and forth as I write this poem with a pipe in my hands about to go outside and get some fresh air you got to replace a drug with another drug no matter what it is it could be shopping, exercise, or illegal substances while writing a poem like this I'm starting to feel dizzy and having a hard time breathing I hate those guys that contact me from so long ago I'm so ashamed my husband you know he just passed away he drove it in my head that I'm a woman I'm a queen and a lady I have to stand up for myself and don't let people disrespect me they think they can just whip their dick out and flirt with me like they used to but they got another thing coming they try to warp my mind and tell me that I'm thinking crazy because my husband was wrong about what he instilled in me I don't want to go backwards I feel in control of my actions sometimes I don't have a choice I need money for toilet paper or a little cocaine to get me through this I don't just sit there and just smoke all day I accomplished things I'm motivated I'm getting through it I'm holding on I don't have anyone I can count on my husband had my back he protected me, he stayed up at night because I'm a sleep Walker he got me back to bed without waking me tell me in the morning about all my crazy things that I do while I'm sleeping God when will it end when will I be okay when will I have a way to support myself without opening my legs I try to get a regular job all of a sudden I'm flying off at the mouth and I can't help myself unless I give in to the pill pushing doctors that caused a lot of this I couldn't cry for so long I tried so hard I just stayed in the clouds all day feeling like I was floating that's not living that's pretending acting like I'm okay again when I'm not good thing I don't have a shotgun I don't want to die I wish I could be with my husband up past the light to feel his gentle touch but not having sex because that's not love I got a lot of change to do a lot of growth to do I'm a fighter I've always been one you don't want to f****** cross me I am trained and fighting not just at the gym or the races I've ran ... I'm so sick of fighting my whole life institutionalized my mother thought places would be the cure she stillwants me there she was at the hospital recently and told them to commit me I couldn't believe it I'm so sick to my stomach that is not the answer to sit in a place that's locked and then when you get out and everything's the same only worse because now I'm angrier and have not dealt with the real problem...so for now I'm safe in my own place... everyone please please pray for mebto find answers to what is haunting me
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