You don't want to
break me right?
Okay.
You didn't.
Success.
For you.
I wouldn't really call it
that from my side.
And anyways,
Success isn't actually real.
Neither is love.
And a happy life.
Everything is impossible.
But of course only for me.
She can pretend there are no problems.
Even when her existence in
my life is a problem.
And she really didn't broke me.
The only thing happened
that now I think that no
one would ever want me
And I don't just think that.
I know that.
I'm screwed inside.
The outside isn't better either.
Why would anyone want torture
themselfs with loving me?
I'm a horrible person.
That's why she doesn't want me.
My problems scare her away.
But then also here we are,
Arguing,over messages.
Because:"You don't care about your future at all"
Really? I don't?
Guess what?I fucking do.
I care about that couple
months I have.
I'll be suicidal anyways so.
But then at the end of the day.
I just think:I can be really toxic.
I also have the power.
I think that I could possibly be so toxic someone would
jump off a building.
But I would never use
this power of course.
And obviously I won't
jump either.
Just because I think I will and that I accepted my future if it is this,
Doesn't mean I'll do it.
She says:"If you're such a lazy person then you deserve to roth in that school".
You know what?
How true.
I will roth in there.
Even more.
What's already rothing people usually throw out and not
keep it for more time.
This is my whole reason
to stay alive.
But we finally meet again.
Spend a wonderful week together.
And pretend like nothing
ever happened.
I want to know how could've
I ever say I love you.
Especially to her.
And also best friends help you.
Not ruin your next month too.
But in the afternoon I'll
apologize to you.
Like I did something wrong.
Because getting hurt about something someone said is wrong and feeling bad is also wrong,
Of course.
And beg for you to
accept my sorry.
Because everything is my fault.
You can't do anything wrong.
But I can't do anything right.
That's how life works.
I don't want to love anyone.
Never anymore.
But I want to be loved.
And I know I said I want someone who would care about me.
But what she did is everything
but caring.
I hate this world.
I hate myself.
I hate my life.
I hate everything.
I don't want to live like this.
I just can't go on.
And she apologized as well.
She said:"sorry if I hurt you..."
But you know what?
Stop.
How could you EVER hurt me?
You can't. That's the point.
I don't have a heart that could bleed from your words that hit it.
Why would I have one?
It was already eaten
by my own mind.
I don't even want to eat nowadays.
But how people say:"Me neither but it's because it's so hot outside"
I don't fucking think
so but anyways.
If people would listen to once.
Just once.
But even if people listen to me,
the don't care what i say so.

© Tortise