rage ..the utter most out painful life I've faced they say it is not right to hate they say it's hard to love at all I've loved through abuse through pain through it all and now ..the greatest pain I feel is the fear that I won't be enough for a child I wished I had planned for ...I didn't think I could get pregnant and so I am . full of life wanting to move on from the pain of the past but with moving on comes it fazes if I could hold on for five years I'd probably be well off and happy but I worry way to much my past left me to feel everything is not what it seems and anything is to good to be true . against all challenges I'm here still however shattered from my last fall I've attempted to stand back up yet I find myself back on the floor but I'm more on the ceiling spinning really fast . you have taking care of babies kids teens even tho you where a rug on the floor whatever they asked you and you said yes cause you where nice and caring but you had your own flaws speaking of things that broke the minds of others yet soon to become true it seems so long since I had a mother but I still have my mother's mother when she's gone my heart will sink and I fear I will take the ones closesed to me down with me once she is gone once her husband is gone once her daughter is gone and my step dad is gone it will just be my siblings and me that's it sure we might be adults but every one we ever where realated to gone I guess there is lots of use all 5 kids to keep each other warm when that all happens I just hope I can become stronger strong enough to handle that inevitable strom's of life . I hope to live despite my attempts not to for the love for a man and a child that's inside. the truth is I don't know what to do half the time I just feel week and sick but hopeful.
© bluedragon