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Tainted Thoughts
As I hold and twirl the black handled knife,
I consider if my next action ends my life.
The point so sharp, the edge so serrated,
Then my thoughts speak and I get berated.
The hilt feels so comfortable in my hand,
Thinking, am I ready to make a life’s stand?
I rotate the knife from my left to my right,
Have I the guts to self-inflict with all my might.
I get mesmerised by the glean of the blade,
Why do I think deathly colours of shade?
I relax my hand, pointing the knife at my chest,
Where would ‘the point of entry’ be at its best?
Holding the knife on my skin warm and tender,
I move positions again, albeit so very slender.
I close my eyes, and visualise the bloody act,
But then I remember my life’s enduring pact.
Still my mind tells me “Go on, do it little one,
Go on, push the knife in and thy will be done.”
Hesitating but the blade probes my skin,
I jab at my bag of bones, but don’t jam it in.
What’s stopped me from the evil in my head?
Fighting back, meekly against death instead.
Four times since Sunday I've been on this trip,
Holding a knife on me yet still no bloody drip.
I know my mind is not in good shape of health
When the intrusive thoughts arrive in stealth.
Struggling to defeat the deadly ideas so black,
I still search for a way to get my life on track.
I go on twisting twirling a weapon so sharp,
Will I drop it and weep like mournful harp?
Multiple thoughts twist and grind in my mind
But it’s the good ones I search for and find.
Understanding that bad thoughts do appear
But knowing hope will make them disappear.

©EKEllis(2017)