I Hate This Poem

Supposed to eternally
remain unspoken
I hate
How that silence
is now broken
I really hate this poem
I hate life
I hate me
I hate everything I see
in the morning
in the mirror
filled with fear
wondering why Im here
why life is so unlclear
why do I feel worthless
like I have no purpose
I wonder what's beneath the surface
makes me nervous
afraid my demonic side will resurface
maybe that would do me a service
I wouldn't have to be nice anymore
I wanna know where this hate stems from at it's core
I hate that I haven't accomplished anything
is there even anything to the table I bring
the only thing I'm good at is typing
and I never type just how I feel
I don't want to make it a big deal
there are others that have it worse
so I'll say I hate life then hit reverse
and make it seem like it's a joke
laugh while wishing I just wouldn't have spoke
besides laughing works when your life's a joke
I hate how I'm homeless and broke
most the time I look like I just awoke
honestly I wish I had an invisibility cloak
truthfully I wish I would just croak
in my bed
while resting my head
you won't hear me say that again
instead I'll go back to playing pretend
pretend I'm confident
when my insecurities are my one constant
its convenient to act happy
so I'll say
something funny
or catchy hoping the real me you can't see
because if you saw what I saw then you'd stop wasting your time
I'd say that's fine
it'd be a lie
it's just I've gotten used to it by now
that's why
people getting close to me I can't allow
I know how it turns out
broken hearts
losing friends
a friendship ending can cause the worst kind of broken heart
when it ends
i hate how people liking me is short lived
I mean ever since I was a kid
theyd say I'm smart
then if they'd stick around
it wouldn't be long
before they got annoyed
so real connections I avoid
I'm still hurt
by some of the past ones
I've enjoyed
just for them to leave saying they have had enough
they say being friends with me
was tough
they think that's rough
imagine getting annoyed
not being able to walk away
constantly bombarded
with the annoying things
you hear me say
I hear them too
all night and all day
but I can't runaway
when the voices are in my own brain
I can't run
there is no escape
not from the voices that annoy me
the ones that scare me
not even
the ones that tell me I was dumb to trust
to even think
For just a second
I was good enough
I hate how
I hear them now
"hahahaha You crazy stupid boy,
you don't deserve real joy.
Just keep faking that smile,
that's as good as it gets
If you feel overwhelmed . That just means you failed
let me remind you
it can get worse
let me remind you
you don't deserve to feel hurt
atleast not on the outside for sure
keep it inside your mind
the truth of your uselessness you don't get to relay
only positive affirmations are you allowed to say
keep all your feelings
bottled and locked up
I mean at least for today
and well
in reality it's best to keep it hidden forever
it really doesn't matter
to anyone
who do you think would listen to such a bothersome freak
even if they did
they'd just think
your dumb or weak
or attention is what you seek!
it's honestly true
no one truly cares for you.
how could they
look at the life that you choose
why would they
when you do
the things that you do.
Trust me alright
Believe me I'm right feel in your heart all this is true "
Is what I hear them say
and I do
those are my thoughts to
when you hear it enough
you can't help but believe it
and I hate it
sometimes I can't take it
but remind myself
if I don't fake it
I failed
the ship for success and joy
has sailed
I hate how I want to stop talking
but can only handle quite
for so long
before the thoughts in my mind
go so wrong
they get dark
that's why I try to express it
in my art
but there is a small part
that makes me think
that's just the start.
until I remind myself
I do have a heart
which I hate
I wish someone one would eat it
stab it
anything but take it
because I still haven't recovered from the last time
I hate how I want to say
that's fine
even though I'm screaming
it's not in my mind
I hate how this all sounds like a whine
I hate how I had dreams I never achieved
how part of me was releaved
because what would I do with happiness or success
fuck it up at best
find a way to bring others down too
that's true
I hate how hateful I can be
its a side I never let anyone see because I'm afraid
of what people think
even thought I say I don't
or that I won't
cuz the only thing I won't do
is admit
I do
I hate that
I want someone to love me for me
to see me for what I am
and still decide
to jump in with a helping hand
I hate how often I do that for others just to find out
they just wanted
to get under the covers
but no one would dare
choose me as a lover
imagine waking up every day
to this face
this voice
this attitude
the always too happy
but also too dark
trying too hard to cling
to a spark
imagine waking up ever day to me
well I don't have to
that's exactly
what I have to do
I hate that.
Actually hate
isn't even a strong enough word
I'm sure you'd agree now
by what You've observed
I hate how I can only say this
if I use poetic words
my only allowed outlet expressing myself in this world
I hate how id rather you just
forget what you
just learned
forget all that just occurred
I hate how I can't make you
Forget every word
Every line every rhyme
As if it was never heard
I'll have to give up the disguise
Stop acting fine
Deal with all these thoughts in my mind
I hate to say it but it's just not yet that time
For now all this hatred remains only mine
I really hate how threw this poem my hatred got a chance to shine
Even more so I hate that last line

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