7 views
Drowning
Drowning
I lost myself some
where though I don't know when or where. Perhaps pieces of me disappeared slowly until all that was left were the parts of each of them I hated most. Each hateful word evaporating away every good thing within myself turning my selflessness to selfishness that had been eagerly lurking inside of me waiting for the perfect opportunity to break free. Compassion, empathy, and love overtaken by jealousy rage and hate. I try so hard to bring back any kind of joy, patience, understanding, and love but am constantly roadblocked with mistrust uncertainty and an overwhelming emptiness that just continues to consume me. I believe everyone has an agenda in regards to me whether it be karmic justice they seek, or a warm body to use and abuse to punish themselves or someone who had hurt them. I've lost hope in true unconditional love of any kind…. Everyone I've learned has their conditions…. Even me. I despise the stranger looking back at me. She's cold and emotionless whereas I always cared too much and constantly smiled through my pain. I hoped reuniting with the man I've always loved would help be the key to unlocking those good parts of me but instead I've remained the same and continuously hurt him daily. I never wanted that. I've turned all my strength into self pity and weakness and continuously distance myself from my daughter. All my hopes and dreams for the future replaced by suffocating hopelessness and it's getting harder to breathe. Why can't I find myself or even attempt to put the shattered pieces of myself back together. I'm on a never ending merry-go-round of attempts that only lead to failures. Did I die emotionally? Is it too late to rise from the ashes? I continue to hope wish and even pray that it's not. One step ahead only continues to plummet me 50 feet back. I want to change I try but the motivation and drive to do so evaporate a bit more with each failure. I'm so tired of the misery and self loathing that weighs me down. I want to feel free from despair but I just continue to sink as soon as I near the surface only to find all the wreckage of the ship wreck I created. I want so desperately for someone to save me from drowning but there's only me who keeps the anchor chained to my ankle dragging me into the depths only allowing me to come up for air as the tide changes. I don't even care anymore about when or how I anchored these chains all I want is to find the key that will finally allow me to break free😭9/29/19 @ 4am Amy Stiverson
I lost myself some
where though I don't know when or where. Perhaps pieces of me disappeared slowly until all that was left were the parts of each of them I hated most. Each hateful word evaporating away every good thing within myself turning my selflessness to selfishness that had been eagerly lurking inside of me waiting for the perfect opportunity to break free. Compassion, empathy, and love overtaken by jealousy rage and hate. I try so hard to bring back any kind of joy, patience, understanding, and love but am constantly roadblocked with mistrust uncertainty and an overwhelming emptiness that just continues to consume me. I believe everyone has an agenda in regards to me whether it be karmic justice they seek, or a warm body to use and abuse to punish themselves or someone who had hurt them. I've lost hope in true unconditional love of any kind…. Everyone I've learned has their conditions…. Even me. I despise the stranger looking back at me. She's cold and emotionless whereas I always cared too much and constantly smiled through my pain. I hoped reuniting with the man I've always loved would help be the key to unlocking those good parts of me but instead I've remained the same and continuously hurt him daily. I never wanted that. I've turned all my strength into self pity and weakness and continuously distance myself from my daughter. All my hopes and dreams for the future replaced by suffocating hopelessness and it's getting harder to breathe. Why can't I find myself or even attempt to put the shattered pieces of myself back together. I'm on a never ending merry-go-round of attempts that only lead to failures. Did I die emotionally? Is it too late to rise from the ashes? I continue to hope wish and even pray that it's not. One step ahead only continues to plummet me 50 feet back. I want to change I try but the motivation and drive to do so evaporate a bit more with each failure. I'm so tired of the misery and self loathing that weighs me down. I want to feel free from despair but I just continue to sink as soon as I near the surface only to find all the wreckage of the ship wreck I created. I want so desperately for someone to save me from drowning but there's only me who keeps the anchor chained to my ankle dragging me into the depths only allowing me to come up for air as the tide changes. I don't even care anymore about when or how I anchored these chains all I want is to find the key that will finally allow me to break free😭9/29/19 @ 4am Amy Stiverson
