I knew I couldn't see you online,
I'm cast out from you,
so I checked my photo logs in my phone
and there you were.
Smiling. Big eyes.
Big happy eyes. Lollipops. a purple back scratcher in your purple room.
I wanted to be happy with you so much.
I can't stop drawing your face.
Because when I went back at drawing you tonight,
It's like I forgot,
how to draw you.
So I keep drawing your eyes.
I keep drawing your face.
I keep drawing your beautiful smile.
Without the teeth.
I love every inch of your soul.
Unintentionally trying not to hurt people who don't deserve it, bc you know how that feels.

I wondered if I'd ever see your face again,
but I found you in my phone.
So I have been drawing your face all night.
your face has got my soul, walking through the night,
listening to the owls, the summer crickets, and lightning bugs,

and You got me obsessed with small pencils.
IT CHANGED MY DRAWING.
I'm not on the fence
nor have I ever been.
I used to be drunk on
insecurities
and sharing you.

It dawned on me
I never respected your heart
your feelings
your dreaming
your needing
your holiness
your art

I never loved you for the armor it took everything you had to let down.
I tried to come into your life, in hopes to not stir up a sound.
knowing now that's not what you wanted.
you wanted to be kept.
you wanted to be loved.
you wanted to make sounds with music and magic

this is tragic

Because of you
I draw in detail now.
Due to you,
I listen to complex ideas more
and read dreams and energy
and pray for my heart
to come back to me
unselfishly
I miss what we could have been
and I see it all in your eyes
when I draw
I see a new heart
an enlightened soul
I miss you whole.
your light
your dark
open arms

I'm gonna spend another winter
in an apartment
cold and alone.

pushing myself in five years
to be 13times better than I am right now.

Listening to Giles on tiktok
I can feel the energy behind his heart
I'm grateful he is here
I really feel alone.

I'm sorry
I wondered
what would happen to me
if I found a photo of your face

drawing you all night
you became my late night craze
my muse, unobtainable, so fair
my sweet nectar, that stirs my soul in color in the air.

She doesn't get to have
.....

I stop myself there

I'm not interested in control
or angry pain so pervasive

The last thing the world needs
is another angry girl, complaining, about the hustle
no graciousness, etiquette
or peace.

I wondered..
what it would be like If I saved a photo of you.

Here. I am.
drawing you.
hoping I can restore my heart
back into you.
I'm never letting go.
a visceral notion
of holding on to
so many moments
of loving you.
I want to make you laugh
not make snide remarks that make you feel horrible, and me crass.

I wondered,
if my hand remembered the curves in your face,
or the the dark charcoal I used to add sheen to your hair, in your suit, with guitar, on the piano, eyes closed in black and white, shining show, mesmerizing photos of your glow
you glow

little did I know,
how deeply I wondered,
you always size up my imagination
expand its intuition
and turn on sirens to activate my compassion.

I wondered
but not deep enough.
I found photos of you and I'm so in luck.

I would have paid someone
all the money i have
to give me a photo of your face
to keep and to have.

I wondered...

could my hand remember the shape of your oval- ish eyes
or that your pupil and cornea are delightful surprise, because...
they're BIG.

YOU HAVE BIG PUPILS.
SO MUCH COLOR
blues and greens. and little yellow dots.
the light reflects off the center of your eyes
so much detail.
when I draw you.
expressions
your nose

I tried not to remember
that you are sick
but then it hit me,
I almost got sick.

I almost vomited.

Am I never gonna see this again?
Because I attacked your kind soul?
with every fiber of myself?

God I pray.
for help.

losing him
is acid to my soul.

I don't want to be greedy
but gracious
I would like to earn my living
not take it.

a rather plump wallet
I'm asking,
to make me a driver of my dreams.

As the quilt of love
I was sewing
as the love seeds
I was germinating
as the hopes of you
I am hoping.

come back to me
regardless of your plans with her
In the end
and along this road
you won't have to wonder
about loyalty
or love and calm center zen and peace
stoicism and very honest discussion
cognitive dissonance I'd love to read again

I want to read the creed of your heart
and know it better than any other together or apart.
Distance grows fonder
falling back on falling apart.

I wonder..
could we be art?
a collaboration of playing music or sharing pain?

I could listen to you talk to me, over and over and over and over and over again.

I wonder if my hands remembered to draw your arms,
narrow, and the freckle near your wrist on your right arm...(I hope it isn't your left and my mind is playing tricks)

If you need to tell me about myself.
I'll listen to you tear me apart
I've learned to listen to you
when your feelings get overwhelmed.

if it's my fault.
I'll take it.
if I'm not doing enough
I'll make it
if I'm not good enough
I'll educate myself
to fair loving conversation over Saturday coffee
don't throw us away
I'm begging you.

It's not an excuse
but it is something.

I was mad at sharing you once,
and I'm reserved that it's not a good idea to be kosher with it,
But I never not loved your light.
nor your dark.

Infact, I loved them so much deeply,
of them both I wanted to explore.

I wondered
can my hand draw depict
accurate rending of your faces, in both sides of the fence?
I long to see the scars, on your body, that paint a beautiful story of where you were hiding, where you've been and what darkness you've encountered that only she shined light in.

I wonder
how deep my heart wonders in you,
my heart is gone from me,
for the heart of mine,
lives in your flesh, hidden inside your spirit,
and I keep the energy of it, from touching my shadow,
until I fully made amends with it.
From now, till death do us part, or marriage do us spiritual divide,
my heart, in you, is where it resides.
And if you have my heart,
I can not deny you,
I can not take you for granted or wish any one I'll Will or faux love of hopes dream cove.

I wondered.

Does my hand remember the color of your mind?
As your soul comes out on my paper, coming to life, like darkness did never touch?

You just wanted to be happy.

You've just always wanted to be,

..happy...

and I wondered.....


Why, my love for you,

had never died.