I gaze longingly
At the familiar playground
I used to inhabit daily
As a small, insecure, child.

I want to swing to the stars,
Then at the highest arch
Jump & repeat for eternity,
Just for the thrills,
excitement, & pleasure
The act would bring me!

However, I would be
committing
A felonious undertaking;
Because only children
Are allowed inside . . .
I no longer qualify!

Although my childhood
Was practically stolen away,
From the sins committed
By countless others,
I feel I am the one paying
the ultimate price. . . .

I crash to the tarmac
In maximum betrayal,
Desiring only a fresh start;
Plus a conduit back into
my mom's womb . . .
The only place I ever
felt safe,
Loved . . . & at peace.

Thinking I heard someone
calling me
Through the trees,
I run distantly far away
Into the inky, malevolent,
darkness,
Praying it will cover over
My many, treacherous,
defects.

My breaths are harsh
As I clear the threshold
Of my sequestered,
obscure cabin.
Realizing I have merely
scant seconds left . . .
I begin the final preparations.

I remove my clothes
hurriedly,
As tears roll down
my skeletal face.
A week has passed
Since I've been able to
consume food . . .
Sleep has alluded me, also.

The cloud of depression
That has crushed my heart
for so long
Is finally dissipating,
As the hellacious end
Of my torture draws
near . . .
Gentle serenity beckons,
As I fill the claw foot tub
With scalding hot water.
I sigh in pleasure as I sink in.

The bubbles soothe & relax
A body that has become
Both tired & numb
Over the sleepless nights
I've spent wishing
ceaselessly,
That I had never been born. . . .

I know the razor is sharp
and lethal,
For the final deadly sin
I'm about to commit.
I feel peaceful & calm. . . .

Warm blood pours down
my defenseless arms
Into a red puddle on
the bathroom tiles.
My eyes close effortlessly,
Seemingly of their own
volition. . . .

As darkness & a child's cries
Of dismay & a desperate,
unfulfilled longing,
Fill the darkening night skies
With a final crescendo . . .
I succumb to
the last second . . .
And awaken to a new dawn..





© Kris Bailey
2-5-24.