Life is moving too rapid for me.
Everyone is talking, thinking,
breathing at breakneck speed.

We all wait impatiently
for another dopamine hit
from the next one minute
video intermixed with a fine selection
of targeted ads—
for every want, need, problem,
prayer and hope.

Where was the last place
I saw a bar of soap?
Other than that one minute video
of a girl slicing one to shreds,
as if it was a block of cheddar,
and mashing it into a paste.

What a satisfying waste.

Aside from that,
off the top of my head
I genuinely can’t remember.
Instead, we all have a soap dispenser
that we pump pump pump
then wash wash wash
and done.
No lathering. We haven’t got time
to bathe either hand
for more than a second or two.
Why bother—when three good squirts
can fit quickly in the palm?

In a foreign land?
No cause for alarm;
don’t learn the native tongue—
just naively speak into your phone
and it will surely do the rest.

In a foreign land and lost?
No need to fret or get stressed
by trying to use a map—
just rely on the navigation app
on your phone and pray
to Steve Jobs anxiously
that your two percent battery life
will hold out for the next twenty
minutes while you franticly
fast-walk to your hotel.

And when you get back, well—
I hope you remember to doom-scroll
all those one minute videos,
overlaid on the forgettable
Venetian motifs
decored around the room—
with your Augmented Reality headset
so you can resemble Robocop
while getting ready your instant noodles.
But the reality is that they’re not instant
as you have to stand and wait
for the water to boil for four minutes,
then after pouring it over,
wait a further four boring minutes
until they’re finally done and fit
to scoff down.

I want my noodles now.
I want my coffee now.

I can’t wait yet another four minutes
for boiling water,
just to steep some Colombian
slow roasted artisan grounds
in a French press pot.
I’d rather not. So—

I want instant coffee tomorrow,
not three-to-five excruciating
snail’s pace business days.

Who can I complain to?
If my call is very important
and I am a valued customer,
why must I wait then
for near an hour while Beethoven
hisses and fizzles down the line?

What a terrible waste
of my soap-slicing-video-watching
time.

But if I was to sit around
for such unbearable durations,
I’d surely give myself a well-deserved
and keen congratulations.
Instantly celebrate with Siri and Alexa
and enjoy a not-so-simple life
of instant gratifications.

© Joseph Chin
#satire #society #humour #humor #funny