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teen love cravings
Being the fat teenage girl wasn't enough
I had to be forced to be born as the hopeless romantic,
the one with the skinny friends,
the one with the strict parents,
I look in the mirror and all I see is beauty, and every detail,
every flaw hugs eachother so perfectly, and I only see a piece of art in myself,
a girl with the most beautiful and welcoming heart,
who was born to have thoughts too deep for her age and write poetry about love she never believes will be found
but it exists
and she knows because she exists and she knows she's full of it.
But boys don't seem to agree with her definition of beauty,
the one she sees,
the beauty she reads in books,
the beauty she finds in everybody because she thinks even the ugliest person has a piece of beauty either on their face, body or soul.
I wake up and think "will I ever find somoene who's just as connected to the art of words and feelings and scent of hormones in the air that makes your heart feel like it found their band-aid and doesn't worry so much about the outside like me?"
I thought watching my friends receiving flowers that say "I love you, princess" would make me happy and proud,
and it did,
for a moment it really did
but it also crushed my heart knowing I'm probably so disgusting to look at or to be around
and that's why I would never receive such a thing.
And everytime I try to trick myself into thinking I don't want love
and human connection
my heart aches because I hate lies
and I have that deja vu of my mom screaming at me
-"DON'T LIE! DON'T LIE TO YOUR OWN MOTHER!"
and maybe that's why I'm terrible at lying specially to myself
and specially to my own little heart.
Now my mom doesn't scream she just looks at me disappointed and hopes I change,
change?
Why would I ever want to change?
People my age are out having sex at 3 am while I'm writing,
trying my best not to wake her up with my crying because she has to work in the morning.
And she's expecting so much from me at this young age while really all I hope for is to find the love she never gave me as a mom, and maybe that's why I crave validation so bad, even tho I'll always be on my own.
© cal
I had to be forced to be born as the hopeless romantic,
the one with the skinny friends,
the one with the strict parents,
I look in the mirror and all I see is beauty, and every detail,
every flaw hugs eachother so perfectly, and I only see a piece of art in myself,
a girl with the most beautiful and welcoming heart,
who was born to have thoughts too deep for her age and write poetry about love she never believes will be found
but it exists
and she knows because she exists and she knows she's full of it.
But boys don't seem to agree with her definition of beauty,
the one she sees,
the beauty she reads in books,
the beauty she finds in everybody because she thinks even the ugliest person has a piece of beauty either on their face, body or soul.
I wake up and think "will I ever find somoene who's just as connected to the art of words and feelings and scent of hormones in the air that makes your heart feel like it found their band-aid and doesn't worry so much about the outside like me?"
I thought watching my friends receiving flowers that say "I love you, princess" would make me happy and proud,
and it did,
for a moment it really did
but it also crushed my heart knowing I'm probably so disgusting to look at or to be around
and that's why I would never receive such a thing.
And everytime I try to trick myself into thinking I don't want love
and human connection
my heart aches because I hate lies
and I have that deja vu of my mom screaming at me
-"DON'T LIE! DON'T LIE TO YOUR OWN MOTHER!"
and maybe that's why I'm terrible at lying specially to myself
and specially to my own little heart.
Now my mom doesn't scream she just looks at me disappointed and hopes I change,
change?
Why would I ever want to change?
People my age are out having sex at 3 am while I'm writing,
trying my best not to wake her up with my crying because she has to work in the morning.
And she's expecting so much from me at this young age while really all I hope for is to find the love she never gave me as a mom, and maybe that's why I crave validation so bad, even tho I'll always be on my own.
© cal
