Mechanical whirring comes out from a vent above me.
I can't help but stare because there is nothing much to stare at.
Rooms of faded paint and scuffed tile.
In my room, there is a patch that they have yet to paint over.
It is freezing but it might be from the IV.
I have medical trauma.
I'm afraid to even be here but it was an emergency.
My d-dimer is elevated?
No idea what that meant in the beginning.
Six tubes of blood to go over everything.
But six tubes don’t seem like enough if I'm in as rough of shape as they claim.
There is a pressure in my chest…
It is making it hard to breathe.
They have stickers under my breasts they are hooked up to wires and a machine.
The tones and beeps echo from every room.
It is hard to focus on just one.
Everything seems to be moving in slow motion.
I might be just impatient.
I don't want to even be here.
Why do they move so slowly?
Just walking nonjaluantley as if there isn't a problem.
Do they not care?
An MRI of my chest led to no findings.
Lights flickering and blinding.
Zero answers on an X-ray of my heart and lungs.
The warmth of iodine still sits at the back of my tongue.
An IV is taped to my arm.
Hoping that if I move it won't do me any harm.
These thoughts are pretty scrambled and I don't know why.
Am I afraid to die?
I haven't thought about it in a while.
Yet I question it so bluntly…
A part of me would like to be free from this life
But the rest of me fears what will become of my children that I'll leave behind.
I know I shouldn't think this way.
But I'll still have to think about it one day.

© A. Tenney 2024