Trigger Warning: Eating Disorder

I heard once that crying helps with weight loss, I've cried everyday since then.
I heard once that dark rooms help with weight loss, I've never really appreciated bright rooms anyways.
I heard once that sleeping properly helps with weight loss.
That one was going to be a problem though, I'd only just started my battle with insomnia.
I heard once that eating less helps with weight loss and that calories were the things that made you gain weight.
150.
250.
350.
I've counted since then.
Someone said to me once, "all bodies are beautiful" and in the same breath called the skinniest girl in the room the prettiest among us.
I wore my prettiest dress that day and I was trying to impress him, so I'd even worn some makeup.
I remember at parties where I'd eat three bites of a slice of pizza and before i knew it I'd be bent over a toilet with three fingers in my mouth, crying and chocking till i could barely breathe.
It's funny to think back to those days.
When I had a calculator in my brain and a notebook on my palm.
And quite honestly, I'm not much different now.
I'm still gradually fading, only now within the white walls of an asylum...

I ate a burger this morning.
And I've sat through sessions amd meetings and games but all I've done all day is count in my head and count on the walls and scratch at the skin of my palm.
Guess I was wrong.
There's still a calculator in my head after all, but the note on my palm seems to be missing.
© Mae