The realization was too clear like glass I looked right through it without understanding you, or maybe I hoped that if I didn't address it it would tie you to me.

Clever and terrified I closed my ears and eyes hoping that you'd forget you had to go.

Even then I tried to tie myself to you hoping you wouldn't forget me, because if you forgot then what was the point in my existence...

Somewhere along the way I forgot that feeling.

The pain twisted my eyes and made me hunger for the things I knew you did not want for me.

I lied to myself willingly, I drowned out your voice and told myself that becoming this was a natural order,all flowers wilt no matter their beauty or their will to breath, so why should I continue to live for the sun that left my sky?

I binged and purged the poison ruining the girl that you loved but did not covet.

Holding you up in my head looking at your image lifting glass after glass toasting your effort at trying to make a perfect princess, laughing bitterly to myself wondering how much longer my body would take to give me release.

So doused in self pity I nurtured a self hate that sank its fangs into me and pulled me to the edge of a bottomless pit.

Slipping off the edge falling through the darkness into the arms of an unknown peace I found a home.

You stood on a pedestal I broke my heart climbing, and still I love you for it.

I understand now what it is that lies beyond the love sung about and yearned for when I lost all hope.

It isn't about needing to possess or be possessed.

It's finding the one whose significance isn't made up of all or nothing but appreciation of their existence.

So thank you for not loving me for the sake of our journey.

For a long moment they were merged but the paths under our feet separated long ago the way they were meant too.



© CM